Whilst this blog is entirely factual, you're probably better reading it as fiction. Names have been changed.
It wasn't a kadunk that woke me up this morning. It wasn't that deranged magenpie that somehow knows exactly when its ten thirty every day, but is not able to avoid flying into the same curtained window. It was that crazy bitch/witch (the two are equally interchangeable and valid in her case) Tetskaja. Shagging some dumb fuckwit in the loft above me.
She'd moved her bed again. Now I'm not an argumentative person. I abhor confrontation. But the amount of times... The springs are well old and the whole thing makes a weird noise - like that donkey out of Winnie the Pooh. The bloke she was ragging was, well his noises were even weirder. And Tetskaja… Well she likes to scratch and bite and do all kinds of crazy shit, so you get the picture. Its not a great way to be woken up. But it was before ten thirty. I never normally wake up before 12 at earliest. It gave me an idea.
I lay there listening to the human zoo. All the dust motes and cobwebs from the ceiling, cascaded down in waves that echoed the rhythms of their coitus. Shafts of sunlight speared through the holes in my curtains. The flotsam and jetsam washed down upon the tide, danced and whirled, caught up in little eddies of sunlight. It was quite beautiful. Would have been utterly surreal (in any other abode). Quite fantastic. But in truth it was still a fucking pain in the arse.
Tetskaja is from one of those Polish countries. She says she's a witch, that she comes from a whole line of them. Normally I would think that a pretty twatty affectation. But she's quite hardcore about it. Hates all these teenage wicca kids. Says magic should be used to fuck with people. The down side is that most of her magic seems to entail fucking anything that moves - in a loud and vulgar fashion (apparently sexual magic is very powerful). I wouldn't mind but I live directly below her. She's also in something called the ONA, which I won't go into now, but is pretty fucked up (some kind of Nazi Satanic cult that believes in human sacrifice, I kid you not).
She likes to walk around the house naked so you can't complain too much. Has cured my lifelong affliction of turning bright red in the face at the drop of a hat. Oh and she's also a Nurse, which makes her a de facto national hero (got a halo and all).
Anyways I digest. Being a glass exactly filled to the centre type person, I looked to take a positive out of the situation. I realised that if I sat at the end of my bed and peered out of the side of my curtain (my room is tiny). I might be able to spy this crazy magenpie. Catch it in the act. Work out why it was choosing my window to kamilakaze into every day.
It was difficult for the sun was in my eyes. This is a very rare occurrence. Our squat is a terraced house and my window looks out back. From our back door to the back door of the house opposite is less than twenty foot. There's a brief snicket two houses to the right and the sun was coming through that. I thought that might be why old bird brain was beaking it into my window, but it hadn't been sunny on all of the previous days.
I waited, ten thirty came and he didn't show. I started to worry for him. Then at ten thirty one and 37 seconds (unlike him to have such poor time keeping), there he was, flew straight through aforementioned ginnel and directly into my window. From him flying round corner to impact took less than two second. I would have missed it if I'd blinked. I leaned out of window to check he was okay, but the daft bugger got up and flew away in time.
Anyways today I have -
- had a full English, Mankad was a legend and drove right out to buy some bacon (shops round our way don't sell it for obvious reasons)
- did some work on book
- got a comment on a poem I wrote
- told (asked politely) Tetskaja to move her bed back
- ended up somehow doing it for her
- gained my first dedicated reader of my blog. His name is dither and he's well sound. (As the Mango Mussolini might say... a top guy... truly exceptional... a true friend of the American people... we're going to do things that you wouldn't believe... big things... things that haven't been done before... that people won't have seen... its gonns be big, BIG news... and other such spurious hyperbole)
That's about it from me for today. Everybody's downstairs off on one after sampling the first crop of mushrooms they've been growing in the loft. I'm teetotal (apart from the odd bit of Mankad's Codeine water) so I might go down and mess with them. Could give me some good ammo for tomorrows blog. Until then remember, stay safe, stay indoors, protect the NHS.
ta rah a bit P (that's Mr Grimes to you dither)