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midnightpoet

Depression lll

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By exploring the roots of my own depression, I hope I help some others who still struggle.

One of my root causes was a poor self-image. I never was able to live up to his expectations. I remember one time after my second marriage he was over to the house and I showed him some shelves I built. His only comment was "they're crooked." Not helpful.

As my personality developed, I realized I wasn't good a "guy" things. I wasn't mechanically inclined, wasn't good a building things, not good with my hands. I felt unworthy because, that I wasn't much of a man. My experience with my first marriage only intensified that feeling. My first female boss at work didn't help either.

I eventually realized I didn't have to be a stereotypical male to be a man, but it took a while.

Then I had a strong-willed child, then married a strong-willed woman. I realized I didn't have the wherewithal to cope with strong-willed people.
At work, they only frustrated me and made me angry - and I'm convinced that's one of the reasons I wasn't promoted as others were.

At home, I found it easier to just let them do whatever hell they wanted to - but of course that didn't work. I would put up with things so long then would explode in frustration. And honestly, I still don't know how to cope with them.

Still, knowing the root causes of my depression helps my ability to cope with life in general.

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  1. midnightpoet's Avatar
    I messed up, and can't figure out how to edit this. In the first few paragraphs I was referring to my father.
  2. RhythmOvPain's Avatar
    I don't normally post in random blogs (or many at all for that matter), but I have to say that your ability to pinpoint your insecurities and understand them is commendable.

    That said, at the end of the day, one must act a certain type of way in response to the result of one's self appraisal.

    How can you change the things that make you sad, angry, or confused?

    You can't. These factors are totally out of your control. All you have at your disposal is the free will required to decide how you will respond to the things that fuck you up.

    Not everyone has self control or the confidence to overcome adversity, but ERRBODDEH has it in their lives.

    Some people allow their situation to change their perspective, or even alter their lifestyle.

    Me, I say fuck it.

    Your only goal in life is to do you...

    Fuck that guy and what he's got. Fuck that bitch telling you you're not good enough.

    FUCK THE POLICE.

    Really, though. Insecurity isn't your enemy. Insecurity is your identity if you let it dictate how you act. Insecurity is your judgement if you let it dictate your thoughts. Insecurity is your benchmark if you wish to overcome it.

    I hope that makes sense.
  3. midnightpoet's Avatar
    Actually. yeah, I understand - in the end you've got to grasp your own life and make it what you will. If you let others bother you and you let them run your life you are going to live a miserable existence. My wife is like that - she doesn't forgive and doesn't forget, and although she realizes she's letting others ruin her life, she can't seem to stop herself - and unfortunately my efforts of help haven't helped much. Knowing the problem is the first step to fixing it.
  4. dither's Avatar
    midnightpoet,
    i'm totally with you on this.

    Rhythmof,
    you are right of course but there really is no way back for people like me and you're just gonna take my word for it.
    So how have i? how do i? cope with people.
    I just shut up shop and walked away, into an absolute wilderness.
    Outside of work i don't know damned soul.
    The nearest i come to social interaction is if/when a bus driver asks how i'm doing.
    Yes it has troubled me greatly through years. I tell myself that it doesn't matter, i don't care but of course it does and i do.
    But i don't see any other way.
    I have such a fragile ego.
  5. midnightpoet's Avatar
    I understand, Dither. My job as Purchasing manager I was almost forced to come out of my shell and to make business relationships. In time I got used to it, played golf with salesmen, visited manufacturing plants, went on business trips. I still don't make friends easily though, and prefer being by myself. I'd rather read a book while listening to music than go to a party. I did make some quasi-friends at my writer's critique group and that was fun. Life's a bitch sometimes, it just is. Hang in there.

    Tony
  6. dither's Avatar
    Wow!
    I'm impressed.
  7. escorial's Avatar
    will there be a 4th....
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