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time

it’s been a week. where to begin, i don’t know. maybe because
all time has lost its meaning, and each day has blended to a blurred
abstract of what we all once knew. but regardless, what a week it’s been.

to begin with, i have been finding my moods more stable and controllable.
something that two years ago seemed unattainable and elusive,
but has slowly come as water erodes stone into unimaginable shapes.
i have found, more and more, that at day’s end i can sleep with peace – though
some days that can still be a chore. the art of awakening, as always,
still evades my grasp, but what harm is there in sleeping in?

but to begin: i had a meeting with my supervisor this week,
a quarterly review as they call it. i was told of my consistent quality
and excellent grasp of grammar (somehow – if you asked me to explain
the rules of grammar i’d laugh and tell you i’m not an editor). immediately after,
i was told that our boss couldn’t care less about quality, but wants to see
quantity and pace. sure, i said. nothing more.

and when asked about where i see myself in the company, i answered truthfully:
no where. there is no upward mobility, and with the four people we’ve fired
in the last few months, what security is there either? now, at least, with only
three writers, the numbers are on my side, but i doubt even that will prevent
thickheaded managers from making cuts.

but in this, i finally was mobilized to apply elsewhere. why work for a company
that pays me (literally) minimum wage to write loads of content when i could
take these skills to a place that will appreciate (hopefully) the effort and pains
i put into my labor, and pay me more accordingly?

and in a wild turn of events, of the three places i applied, i have heard back
from one. we have a phone call today that might yield something fruitful.
(and, i’ll admit, i would cherish the chance to leave this place with two writers
so they can recognize the importance of content creators – my apologies
to the one writer left whom i respect).

beyond that, i have been writing more and more, but allowing myself
the space to not on some days. to explain, i’ll speak of just the other day
where i was exhausted from worrying and still worried more that i wasn’t doing
my personal writing. this used to be a daily occurrence, a fear that i wasn’t
living up to some perfect standard and that in doing so, i lost my license
to be called a writer. but yesterday, with the help of a friend or two, i was able
to see through this ruse my brain employs and took the day doing other things, without guilt. afterall, there are other projects besides writing – shogi – that i am undertaking,
and a day dedicated to those is never a day wasted.
nor a day spent idly, i’m finding slowly.

finally, on a side note, my little cat has been learning not to meow for attention.
it’s been a slow process (she’s rather used to getting her way) but she's
learned to sit and wait five whole seconds quietly before she becomes insistent.
through it all, i’ve worn my best patient parent hat and partaken in the modeling
that i missed in my youth. the fact that i can keep calm has been a source of joy.
whether she learns to be more quiet or not, the only real failure in the process
is when i lose my temper. (and even then, it’s merely a set back, giving
into the frustration is the final failure).

but, that’s that for this week. i’ve been struck with questions of next year
and wondering where i’ll be (where i’ll go) and eyeing vans and nomads
with more a candied eye. thank you again for reading my brief little update,
and to change things a little, here’s a poem slightly longer than a haiku
(one or two of you might recognize it). be well and may peace find you, my friends.

time.
indeed indeed. who can say
how or why it erodes
the soul
so well,but slowly go the
cracks along with all
the hard edges

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Greyson
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