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The inevitable.

Perhaps I had been reluctant to write about it, fearing I'd sound like every other person my age.

Anyways, I thought, before, that I'd surely go crazy once I started living alone. The first few weeks, I was fine.Now, those thought eat at me. A little nagging worm in the back of my brain.

D'ya ever get that feeling? That, you're surrounded by people, yet, truly alone?

I have friends, of course. But that's it. Friends.

Otherwise, anyone a shred older than me sees me like a son or daughter, oddly. I've been mothered and fathered all over town. Apparently, despite people telling me that I'm smart, I somehow look like I need constant guidance, advice, or... something.

Maybe it's my nature. How I daydream. Maybe I often seem lost. I don't know. Or either I'm viewed as a sibling. Like an older or younger brother, and treated as such. That means I have many friends. I'm likable, sure. Or else people would avoid me.

But no one looks at me in THAT kind of way. I'm always 'cute.' Not handsome. No.

I'm skinny, yeah. But, I'm not lying either, stronger than anyone else my age.

Arm wrestling, lifting, running, exercise in general. More weight, longer periods. I look better too, much more definition than any of my friends or family. My cousin was still in public school and worked out during P.E. every day, I still was stronger than him.

I consciously realize I have little to physically complain about. I'm not arrogant. I don't brag. I don't lie, cheat, steal, get in fights, or upset anyone. I don't badmouth people, and I work hard at my job. Perhaps it's those glorious gods of random numbers. There's so many people in the world, and I just haven't met the right one yet.

Yet, it is the nature of the human mind, to always look back, think of happier times. To question, or doubt one's own decisions.

So, the doubts that nag at me are there. Could I have done better? Gotten stronger? Worked harder? Or not at all?

After all, what good has it done me? How better off am I? And being alone only seems to make such thoughts worse.What's wrong with me? Do people see me as someone who's not centered? Off-balance? I've come very far from the isolated, angry youth that I was. I'm much happier now.

And still, they persist.

Will I go on like this forever? Will I die the same way I am now? In some room, alone, with nothing there besides my clothes and dirty dishes, no family to care, no friends that will remember me?

Sometimes it feels like I have only ever desired a person to share my life with. All these crazy daydreams, all of my story ideas. My own story, how I've changed, what I still want to become...And he/she will tell me their story. I want to hear it.

Thinking about it makes my chest ache. Hormones, maybe? Will it ever go away?

As always, time will tell all things. But right now, lying awake alone isn't very fun.

Anyways, I'll do something else now. It's just good to write it.

Comments

You're much too young to be worrying about any of that. Ironically, the moment you start feeling comfortable in being a bachelor, you will probably find a dame that won't see you as her cute kid brother. Don't be so quick to dismiss the freedom that comes with that romantic independence at your age, either. Being responsible for the happiness and well being of another human being is rewarding, else people wouldn't do it, but anchoring yourself to somebody when you're so young can be stressful too! Obviously I have felt that same yearning, but now that I am a little more experienced, I want to pass what I have learned back, hah. That need for companionship can practically burn a hole in your chest, but you will forget it all when you find her so take your time.

You're a great guy, Crow. Any gal would be lucky to have you, I'm sure. That fact isn't going to change, no matter if it takes you a year, two years, or ten to find the right one. Promise. ^^
 
My angel says that being cute, needy and harmless but with intelligence and hidden strengths will do it every time but being angst-ridden is a definite turn-off. There's a world of difference between being arrogant and quietly self-confident as well. You seem to have that old Greek maxim "know yourself" taped but perhaps "be at peace with yourself" is important as well.

Some women seem to have a sixth sense about how people feel within themselves. Once my angel met one of my work colleagues for the first time and told me immediately afterwards that his marriage would break up. It did a couple of years later. He'd never spoken about it directly but perhaps he'd had doubts which she'd detected. I have many reasons for calling her my angel.

If you are radiating that feeling of being out of control of your life then maybe they are picking up the bad vibes. No more with the negative waves man, as some might say. They really do exist. Boofy is right about that romantic independence. It was only after I'd resigned myself to being a confirmed bachelor that my angel latched onto me. I never understood why but it may have been that she detected the inner calm that that decision had induced in my demeanour, that I was at peace with myself and could always be trusted as a result.

Just give it time.
 
Said it before, but being an unencumbered young adult you are free to explore without worry of upset from your partner. Push those thoughts of loneliness aside and go experience. You won't get a second chance.

and as an aside, I would recommend a combat sport, most importantly, something full contact... nothing like experience to know you can handle yourself if needed. I
 
how people see you will very really tally up to how you see yourself....find yourself before you find someone else dude....
 
You seem like a cool dude, Crow! Keep sharing your stories with us; it's what helped me in my experience.

There's nothing wrong with being a bachelor. ;) Seems like sometimes we might even be ahead of the game in some ways, so it never hurts to relax while the crowd catches up.

If you ever need somebody to talk to, lemme know.

- Smith
 

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Crowley K. Jarvis
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