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Dialogue Only: A Little Dark Humor (old piece for k3ng to read)

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“Geez, that’s cold!”

“Stop being such a baby, it’s only the basement wall.”

“Hunh, seems to me that you’re the one who wouldn’t come down here alone.”

“It’s dark!”

“It’s usually dark when the lights go out.”

“Oh, you’re funny. Really, you are.”

“I distinctly remember you saying, ‘Aww, c’mon, Sam, I don’t want to go down there alone.’…Ow!”

“What? What happened?”

“Fell off the step. What’s the sharp thingie that just bit me?”

“Let me feel. Oh, that’s Sarah’s old bike.”

“Sarah’s bike? She’s been living in California for the last ten…”

“Shhh!”

“What?”

“Thought I heard something.”

“What?”

“Shhh!”

“Is it that ‘skritching’ noise?”

“Yes! Sam, what-if-it’s-a-raaaaaat?”

“Don’t go all quavery, Martha, it’s just my sleeve brushing the old lantern.”

“Don’t laugh at me!”

“Sorry, can’t help it. Too bad the lantern won’t light. We could use it about now.”

“Or the flashlight that went dead a week ago.”

“I put batteries on the list, why didn’t you get them?”

“They weren’t on sale and I didn’t have a coupon.”

“Oh for the love of Pete. Well, those few pennies saved are really helping us now, aren’t they?”

“Well, who threw away the candles?”

“You kept trying to do candlelight dinners!”

“They’re romantic!”

“I like to see what I’m eating!”

“Honestly, Sam, you’re as romantic as a rotting log.”

“Geez, Martha, you really know how to hurt a…”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, not again. What is it this time?”

“Shhhh! That creaking. It’s you again, isn’t it?”

“Who, me? What would I be creaking?”

“C’mon, I know it’s you, Sam.”

“Oh, okay, it was me, spoilsport.”

“Let’s just find the breaker box. And stop scaring me!”

“Well, it’s over to the left there, someplace.”

“Ow! Why’d you keep this?”

“The lawn gnome? It’s an antique!”

“Why isn’t it out on the lawn?”

“Because it’s cheesy.”

“And you have to gall to holler at me for keeping Sarah’s bike.”

“It’s from when she was in second grade. It has Barbie on it. You really think a thirty-two-year-old woman would ride
that?”

“Her kids might!”

“She’d need to have some first. And a husband might need to precede that.”

“You can’t blame me for hoping.”

“I can blame you for not buying batteries, though.”

“Shhh!”

“What now?”

“I just wanted you to be quiet, that’s all.”

“Fine, maybe I should just go back upstairs, then.”

“Sam! Don’t you dare leave me down here alone!”

“Dang it! What were those?”

“What were what?”

“Something real lightweight that sounds like ‘shooosh-tippy-tippy’ and feels like a herd of excited spiders scattering all over
the dang place.”

“Styrofoam egg boxes”

How many of ‘em did you HAVE?”

“Um”

“’Cause it feels like a coupla hundred.”

“Um”

“Styrofoam egg boxes, Martha?”

“Well, you can’t burn them or you risk making a bigger hole in the ozone layer. I read it in Reader’s Digest.”

“And you can’t throw them away because?”

“They aren’t biodegradable. I feel guilty every time I’m about to send them to further junk up a landfill.”

“I’m telling you, soon as we get the breaker back on I’m going whole hog on junking up a landfill.”

“Really? That would be a first.”

“Junking up landfills? I’ve done lots of that.”

“No, cleaning out the basement. I’ve only asked you to do it about 459 times since we’ve lived here. Are you sure the
breaker box is over here?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen it lots of times.”

“And while we’re on the subject, why were you going to let your wife descend alone into the pitch-black basement to play
with the breakers, anyway? That should be a guy thing.”

“That’s sexist, woman. It was a character-building opportunity. You should thank me.”

“You…eeeek! It touched me! Something touched me!”

“Calm down!”

“It was something alive! It touched my side!”

“Like this?”

“Eeek!”

“Martha, that was me.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t recognize your own husband in the dark, huh? What’s that tell ya?”

“Shut. Up.”

“Speaking of which, how about…?”

“Here? Now? You’ve GOT to be kidding. I remember what this floor looks like. And besides, it’s creepy down here.”

“With you the glass is always half empty isn’t it?”

“It is not. I’m just being realistic.”

“Strictly speaking we wouldn’t need to use the floor.”

“Sam! Get your mind back on the breaker box, would you?”

“Oh, fine. If you insist.”

“Okay, hang on, what’s this…?”

“Spoilsport.”

“I heard that!”

“Ears like a lynx, I’ve always said.”

“There’s a little step up here.”

“Okay, we’re almost there, then.”

“Thank goodness.”

“Just step over the bodies I put down here.”

“Very funny, Sam. That is not going to work.”

“I just didn’t want you to worry if you happened to kick a leg or something.”

“Will you stop it?”

“Hee hee!”

“Here it is! I’m opening the breaker box. I can’t see the breakers, though. How will we know which one to throw?”

“Well, if one of us was upstairs we’d be able to do trial and error.”

“Sam, I thought you were kidding about the bodies.”

“I was. You know I was.”

“Then what’s lying under the breaker box?”

“Dunno, something soft. What’d, we leave some rags down here or…AAAAGH! IT GRABBED MY ANKLE! RUN FOR IT
MARTHA!

AAAAAAAAAuuugh………!”

“Golly, Mrs. Stinkle, I hope he didn’t break anything crashing into stuff like that.”

“Hang on, Cliff… can’t breathe…Oh my gosh, that was just about the funniest thing ever!”

“Happy to help. Here’s the flashlight. This’ll make a great story on poker night.”

“That was the deal.”

“You owe me, though. I had my hand in the bag of ice cubes the whole time you two bantered. And I don’t even want to
think about what Sam was considering there for a minute.”

“No problem, I’ll ante up an extra ten bucks for your trouble.”

“That’ll work.”

“Best money I ever spent!”

***

Looking back on this now I probably wouldn't put the yelling in all caps and it's not the best thing I've ever written but I still enjoy reading it.

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Comments

  1. Gumby's Avatar
    I enjoyed it too! Typical man to think of sex in any and all situations.
  2. Foxryder's Avatar
    A basement activity between a couple. And all the teasing in a playful manner? I bet this was fun to read.
  3. Levi6588's Avatar
    That was funny...I like it and yes it did flow.
  4. Jessalynn Barnum's Avatar
    Loved it!! it was very funny!!!
  5. candid petunia's Avatar
    This was fun!
  6. Foxee's Avatar
    Thanks!
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