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Subjective stress. {Language}

My apartment application was denied.

Since my online schooling is 'work at your own pace,' they don't classify as full time or part time. Well, apparently they want to be all yup in my business, so because that wasn't specified, it was denied. And I can't do anything about it, or apply again, for some stupid reason.


As I also mentioned, I was fired. That part doesn't bother me as much. I needed a different job anyway. Hotels suck.

My parents are still helping me, of course.

I can get re-hired almost instantly, since apparently bosses love me, but it'll still be two weeks before a first pay check. And then, however long it takes for another apartment application to go through. So I'm not starving, I don't have tests, I shouldn't have stress, right? No.

As I admitted, I'm sick and tired of being viewed as a child, and pissed off and whatever is holding me back. The longer I stay between jobs, the longer I'm still my father's son and not my own man. And the less time I have for any artistic endeavors.

But this did help me realize something. I've also, as if by delightful depressing coincidence, remembered several things. Flashbacks, almost. Many things I had buried beneath the other memories or swore I burned long ago.

I found that I'm still holding onto them, as if with my own fist. Every present problem only adds to every problem I've ever had, because I still haven't let go of anything.

I try to. Believe me.

But there is no belief, prayer, meditation, process of thought, exercise, or person alive that can make me do it.

I don't care. I don't care about SO MUCH.

Why does the tiny 1% of the things I choose to care about lodge itself in my mind like a parasite, and grow until my knees give out under the weight? And why can't a throw it off?

I can lie to myself, I can lie to others, but it doesn't matter. They feel it. No matter how 'cute' or whatever the fuck people see me as I am, they feel it. Everything I've ever dealt with hangs on me like price tags.

I don't WANT to be one of those people with 'baggage.' I want to throw it away and burn it, so I can be who I am.

But I can't. Why?


Most people have things that they're quite happy forgetting. Some can - others have a harder time. Look, I can't really comment on your life since I dont know you well, but it's better to work out why these memories are lingering. It doesn't mean you're one of those people with baggage, honestly everyone has baggage.

As for your current situation, It is easy to feel helpless when you have an independent spirit. I'm not going to tell you to buck-up because it's not that simple. Life looks like shit. But if you think about it, plants need shit to grow - so we need some to grow as people.(if that makes sense - it's early in the morning so I don't know.)
I'm a firm believer that dreams and nightmares are there to try and tell you something. Same with the things we hold onto.

It's up to us to figure out what they mean. There has to be a reason beyond "just for the hell of it". And I think the biggest thing is asking ourselves how we can grow from it. Once you grow, you HAVE moved on. You HAVE let go.

Kind of like what Novice said above. Take away and learn something from this baggage.
the brain never forgets...you wonder why you think of things in the past that bothered you..as time rolls on they stress you out..baggage..you will be carrying it all your life lad..
Man oh man do I have the same problem.I constantly deal with thinking if I good enough or not or if I'm capable.of doing anything. Which is silly because here I am, breathing and doing things and people have confidence in my abilities, but yeah sometimes it doesn't matter if you yourself can't get over said things or problems or baggage or whatever it is.

I always have the hardest time forgiving myself and having more confidence in myself. It's hard when your own family or friends like to shine light on things you'd rather forget.

I can't say I have advice for that other than kicking that shit to the curb as often as you can. Every time you have a moment, tell yourself to rise above it. Yes, easier said than done but more importantly, you're not alone in your feelings,I definitely understand how you feel all too well. I hope that helps in some small way. And I am sorry that life is crap right now. The smell does indeed go although, even if it feels like it lingers longer than it should.

You're a strong person Crowley.

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Crowley K. Jarvis
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