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Crippling Depression

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I have been dealing with the most vicious depression I've felt in almost a decade.

You ever wanted to die? You ever wanted to kill yourself? You think your life couldn't get any worse?

Let's trade, and we'll see how fucking long you last with the most ridiculous problems my life has to offer.

I am so goddamn motherfucking done with life right now; this constant stress is giving me chest pains. Everyone who knows me is asking wtf is wrong with me, and I can't even begin to explain because of the nature and origin of my strife.

I just don't know.

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  1. midnightpoet's Avatar
    I've been there, guy. I realized I was a loser, and a failure at everything. This wasn't my imagination, I had proof. But I'm still here and I'm not suicidal. It's hard, but analyze your problems - I learned long ago that despite all the stuff that happened I couldn't blame anyone but myself but I had responsibilities I was not going to compromise and I was not a coward. I could face my problems, even if they wouldn't go away. In my case, faith also helped but you have your own path to walk and I hope you can overcome your problems,
  2. JustRob's Avatar
    Yes, I've done all that, the chest pains, the panic attacks, the self-doubt, depression so deep that you don't even feel sad because you don't feel anything at all ... and I contemplated death, not my death but the death of the personality within me with all its hang-ups, arrogance and prejudices that I disliked so much, so I killed it and created a new one with a new set of hang-ups ... that suited me far better.

    For many people there may be a new life, or at least a new outlook on the old one, just around the corner if they are bold enough or desperate enough to stop going in a dead straight line and turn that corner. Newton discovered that, that you keep going in a straight line unless you experience a push in another direction. Sometimes you can push yourself but otherwise someone else may do it for you.

    Just as MidnightPoet says, to find a solution you have to understand the problem, really understand it, and then perhaps you will see how it can be solved.

    Admittedly that's a vague response to an equally vague problem, but in the end you must find your own solution, even if that entails phoning a friend, as they say, or at least listening to one.
  3. Winston's Avatar
    I think I know you well enough to know that you're a tough SOB. But from my experience, tough sometimes ain't enough.
    But what is enough? What is too much? You'll need to eventually figure that out.
    In the meantime, accept the fact that your dark space does not own you. You own it. Crawl out when you're ready, dust yourself off and grab the world by the balls again.
    As far as the die / kill yourself thing... yeah. Worse yet, it runs in the family. I don't know your pain. We each have our own, unique Hell.
    But like I said, claw your way out when you're ready. I know you can.
  4. dither's Avatar

    If I could go to bed in the morning knowing that I wouldn't wake up ever again. That would be brilliant but I'm a wimp you see. Tired of living, scared of dying. Rock and hard place.
    I try to eat healthily so as to cope with the rigours of work and shall, in all probability, live longer for it. Don't you just love the irony .
    Work and paying bills. There IS nothing else.
    At least I'm able to DO that. It's something I suppose.

    Good luck with your's.

  5. Theglasshouse's Avatar
    I hope you somehow recover. Since you are American, does Medicaid cover treatment? My cousin who is an American and was in a car crash, she goes to hospitals which can be very expensive. But it covers staying at the hospital and so forth. Ask a doctor if they can help you get a Medicaid form and to fill it out for you. A doctor who is married to another cousin of mine filled out the paperwork. I think that is the name of the program and covers people who are young adults. Also get insurance if you work somewhere. That is an investment people tend to ignore.
    Updated July 25th, 2018 at 02:12 AM by Theglasshouse (added more.)
  6. SueC's Avatar
    ROP, is there a writer on this planet that has not experienced what you are describing? Can you write about it? You are not specific about the "problems" you are facing, but maybe you can put them down in your own hand, and then close the book, or put the pages somewhere - away. You have shoulders here; you know that. Is that enough? When I am low . . . does it help for you to hear what I do when I feel bad? That bad? I don't know if it will help, but that is what people do - right? If I wake up in the morning feeling bad, then I know I am in for it. And then sometimes I just stand up, and I can actually feel the heaviness lift. No explanation. I don't know why one minute my life is not worth anything, and the next I can see a light. I no longer pray for gifts, but for the strength to face whatever is coming down the pike. Make me better, I pray. Make me strong. ROP, I feel your pain because I know it. Take a breath. Stand in the sunlight. We all care about you.
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