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Uncomfortably Numb

We had a fairly regular routine on Sunday mornings. We'd all sleep-in a bit, go to church and see my father after services.

It's Sunday morning, and I'm just sitting here. My father is gone. My doctrine / religious philosophy has taught me that unless a man is "saved", he will not go to Heaven. My father was many things, but he was never a "saved" man. It's a long story, involving a religion / cult called Jehovah's Witnesses, but he was turned from God.

Was that HIS fault? Really? Will he spend an eternity in Hell because God, in all his power, let my father drift from Him? Not only does my sect of Christianity say so, it's all over The Book. Look it up.

So, I've used my "free will". I refuse to sing praises to a god that sends men like my father to Hell. Good men. All kinds of people that God had decided to let slip past Him. Is Heaven not big enough? Is God not powerful enough? Does he not love all his children?

All I know is that I love my father. The father that God saw fit to ignore. And if my dad will spend an eternity in Hell, I will be there with him. Because I love him.

It is said that sometimes, children can teach their parents. I wonder if God can understand and appreciate my choice. If He can see what love looks like.

It is so quiet in our house right now. Ripples of anger and sadness erode at the edges of my soul. But mostly, I am numb. There's a hole in me. I haven't spoken to God since shortly after my last words to my father. There is so much that I want to say to one, and absolutely nothing to the other.

I should write, but there is no "there" there. Not a black, foreboding void, but a featureless vast expanse of nothing. If I make a sound, it doesn't reverberate, echo, or get drawn in. It floats aimlessly. To a place where no one hears it.

Because, we're born alone. We die alone. And despite the window dressing, between the two, we are alone.


No comment, Winston. You're in a tough place that I'm positive many have been before. Lacking any faith whatsoever I will not add. Anyway, I hope that the better times come soon to you. We must carry on now, mustn't we? Stiff upper lip and all that. Think of the kids, your wife. I know you do already, but... sometimes it helps to say it. And...they do need your comfort. God Bless, if not literally, then figuratively. It's the sentiment that counts (at least that's what I can manage)
You know I went through the same thing, you also know that we share the same faith "Christianity'

My Dad is the one that used to bring me to church, it was because of him that I found Christ and found the relationship that God wanted me to have with him. Christ died on the cross for that reason, to be able to stand before Him, sins forgiven.

You also know that when my Dad died he no longer knew the Lord, he had given up on him. When I was a kid my older sister died, my Dad blamed God. He began to drink and eventually he and my mother split up. It would take years for my Dad to get his life back together, he never ever did rely on God again or his past faith. He believed that God had let him down in both the failure of his marriage and the loss of his daughter.

My Dad died and un-saved man just as yours did. We are not called to judge. We are put here on earth to see who we chose to follow. The reason we are here is that God wants those who want him. You can never force anyone to believe or put faith in something they do not want to. Some have the desire to have that relationship some don't. I have always shared my faith with anyone interested but never had the desire to force feed them by beliefs.

You ask, "How can God ignore my father" He did not, your Dad just as mine choose to ignore God, he exercised free choice just as God had intended.

Think of your relationship with our Dad and what was so important, what mattered, that is all that God wants with you.

The same love that you hear in your children's voice when they say they love you is what is what he is also seeking. God does not want false love, or for someone to just mouth the words. I am sure as you were growing up there were times when you did not get along with your Dad. To mouth the words " I love you" in the middle of an argument or tough time would be wrong, there is no reason at the present time to feel guilty for not saying it.

Your Dad never expected you to always cherish him, there would be times when you would butt heads and not see eye to eye. It did not mean you have given up on him forever you were just pissed at the moment.

Fred you are in my prayers to be able to heal over this. I will also PM you my phone number if you wish to talk. I have been through this also, I just have the advantage of being further down the same road, I too suffered the bumps and bruises that you are seeing now...Your friend Bob
So sorry for your loss... I know that sounds trite and I am sorry. I have been there--in that awful place of such terrible, numbing nothingness. My beloved mother was killed in a wreck after she left my home, July 30th 1996...Her legs were severed from her body and she had massive brain trauma. She bled out while the paramedics took care of the person that killed her...I was mad at God for a long time. I am better now but I miss her every day. It is said that time heals all wounds---not true! We just learn how to seperate the pain from our everyday life--or we could not function. Peace...Jul
If you ever need to talk--I am here for you...I found through my own grief--that sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger.. My family was struggeling to come to terms with their loss and could not help me...peace...Jul
Hi Winston,
I feel for you if you lost your DAD. But it doesn't totally mean he's not saved.
If you read the Bible, it says there, men can be saved through salvation.
And as Jesus died for us, all of us are saved despite of our wrong doings.

The only person who can tell if one is saved is the person himself.
If he believed, then there is chance to be saved.

But all people are created equal and in God's likeness.
Even if we go wrong, God in Heaven will forgive.

Try to look on the brighter perspective.
We are not born alone ... our parents were around us.
We don't die alone ... our friends will come to console us.
I went through a similar issue when I was about 15 or so, but not with my father instead it was my grandmother. Torn away by cancer, and in the end from the treatment, she didnt recognize anyone, she couldn't form coherent sentances, she looked frail and broken. I prayed and prayed and our family went to church, nothing changed. She never did anything less than good for people, a 3rd grade teacher, and went to church herself twice a week. I didn't understand, then I kept looking deeper into my religion and the bible and how it'd changed over the centuries at the hands of the people in charge at the time. I looked more at where Christianity came from. I gave up. I have music now, and it puts me to feelings and places I've never felt before.

I hope you come to peace with anything you do. If you find god again or not. As long as you can find happiness. I hope the best for you.
I'm humbled ny all your kind and thoughtful comments. Even if I'm a bit uncomfortable, as I feel unworthy of kindness.

I feel obliged to reply individually to each of you, but at this time, this is the best I can do.
It still seems if I am sleepwalking, in some lucid dream that I think I can control. I feel the dread, and see the monster. But I do not run. Not because I do not care, nor am I fearless. I don't run because I know it won't make a difference.
I wake from time-to-time, wondering if it's the dream within the dream. It all seems so normal. But it's the middle of the night, and I must rest before work tomorrow. So I close my eyes again. I know what awaits. Dawn is so far away.

It's been just over a month, and the days pass like poorly digested gristle through an irritated bowel. Yes, all things in time will pass. I appreciate the patience the community here has shown me. I promise I'll be back. I just can't say I'll ever be better, just different.
Thanks, Winston.

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