i am tired of the virus. i am tired of the reactions to it. i am tired of being shown humanity’s true face.
and i am tired of this creative bump.
but despite this tiredness of mind and spirit, i am being mindful. i have given the advice ‘speak to yourself no different than you would a friend’ and i have begun to heed it myself.
this week, despite the anxiety and the confusion the virus has caused, i looked to recognize my needs.
i worry often about finances now that i’m on my own, but i gave myself the leeway to buy a game
i’ve wanted for some time now. as an early birthday present, i said. but ultimately because i’ve worked for it.
ultimately because i saw the stress and the worry i have been put through and decided that man deserved something for his efforts.
beyond that seemingly simple task, i have also curtailed my work anxiety by learning that productivity is meaningless without rest.
i found a mean, as such, of neither working too much or too little. a place of refuge found only by first weathering the storm: the eye.
even more, i’ve allowed myself distance from those who bring nothing but complaints and negativity.
it was a hard move, as i never like to be mean, but i have formed the boundary needed with the office complainer.
i still show them kindness, offering help if they ask or giving warnings, as i did today, but no further contact truthfully.
but on warnings, i got an odd one today which i had the displeasure of sharing with my coworkers.
the other day, we received an email regarding continued work during the pandemic and city shutdown.
we were told that it is true some of us could be moved to working from home. But despite that,
this will not be permitted as not everyone has the ability to do work from home.
and so, a matter of public health was turned into a matter of fairness. ‘it is not fair,’
the email could have read ‘to allow some people the benefit” – for they certainly see it as a benefit – “of working from home. what about me?”
those of us who could work remotely were, understandably, disenchanted by this red-herring.
one in particular expressed their dissidence. he was fired on the spot. so i had to go about warning those in content,
for we tend to express our thoughts on the emails we receive, to watch what you say.
i hate that fact. especially when in a country of free speech, bigots and racists are free to express their opinion,
but at work, i am not. Elizabeth Anderson calls companies “private governments” and it’s increasingly clear to me why.
while at work, the government we vote for has no jurisdiction. private property, private laws.
but that’s what i did. for i cannot well get my metaphorical head chopped off here without risking far less metaphorical problems.
i don’t know what else to say really. i understand the economic implications – i am affected by them, too. but to that end,
i cannot say that putting others at risk to keep yourself financially secure is a worthy trade. if i were a utilitarian,
i’d go so far as to call it immoral. but i no longer speak in such definite terms.
so instead, i’m just doing my work and caring for myself. i’m playing into the narrative we are spun that any problem is your own.
an unfortunately unfounded truth with far too firm a footing. for what we do shapes the world around us.
no single action i take is without consequence for another person.
but we’re avoiding philosophy here if we can. let de Beauvoir speak for herself, and i for myself. and each of us, our words and actions,
will be heard and interpreted by those we come across. may they be words of wisdom and kindness, i only hope.
to close out, i am not mad nor angry. what use are those emotions to me now? i hold them here in my hands and they are weighty,oppressive things. i have thought on them and in the end i have found i am better off without them controlling me for now.
but that’s me today. wish me luck; tomorrow i have to contend with a winter storm on my drive to and from work, too.
maybe the pureness of the snow’s white can offer us a distraction from the worries of sickness.
as always, a poem for your troubles. stay well, friends, and care for yourself and your neighbors.
out the window
incense smoke carrying
my worries away.