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midnightpoet

regrets

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Some people say they have no regrets; and that's fine for them - for me, I've got to many to count. Getting married is one of them; my current wife and I do love each other, but we are so far apart on others. I've come to realize I'm a minimalist (took me 73 years to figure that one out, duh). My wife likes knick-knacks, pictures on the wall and so forth - but things get cluttered. Way too much stuff.

We've discussed this, and she agrees - but we're stuck with each other. I suppose this blog should be on the pointless post thread but I didn't want to clog it up.

Another thing, I don't fit the suburbanite-cut lawns-fix things-four-bedrooms-and-a-mortgage profile. I'd much rather have a simple loft apartment in the city and let someone else take care of maintenance.

I suppose I'm lazy but there you go. Of course, I didn't think of all these things when I was young - I was too damned horny. Maybe If I had controlled my urges better I'd be happier now. And maybe not.

That's the thing, looking back. Like that box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

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  1. H.Brown's Avatar
    We never think of things like this when we are young. We are headstrong and try to live in the moment however what is a life if it does not have a few regrets we are not purfect at the end of the day, we all make mistakes as we stumble through life I suppose the key is to not dwell on the things we can not change, accept them as part of who we are now.

    I love boxes of chocolates you get a range of different ones
  2. bdcharles's Avatar
    To quote the author Geoff Dyer: “Have regrets. They are fuel. On the page they flare into desire.”
  3. escorial's Avatar
    Better to have regrets than what ifs....I reckon....Clutter rocks man
  4. bobo's Avatar
    Why don't you take a vacation from each other ??
    You in a simple loft appartment in a city - and she whereever she likes and can affort to go
    Nobody should be 'stuck' with each other, it's never too late to start a new period of one's life, whether it's for finding the true common bond - or finding oneself in other circumstances.
    Life is for those being ALIVE !! !!
    DO something about it, pls.
    Best from bobo
  5. sas's Avatar
    I have never regretted leaving a 35 year marriage. And, for the record, he was a nice guy, but a peripheral one. You know the type, the non-participant observer. I used to say my headstone would read: Someone Bored Me To Death. Not anymore. Our children tell me he is still waiting for me to change my mind. It's been almost 18 years.

    I just shared, on a discussion thread elsewhere, what I've always told my family: Do not make a decision by not making one.
    I took my own advice. It's good advice. So, decide what is most important. Then accept your decision.
  6. midnightpoet's Avatar
    Bobo

    Thanks, I appreciate the thought but that's quite impossible (yeah, it is). Anyway, part of the above was tounge-in-cheek, but I really shouldn't have ever gotten married (you might want to read my blog series here on my depression).

    Tony
  7. dither's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by bobo
    Why don't you take a vacation from each other ??
    You in a simple loft appartment in a city - and she whereever she likes and can affort to go
    Nobody should be 'stuck' with each other, it's never too late to start a new period of one's life, whether it's for finding the true common bond - or finding oneself in other circumstances.
    Life is for those being ALIVE !! !!
    DO something about it, pls.
    Best from bobo
    bobo,
    you ARE right of course , it's funny, it can take a person a lifetime to finally accept that they need to get out/break away/start afresh etc. but me? I'm in my sixties and I work nights. My wife, works part time and she has her problems.
    I think, as sas quaintly put it, we've both made our decision NOT to make a decision. We don't argue, rarely disagree, there are very few words spoken and we get along. We have a roof over our heads, it's OUR roof and we don't go hungry.
    I bring home the bacon, so to speak and she keeps the place tidy. No, I don't lounge around all weekends doing nothing but I'd have to admit that she does most of the housework.

    ANYWAY;
    Going back to midnightpoet's post.

    You should see where I'm sitting right now. It's like one of those hoarder documentaries. It's a small room with a narrow walkway through the detritus of sixty years live piled high on either side. I couldn't bear to part with any small piece of it and yet, I would love to have a large empty room with the absolute minimum of furnishings to spend the majority of my downtime in.

    As for what ifs and regrets;
    I have a brother who says that if he has regrets, and I don't know that he does, it'll be for what he did, not for what he didn't do. Alas, I'm not he.

    sas, being described by young women as a "nice guy" used to cut me like a knife, it hurt like you cannot imagine. Truth is I was/am a mouse of a person. I've lived most of my life scared. Afraid to do, afraid to be, afraid to live. To say that I've been peripheral would be a gross understatement and I regret that but we are what we are.
    Updated March 19th, 2017 at 01:36 PM by dither
  8. sas's Avatar
    Personally, my guess is that your last words above only reflect where you are intellectually, not emotionally: "we are what we are", which is what is required for contentment, acceptance; not perfection. You are no where near that. You parrot words you do not believe.

    Even the most energetic of us lose momentum, as we age. Acceptance is easy; change, damn near impossible. Remember, there are those, on this planet, who wish they could count upon having one boring day, after another, and another. There is something to be said for that predictability.

    Because my granddaughter & her father are ADD I know that it is often accompanied by hoarding traits. Clutter is both comforting and suffocating. There are effective medications for ADD, if you think you might have it. Ritalin has worked for my family. Or, perhaps depression allows you to bury yourself alive. I feel some think they can handle this without meds. The brain, like other organs, needs a chemical balance. We take meds for diabetes without hesitation, but try to soldier on depressed. It is the most destructive of imbalances, because one takes others down the rat hole with them. I hope you find your way out. Best. Sas
    .
  9. dither's Avatar
    ADD,
    that's interesting and yes I've thought about that but sas people are dying of such awful things in indescribable ways, how can I possibly go whinging to my GP with what IS in effect a mood.
  10. sas's Avatar
    My daughter is a physician. She would absolutely disagree. The mind is another organ. Please move out of the dark ages calling it a "mood" like you are moody and should just straighten up. Diabetics should just straighten up their pancreas, I guess. You are dead wrong. She treats many with depression. High time all who are afflicted by this awful condition sought the medications that are available. And, unless a life event triggered it, you will not talk your way out with counseling. Seek medical help without unwarranted shame some feel. You owe it to those around you, too. Find joy.
  11. dither's Avatar
    Joy?
    Wow!
    Don't think I could cope with that.
  12. dither's Avatar
    sas,
    I've thought about seeing my gp but I'm not sure that I want to be "normal" now. Just to feel okay about living another day, y'know?

    Apologies midnightpoet but maybe there's something here for everybody.
  13. sas's Avatar
    I hit LOL, but my ex husband found joy in nothing, for no apparent reason. We had a good, worry free life. He was what I call a walking flat liner. A dysfunction that can infect those around them.

    I recently read a medical journal where a control study was done, on those depressed, and not taking medication. In short, the half that was required to simply smile more, improved immensely. So, what controls us? Our outside or our inside? Interesting.

    Smiles to all. Sas
    .
  14. sas's Avatar
    Dither... "just...to feel normal about living"??? The fact that you think there is something "just" about that says much. But, you're not listening.
  15. dither's Avatar
    sas,
    oh I don't know.
  16. midnightpoet's Avatar
    Dither

    Although I admit I regret getting married (at least to my first wife) I also admit I couldn't have gotten through my depression and prostate cancer without my present wife, and now that she is having complications from her hospital visit (including constant diarrhea) I've somehow, despite still fighting my own depression,managed to find the inner strength to help her. It's not easy, and often I don't feel capable but I do it anyway. Look at yourself, find your inner strength to cope with your situation.

    Cheers

    Tony
  17. dither's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by midnightpoet
    Dither

    Although I admit I regret getting married (at least to my first wife) I also admit I couldn't have gotten through my depression and prostate cancer without my present wife, and now that she is having complications from her hospital visit (including constant diarrhea) I've somehow, despite still fighting my own depression,managed to find the inner strength to help her. It's not easy, and often I don't feel capable but I do it anyway. Look at yourself, find your inner strength to cope with your situation.

    Cheers

    Tony
    midnightpoet,
    I DO cope.
    I get by, that's enough.
  18. bobo's Avatar
    Sorry, cannot really relate to all that marriage talk.
    As a young person I took a hard look on every married couple I met, and seeing that none of them was really happy I left that thought, cause I wanted to be happy more than being married
    Happiness comes from inside, not from outside – and as I later learned : happiness is an act of WILL.
  19. dither's Avatar
    What was I thinking?

    Of course it's not enough but it could be a lot worse, I really do try to see that.
  20. Gofa's Avatar
    Everyone gets a turn
    things I regret are 90% about what I have done and 10% about what I should have done.
    Married Twice the first one ended up a Holy Roller taking dictation directly from God.
    Current married again for 10 years and it's a partnership. I'm mid sixties and I will no longer chase the naive things I did as a youth
    Oh I do still chase stuff but it toys glorious toys
    Depression. Oh it visited me. Given blood pressure tablets It took two weeks. No amount of psychology can change brain chemistry. Like a drunk trying to think themselves sober. Just ain't happening
    Mind you homeostasis is a lovely word. But if you don't have all the pieces it is hard to get a balanced picture.
    Dither my friend. Get a calendar. Mark on it good days and bad days Then do the math and talk to your GP
    Getting old is no place for young people or those with a weak constitution.
    When I grow up and get big Oh dear thats already happened
    I've spend my life on the basis of delayed gratification. Not no more I want lots of stuff mostly in my mind and I want it now. I'm hearing later is no longer a good time and certainly not an improvement on now
    By the way. Change. I'm going to live in USA for part of each year for a while. An adventure. Altogether too many foreigners but I will manage
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