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Stillborn Thoughts

  1. witching hour thoughts

    by , August 17th, 2020 at 08:26 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    This weekend has been a respite of the mind and soul. While much of it was spent simply doing adult work Ė laundry, cleaning the house, taking my cat outside and playing with her Ė they were all generously slow and simple. There was nothing particularly complex about anything I did, and thatís what was spectacular.
    This is something Iím sure the older among you will recognize. The joy of a simple day seems an understated one, but something I canít imagine living long without.

    ...
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  2. worldy worries

    by , August 15th, 2020 at 02:32 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    it feels, lately, as if the worries of the world are too real to bear. not to say Iím incapable. Iím anything but that, and honestly that fact makes it worse. knowing I can fix my problems but havenít only shines the spotlight internally.
    thatís why Iím writing another of these after so long Ė theyíre a good receptacle to leave yesterdayís remains in. perhaps not the prettiest of send offís, but itís what works.

    Lately, work has become a greater and greater focus for me. First ...
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  3. a mother sized hole

    i donít have much to say today. motherís day is a hard day for me to be okay with. my mother has borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. the former causes her moods to be unstable, as well as her relationships. the latter results in emotional abuse of her family.

    as such, itís hard for me to be thankful today. rather than being a day dedicated to recognizing the past and what sheís taught me, it quickly becomes a day of rumination and sadness.
    my mother refused to eat ...
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  4. grey clouds

    been a bit since i updated on here. i feel a little rusty, but weíll give it a go. since my last post, iíve been working from home.
    with that, however, my room has become my office on top of general chill out and live area.

    so iíll wake up, turn on my computer and be at work. cool. 10 hours later, iím done workingÖbut still at work.
    itís a weird ocean for me to navigate, i tend to need separation of work and home.

    except iíve been working on it. i wake up
    ...

    Updated August 16th, 2020 at 02:55 AM by Greyson

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  5. lacking something

    by , March 16th, 2020 at 11:26 PM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    itís been an interesting few days with the rapid development of the corona virus and its spread, the world seems to have hit a wall in its desire for normalcy. Even what seems normal at times has taken on an insidious tinge of anxiety, a fear that seeps into even the mundane.

    An empty street is something to behold now, something we grab onto and point at, saying Ďlook whatís happenedí despite its occurrence before. A cough or a sneeze are now things to be wary of doing when you leave
    ...
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  6. justice on a day like today...

    there used to be a pilgrimage where the pilgrim would place peas in their
    sandals to make the walk uncomfortable, an ever present pain meant to remind
    of the repentance they sought. to truly grow spiritually on this journey was to accept
    the pain of this life and to incorporate it into yourself. to accept the pain until you no
    longer resented it.

    today it seemed my boots were slowly being filled with peas. one after another,
    dropped in when i wasnít
    ...

    Updated August 16th, 2020 at 03:05 AM by Greyson

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  7. this time, differently...

    by , February 25th, 2020 at 04:29 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    i used to be a very competitive person. i needed to win games or else i felt a hollowness, something along the lines of having wasted my time. i would compete to complete solo games faster than other people. i would compete with myself, setting unrealistic expectations and demanding results. i was, in short, unhealthy.

    i attribute some of this to my parents, youíll see me do this for some time. i do not place the burden of blame solely upon them, i still acted in this way for some time
    ...

    Updated February 25th, 2020 at 04:42 AM by Greyson

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  8. letting it out

    by , February 24th, 2020 at 03:41 PM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    (edit: this is from 2.14.20, took a while to figure out how to publish).

    hi all. back again with another installment. I get out of work early on Fridays Ė 11 am Ė which makes up some for the four, 10-hour days prior. today was somewhat difficult for me.

    I tend to be really bad at processing anger. I repress and ignore it until I blow up at something or (unfortunately) someone. Iíve grown more adept at releasing it safely through sublimation techniques (ie playing a game ...
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  9. a snowstorm is brewing

    by , February 19th, 2020 at 05:10 PM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    Today, Iím struggling not just to find motivation, but to remember positivity. Something about this job is crushing, but then so were many of my other jobs. It leaves me wondering where the problem lies: in the job or in me?

    This line of thought of course doesnít lend itself to a great mindset. Anytime i put myself in the cross-hairs, I tend to feel frustrated and confused. Often it culminates in a sense of overwhelming anxiety, anger, or sadness. The way forward isnít clear, and despite ...

    Updated February 20th, 2020 at 12:16 AM by Greyson

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  10. an unexpected return

    by , February 12th, 2020 at 03:37 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    greetings all. it has been some time and in it, i have changed. for one, iím terrible at uppercasing now. I just donít unless, as was the case there, it is forced upon me. canít win them all. but far more has changed than just my grammar (is that grammar?).

    I went to graduate school for philosophy and found that I didnít love it. what I had dedicated some four years of my life to, and my predicted future, turned out to be a mirage Iíd created for myself. so, I went wandering.
    ...

    Updated February 20th, 2020 at 12:23 AM by Greyson

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  11. Choosing Freedom

    by , February 28th, 2017 at 05:09 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    This is a short essay I wrote on a whim. I hope it's not too vague.

    The Existentialists say that existence comes before essence, that we have the freedom to create who we are through our actions. They also note how our actions define not just ourselves, but anyone we interact with. The basis of our existence is as such to be as free as possible while allowing others that very same thing. But freedom is ever under siege. It is not something we are guaranteed, but something we must
    ...
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  12. Critiquing or Criticizing

    by , February 23rd, 2017 at 05:10 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    Right now I'm in a creative writing class. I decided that I ought to take it just because I wanted the experience, wanted to get an idea for what it was that editors would like to see and what they might cringe at. I didn't go in expecting it to be the answer to all my problems (and no one should, there is no golden medicine to save all our souls instantly). That being said, I was also hoping that the people would be respectable in their critiques.

    I want to preface this with the fact ...

    Updated February 23rd, 2017 at 06:34 PM by Greyson

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  13. Why Do We Suffer At Our Own Hands?

    by , February 16th, 2017 at 04:44 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    I canít seem to pinpoint where the voices come from. Clearly, there is much to finding them, I am not alone in this struggle. To feel self-doubt is to be human, to worry youíre alone or stupid, lost or even unlovable. Yet, just because these are human does not make them right or true. After all, we are all the same, yet we are all different. I might fear isolation, yet I still push myself towards it. What for, you might ask. For the same reasons we all fear parts of ourselves. Because we think ďonly ...

    Updated February 17th, 2017 at 09:07 PM by Greyson

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  14. What Kind of Writer Are You, Anyway?

    by , February 11th, 2017 at 05:17 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    Iím having a not-so-unique crisis in regards to writing lately that can be broken down into two issues. Not to get all analytical in this, but they look a little something like this: 1. In trying to write every day itís transforming into almost a chore and 2. I canít tell if I ought to be writing fiction or if Iím better off in the world of academia.

    I think the second one is way easier to look at for me mostly because Iíve struggled with it for years. As students in the public schooling ...
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  15. Returning

    by , December 11th, 2016 at 01:59 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    I wanted to start this off by saying something about how I'm very glad to be back and apologize for having disappeared, as honestly I am both of those things. But instead, I think that I'll spend this time explaining what sent me back.

    I made a blog in these past few months for a class I'm in right now and I've been posting there what I can make while also studying, reading, and writing for classes. It was a personal blog dedicated to forcing me to post WIPs and just get some people ...
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  16. What is the function of Humans?

    by , September 25th, 2016 at 09:30 PM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    [I would like to start by saying that while I arrive at a conclusion here, it is by no means the end-all be-all. If you have anything you would like to add, please feel free to speak up. I would love to get some new perspectives on this, I just ask that you be respectful/tactful in your approach. If you require clarification on anything said, let me know, I would be glad to explain further. ]
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...

    Updated September 26th, 2016 at 12:32 AM by Greyson

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  17. The Metal in our Souls

    by , September 19th, 2016 at 03:49 PM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    Is it possible that all of us hold, within our souls or minds, an end that we are destined or born to take? I do not mean that we are inevitably forced down a single path, or that we are without free will and sentenced to a certain end, but rather that there are certain activities we have greater dispositions of power and will towards, activities that we are naturally inclined to do and naturally better at. We are not forced to pursue these things, whether they be sport or editing or whatever, but ...

    Updated September 26th, 2016 at 06:03 AM by Greyson

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  18. Isn't this...where we came in?

    by , September 11th, 2016 at 05:17 PM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    Life has a funny way of reminding you about the past even while youíre trying to live in the present. The other day, a friend and I set out to go to a political rally -- I was actually helping him with some work for his respective party. The drive ahead was about a two hour endeavor, so beforehand I had been thinking about what music to listen to on the way down, a decision that holds no small gravity to me.

    Scrolling through the myriad disjointed songs I glued together into a mismatched ...

    Updated September 12th, 2016 at 04:27 PM by Greyson

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  19. Re: The Meaning of Life

    by , August 18th, 2016 at 10:48 PM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    [So I was originally going to respond with this on kaminoshiyo's blog entry The Meaning of Life, but I ended up writing a bit too much to justify posting as just a comment. So out of respect and as a means to not hijack his thread, I have created this one here as a means of response and a place to air my thoughts from that post. I would recommend reading kaminoshiyo's blog first (linked earlier) to ensure that you are seeing the whole discussion and so that this does not seem like random blathering. ...

    Updated August 19th, 2016 at 02:22 AM by Greyson

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  20. The balance of things

    by , August 11th, 2016 at 06:35 AM (Stillborn Thoughts)
    I'm not sure if any of you have noticed this, but I have a pretty deep fascination with Taoism and the Tao de Ching (I mention it like this because my signature is an excerpt from the book). Anyway, I've been thinking recently -- oh god I know what a horrible thing to do! -- and I have been contemplating the idea of balance. Now, for those of you who might be unfamiliar with the Tao de Ching, it is an ancient Chinese philosophical/religious text that was meant to instruct its readers on how to live ...

    Updated August 11th, 2016 at 12:11 PM by Greyson

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  21. Learning to be Social

    I've been told all my life that living only truly starts when you leave your comfort zone. A terrifying prospect, for sure, but I have held it near to my heart for a long time and I think that there is some veracity to the statement. It doesn't call for you to jump off a cliff or swim with sharks (two things that absolutely terrify me by the way). Instead, it merely asks that you attempt to expand that bubble we all have, inch by inch, to get to a more full you. Right now, I'm in Virginia expanding ...

    Updated July 29th, 2016 at 05:00 AM by Greyson

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  22. In Praise of Clocks

    [I was bored at work and the ticking of a clock behind my head started to give me a migraine, so I thought I should thank it for all it's done for me in my life and yours.]

    What sweeter sound is there in this world than dry, rasping knock of an analog clock? The seconds, minutes, and hours pittering by, all in the friendly reminder to us that there is no slowing in our countdown. At a glance, we can discern just how much of our day we have missed, wasted, or enjoyed. And how could
    ...
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  23. My Slow Descent to becoming a pretentious movie critic

    I just watched a movie on Netflix that I cannot even begin to understand how it was a thing. I cannot fathom why anyone thought that this particular movie was good. But apparently, against all odds, people came together and agreed that the steaming pile of excrement that was this movie was actually good. But let me rewind for a second.

    I was bored and tired and in the mood to just sit back and watch a movie. I had been watching Wes Anderson films for the past few days, but I tend to ...

    Updated July 12th, 2016 at 01:42 AM by Greyson

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  24. A rather inspiring list for leaders

    So, back to the ol' grind at my internship again. Been going in feeling much better lately.

    I was sitting at my desk, clopping away at the keyboard to make up a quick questionnaire my boss had asked for when he sent me an email.
    "Look through that, see if there's anything important in there we might need to save for the future," he said off-offhandedly. See, my position right now is to sift through the history of this place and compile a book on it that gives the brief ...
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  25. Writing at Work

    I have an internship this summer. Now before you get all excited and congratulate me on my progress into adulthood, let me just say that this is not exciting for me. I won't go into details on where I work or what I do, I think it is sufficient to say that neither suit me.

    I find myself waking up Tuesdays through Thursdays, putting on one of my button-up shirts, and commuting with the droves of people who do this every day of their lives. I thank whatever god may exist -- I don't discriminate ...

    Updated July 5th, 2016 at 05:40 PM by Greyson

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