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So Many Voices

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Do you ever get the feeling like you aren't alone in your own head? Like no matter what you do to get away there is always someone or something else inside with you? I got diagnosed with Split Personality Disorder when I was 7 years old. They say it was because my best friend's mother abused me and I created another personality to deal with it but I don't really know what caused it. It's always been there, for as long as I can remember.

He's been in the back of my mind controlling my thoughts and making me question everything I think I am. I've been in so many bad situations, met a lot of people who only wanted to hurt me or use me. He's always been there to comfort me and take control when I can't handle it. But lately he's been quiet, like he's tired of looking out for me. I'm not alone in my own head and let I have never been so scared of my own thoughts.

I call him Satan but he's anything but that. He's my own personal Body Guard and yet I have no control over what he does or says. In my head it's like there is a Chair in the middle of an empty room, there are no doors, no windows not even any corners. Its dark with only the chair being in light.. Whoever sits in the chair is in control while the other stands to the side watching, listening. I know there are others inside with us but they don't say much. I rarely see them in the chair.

Though I think at one time they were in the chair as much as me and Satan, but lately it's just me and him.. Like the others are too afraid to take control and get hurt. My mind and soul are a mess. The way I describe myself to Therapists, Friends and others who ask is "I'm like a shattered mirror, I've been smashed so many times the pieces don't fit together anymore" and I've started to wonder if it's just a saying or if it's true.

Maybe I'm just insane and the voices in my head aren't real. Who knows what is real and what is fake. There's no way to tell if what's inside your head is really you or something else, but I guess all you can do is accept it's apart of you right? Because if it wasn't part of you would it still be there? Everyone thinks Split Personality means you are this crazy person who flips through personalities like a flip of a coin, always easy to see through..

But if you were to meet me in the Real World? You wouldn't know if you are talking to Me or to Satan or even one of the others. People like me get the short end of the stick, and so we tend to keep it quiet and suffer in silence, taking all the burdens on our own because of what most people believe. But having Satan tell me everything is okay and I'm not alone isn't enough anymore, not even he can make things better. I guess he's the Bronze and I'm the Brains.

I'll just stay here with him, safe and sound from the horrors of my memories. After all I've been told so many times I've had a great life and I shouldn't say I have bad memories. After all the abuse only lasted a few months while my mom was away on business trips. I'd be scared but what child wouldn't when the person looking after you would slap you so hard you'd fall? I guess I was just too weak and that's why I made another person to take it for me. I know there are people who think I'm weak for taking "a cowards way out" but I'm glad I have my Body Guard.

I feel safe inside my head. I am safe beside the chair, leaning against my Satan Guardian.

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  1. escorial's Avatar
    just finished reading the divided self by rd laing....your story is very similar to most of his case studies
  2. Darsenpai's Avatar
    His Case Study does a very good job explaining the challenges that comes with Split Personality =) Though I admit some things he says are feeding into stereotypes many people believe, though it's good to see someone who gets the basics of it
  3. escorial's Avatar
    the book was published in the 1960's and he thought that how shrinks treat patients was not the way to could say he kick started a new way of thinking about the complexity of the self..for him it was the schitzo family that was the initial beginning of the self or false self. I think people with this condition patients dislike the idea of stereotypes because to be considered normal from one perspective makes them feel as if they know they can change from within without the help of others but they need to feel that they are unique..
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