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Why I write.

I'm not sure of the protocols with a new guy just making himself at home with all the gadgetry of the forum, but I am a born jabberist and if you show me a place to jabberize, predictable things occur. If I've run afoul of the rules, feel free to delete this and smack me. I request gently, but I'm not a picky person.

A psychologist would have a field day with me. I don't exaggerate when I say that, if every thought I had in any given day were typed in a document, we'd be talking about a forty page document. No “trying to make myself sound smarter” or “trying to impress da ladies wif my mega brane”, just me being me. Forty, fifty pages when it's bad. Rather than impart some level of intelligence to me, I find that it does the exact opposite. It is impossible to be very smart when you literally have thoughts coursing through your mental streets so quickly that a tenuous grasp is all you can manage with any one thought.

Puppies, duckies, dog food, food, pasta, wire, Chevelle, Monte Carlo, Monte Cristo, Count, Count Dracula, bats, bat(beep), crazy, looney, looney tunes, taz, devil, Satan, evil, Leah (really long story how those two connect), allergic, sick, barf, Leah, pretty, airhead, airmail, FedEx, UPS, USB, internet, email, mail, pony express, William Tell Overture, da duh dunt da duh dunt da duh dunt dunt dunt, Hi Yo Silver, gold, platinum, wood, game, dominoes, Little Ceaser's, Pizza-Pizza.

It's like that all day, and I have to force my mind into a lower gear so that my mind can keep up with itself. That sounds bipolar, but the kicker is that I have been depressed badly just twice in the past five years. I've been like a gerbil full of uppers for all but a few of my 29 years. I've been told there are prescription drugs to slow me down, but I'm afraid of ending up in a drug induced stupor like a Zombie. Wandering around with two coherent thoughts per week, one being food, the other being bed.

Writing is my counter-poison. Writing focuses me. It makes me semi-coherent. It allows me to express myself, while slowing me down. When I write, I can slow my mind down to a pace just faster than my normal typing speed between 90 and 125 words per minute. I can cope with two words per second in my head. I can't cope with two hundred thoughts per second, none of which make sense in or out of context.

I am a naturally nervous and hyper-worried person. I say hyper-worried because I don't know anyone who worries more than I do, and about the most mundane things. Today, I've sent a few PM's on this forum. With each, I've worried I may have screwed up and upset a new friend. I've made a number of posts, each left me worried that I had breached an unwritten rule, and upon refreshing the activity stream, would find myself locked out. I worry about everything, and mask my worry with humor. I am so glad to have a passable sense of humor, or I'd be awkward. That would worry me.

I cope by writing, by masking my fears both legitimate and imagined with humor. I write not because I have a passionate craving to do so, but because I am insane when I can't. A few months ago my laptop crashed, and being unable to write I was left to face my mind alone. I have hand deformity issues that mean that my penmanship is illegible. I have seventeen pages of a notebook that attests to the fact, because I can't even tell what I meant on any of those pages.

I write, not just because it is fun. I write, not just because it grows me as a human. I write, not just because I can take my vocabulary for a walk. I write, not just because I like the ego stroke when people respond positively.

I write, because I don't like me when I don't write!

Comments

Hey TJ, you sound like me. I am most definitely ADD I think but never been diagnosed by anyone other than my family and closest friends (who tell me often). I actually was once told that I had hypermania. I am not bipolar, rarely get depressed but sometimes I am too happy/excited/amped up. I have avoided prescription drugs as well.

This actually works well in my career, I am a project manager with many different projects/tasks I am dealing with every day and my brain is spinning so fast that it just naturally lands on most of them frequently enough to get the job done. Weird.

Writing is a relatively new hobby for me (based on how long I've not been writing) and I'm loving it. Your blog resonated with me on many levels.

Glad you are here :)
 
Everything that I've ever seen you submit seems to be on the up-and-up to me. Honestly, so long as you're not cursing vehemently on public, non-creative threads and you're not personally insulting other members, there's not a lot you can do wrong here. There are a few other no-nos, like creating fake accounts to bump your own work or spamming self adverts, but a simple perusal of Da Rules should put most of those concerns to bed. If you've not taken the time to look them over, I always suggest that everyone should do so.

As for your personal information, you might want to take a look at my own blog entry where I mention that I am an O.C.D. sufferer. And I don't mean the, "Oh, my socks and belt don't match," O.C.D. I mean the, "I am constantly aware of all of my actions so as not to negatively impact my family and friends by my negligence," kind. It's honestly a bit more involved than that, even, but getting into the details is both complicated and uninteresting. I write because writing is something that I can do that just allows me to feel free. I'm able to create and dissect things and just feel free for a little bit. I also enjoy cooking and playing music for the same reasons. It should be evident at this point that I have also eschewed medicine and therapy in lieu of my own creative outlets, the difference perhaps being that I have worked as an Outpatient therapist for a few years, diagnosing and working with the Severely Mentally Ill population, so I've been on both sides of this coin. It doesn't make it any easier or anything, just lends a bit more insight into what several of us seem to be going through concurrently.

Regardless, we're glad to have you on board, TJ. Keep up the good work! And, by the way, I haven't forgotten or ignored your request for a critique on your "Handling it Well?" piece, I've just not had the time to sit down and comb through it with my crit-eye active, but I hope to have something for you soon!
 
No rush on the crit. I'm in no hurry, and don't want to make anybody feel like I'm expecting others to do things at lightspeed.

You raise valid points. I'd say that, speaking honestly, I haven't gotten too close to any rules. That doesn't keep me from being constantly concerned that I've unknowingly goofed and am about to be made a former member, lol.

I've read your entry and found myself drawing a few parallels.

Everyone has been so nice to me here, the two of you, and everyone else have gone out of your way to make me feel like a welcomed member. In forums, that's fairly uncommon.

TJ.
 
TJ, I'm so glad you joined up. Your psyche seems a fine match for many of the shenanigans we've got going round, and I hope to get the chance to read more of your work.

Meanwhile, check this thread out. You'll fit right in (and we need all the participation we can get).
 
TJ,
there's a fair bit of me in that opener, although i rather fancy a bit of drug induced stupor.
It would be nice to get off for a while but there you go.

Keep posting, I like your tone.

dither
 

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