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a snowstorm is brewing

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Today, Iím struggling not just to find motivation, but to remember positivity. Something about this job is crushing, but then so were many of my other jobs. It leaves me wondering where the problem lies: in the job or in me?

This line of thought of course doesnít lend itself to a great mindset. Anytime i put myself in the cross-hairs, I tend to feel frustrated and confused. Often it culminates in a sense of overwhelming anxiety, anger, or sadness. The way forward isnít clear, and despite all the good I can do for myself on other days, when I sit in an office writing about engineering services, writing that will later be optimized by an AI, I feel stranded. Iím offered free drinks, a seat, a warm place, and relative freedom Ė but none of these feels satisfying.

I would like to see this as a struggle forward toward where I want to go, but as Iíve said before, I donít know where I want to go. This then becomes an inexhaustible exercise in spinning my wheels, and excuse to stop thinking and just putter along mindlessly.

Of course, itís only been just over two months here. Perhaps thatís long enough, though. If I were to outline what I miss/dislike of this job, it would look like this:

-being cooped up inside all day is frustrating. I want to walk and be outside, not in an office

-my writing feels pointless and rushed. I write for word count and optimization and am measured in my worth by how well I fulfill those.

-the environment feels hostile. Or maybe not specifically hostile, but there is little communication within the department, and virtually none from superiors. The Ďbossí walks around and is jovial with others but avoids us in content. Perhaps itís because, again, weíre all so quiet. Getting a room of introverts to be gregarious is no doubt hard, but it leaves me feeling like an outcast.

-the pay is not consistent but is consistently not good.

-I feel rushed in every way in my life. And this comes even with me trying to mindfully slow down. Every day feels like a push to the end of the day. Every weekend feels like Iím trying to apply the breaks and they only fully engage once Sunday is wrapping up.

Again, I realize these things might just be considered Ďnormalí. Welcome to the work force and all that. My privilege provided me with another mode of living and now when I must be normal, it feels like an affront. Thatís a real possibility, Iíll admit. But if thatís all this is, if truly I must just Ďsuck it upí, how can we all sit here and think this is okay?

I donít know. Iím feeling a bit better, so maybe I just needed to complain. I think much of these complaints are accurate, that I am not just making these up on a bad day. Theyíve been clouds that shadowed me even on good days. I trust my intuition, itís pointed out many situations I was best leaving, and Iím thankful for its development. I just worry that it will never be satisfied. That Iím going to bounce around indefinitely, chasing some specter of an idea that doesnít truly exist. No matter where I end up, Iíll just feel unsatisfied.

This is catastrophizing, Iím aware. Itís egged on by my anxiety and its conclusions are no more grounded in reality than the existence of elves or magic. But in the moment, I can lose sight of that and be engulfed, overwhelmed, in the despair it can bring.

And thatís the final thing Ė I donít feel as though I can communicate those feelings here. Itís as if I am not a person, not someone with diagnosable issues who struggles some days. Iím a cog, one step above AI because I can string together colorful and coherent sentences. I am, ultimately, replaceable. And that is not a good feeling, no matter how much you may love your job.

Thanks for reading my anxiety rant. I feel better for having written it, and I hope you didnít find me to be too distraught or apocalyptic. And, as usual, a poem for your efforts.

The cloudfilled sky
Feels reflected in my heart Ė
A blizzard is brewing.

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Updated February 20th, 2020 at 12:16 AM by Greyson

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Comments

  1. Plasticweld's Avatar
    I would offer you advice...but our personalities are very different and what works for me or even others, would probably not work for you.

    The most complex problems have simple answers. It is not for a lack of wisdom that most fail to go forward, but a lack of courage to do what they know is right in their heart.

    I know what my solutions would be if I were in your shoes, pm me if you wish me to share. Bob
  2. dither's Avatar
    Greyson,

    it's good to let it out imo, Posting a blog like this can be so therapeutic I find. I hope it worked for you and good luck.
  3. Smith's Avatar
    I've been there man. This one resonated deeply with me.

    Rest assured, you are not alone in thinking that there's more to life than that. Good on you for not losing the sight of real positives, no matter how small.
    Updated February 21st, 2020 at 02:32 AM by Smith
  4. River Rose's Avatar
    Blizzards come in sometimes when we least expect a storm. Take shelter. Treat yourself well. Be kind to yourself. Take comfort in the fact that all storms pass. Making u stronger for surviving the storm.
  5. Greyson's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by dither
    Greyson,

    it's good to let it out imo, Posting a blog like this can be so therapeutic I find. I hope it worked for you and good luck.
    this really did help, i appreciate you reading and validating the exercise
  6. Greyson's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by River Rose
    Blizzards come in sometimes when we least expect a storm. Take shelter. Treat yourself well. Be kind to yourself. Take comfort in the fact that all storms pass. Making u stronger for surviving the storm.
    you're right, thank you it's easy to forget that one can take shelter and comfort during such storms; we're not required to weather it alone to prove anything. i appreciate the read and the kind words
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