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ton of bricks

lately been struggling with depression....been a while since my last episode and to be honest the longer the gaps inbetween the more severe it seems to hit me...I have my coping mechanism but it often dissipates into a feeling of why can't I beat this enemy within...struggling to do anything just now and the need to cope is fading fast.


I enjoy reading your contribution on the forum. I hope you realize that you play a meaningful role here. Hang in there.
You were one of the first friends I ever made on here man, and still are. All the kind words you have given mean more to me than I could ever describe, and I can't thank you enough. Remember all that stuff you said to me about my struggles? Because I do. Hang in there man, you have shown me it is a fight worth fighting. Today isn't going so well for me, and I can tell that the rest of the school year is going to be absolute hell, but I'm not giving up. Keep going escorial, right after you get some rest. ;) <3

And if you ever need somebody to talk to, lemme know!
My wife suffers from bouts of depression. I know it's a tough road and things seem black on black.But light eventually breaks through the bleakness and the world will change color once again. hang in there- my thoughts are with you

my warmest
thanks smith..you have a wise head for someone so young...your words mean alot..cheers man

rcallaci...it's so frustrating but as you point out...it will pass and that is so true..today i feel ok and often get annoyed but its best to air your feeling rather than bottle them up...thanks dude
have a slip of anti-depressents in the cuboard i kind of keep just in case i fall into the mood....thing is i never take them because they make me lethargic and in truth they don't..well can't work for me at least.
Depression is a very personal struggle. I hope you find deeper insights into yourself as you tread this dark path as well as find many different ways of meaningfully coping with it.
Power through, esco - keep the channels open man. Write a letter to someone you haven't talked to in a long time, and tell them you miss them and hope they're doing well. That's worked for me in the past. Weird, I know. :) All the best, matey - P
thanks Guy Fawkes..coping is a struggle...you just don't want to cope you want to get away from it and what comes after is embarrassment at feeling the way you do and putting it out there but it's my coping mechanism and it works for me..spot on dude.

keep the channels open man..Plu....that is so important with depression and its when that stops things can go horribly wrong..brillant insight man...WF is my channel for this and for that i am forever grateful to the compassion and understanding of what is a very selfish condition for me..cheers dude.
I take sea kelp supplements; they help with balance and energy just enough for me to get back on track when I feel the black seeping in. May not work for you but I find them miles healthier than anti-depressants.

And remember not to accept it, it's not you. Like bad weather, it will pass & the sun will shine again. Clichéd but true.
all your comments mean a lot to me and today......I'm still in this jail I've built for myself and while I can feel the emotions arising over time the ability to avoid it all is beyond all reasoning just now...
I woke up this morning feeling depressed for no real reason, myself. I'm okay, but sometimes all it takes is for a friend to come around and cheer you up. That's what seems to work for me , anyway.

Anyway, keep the faith, Esc.
Escorial and Mrmustard I love the title of this blog, "A Ton of Bricks" I can picture both of you hunched over struggling to carry the load up the hill, each step a struggle, each step one more step up the mountain of life. Feeling as though you are loaded down and can not carry anymore is a true feeling of desperation and probably the best way I know how to define depression. I also know that a ton of bricks is made up of many pieces, each was added one at time, as your burden is lighten it is done so one brick at a time, never all at once. I offer this as a friend to both of you, my load is light, let me help you carry some of yours. As a friend nothing lightens my load more than helping someone else with theirs. You are both in my prayers if I can do anything to help please let me know...Bob

Forever the optimist I offer you this http://www.oldworldbricks.com/antique-reclaimed-bricks/
MrM..i'm happy you can find your way through it all.....well done man

Plasticweld....that was a nice thing to write and thankyou for your prayers.....

drunk a bottle of whiskey last night..and it helped to embrace the darkness..for a few hours i just had nice memories flooding back....woke up at 12 today..straight in the shower and let the tears flow with the water
wrote this the last time..ah well..life goes on and on

Sitting on the coach, the destination known but the place is a million miles from where I want to be. Picked a seat away from anybody in the hope I don’t have to get into a conversation with someone about where their going and what their about. My mind is swimming in a sea of confusion and desperation, leaving everything I know behind the connections that make you feel secure and the thought of being so alone is paramount to you but at the same time it’s scares you so much you wonder what it is your doing right now. Self doubt and depression are following you but decisions have to be made regardless and maybe just by chance it might be the best thing you can do right now. So on with the journey destination unknown but the arrival is all about fear of the future.

Looking out the window you keep thinking I will never see this place again or travel back to the place I know so well. Tears fill my eyes because I’m leaving me behind, all I loved or ever cared about and that hurts so much but it’s something I have to do right now. I’m getting the urge to tell the driver to stop and just let me off but what would that do for me right now except put me back in a place I don’t want to be or around people who have concerns about my future well being and safety with all that has gone on over the last few months. I’ve thought about what I’m leaving behind but the urge to go is stronger. Images keep flashing through my mind, happy days and times that are like torture to me just now but as hard as I try to block them they just keep coming.

What brought me here is just another episode of my life I’m running away from and what other people are going to say is not really my concern right now but hopefully they will understand that for me this is a journey I have to take to try and find my place in this world. The world I once had as gone forever and the future will not be the place I want to be in but new experiences may give me some hope for the future. Not that I’m looking to get connected with anyone or start afresh but this is where the confusion keeps creeping in, how do you start again if it’s only you in your world and everyone is locked out. Is it possible to have a life without other people being part of it..No!..so at some point you will have to let somebody in.

How can you reconcile this situation without getting drunk or high to live outside of reality and become what..nothing!!!...there has to be away to get back to being you again and wake in the morning to a new day and a smile about what is the most mundane of things but when you lose the feelings of happiness and sadness infects everything you do then it’s such a hard thing to do without making some enormous cockups along the way. There is no excitment in my journey right now but what there is can only be described as release from being me and the mess I have made of all I know over the past which seems like forever but in reality is only a small part of the journey that is my life right here, right now.
I liked what you wrote escorial, because I can relate to so much of it. Often have I felt that way, where I think nobody will understand so I block people out... but at the same time I wonder how anybody could understand if I won't talk to them? And so after a long while being on my own, I met some new people. Figured things out inside my head that were only for me to tackle. Things began to open up again, from stormy to overcast. I went back to some of the people I shut-out and rebuilt the bridges I felt were worth rebuilding.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would. In fact, there were many times when I thought it would take forever. During those times I considered just putting an end to it. But people showed me I still have so much to live for. That it was a battle which would have an end, and a battle which I could win. And that the harder I struggled and the smarter I fought, the faster it would be over.

How did I know I would win? I realized that the only way to lose, was to give up. To allow the darkness to win. But if you keep trying, it will subside. It has no other option. That's the catch.
thanks Smith.....as always..direct,clear words.....my struggle will go on and at the end of the day only i can beat it.....writing is my release and it all helps...cheers dude

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