Since my online schooling is 'work at your own pace,' they don't classify as full time or part time. Well, apparently they want to be all yup in my business, so because that wasn't specified, it was denied. And I can't do anything about it, or apply again, for some stupid reason.
As I also mentioned, I was fired. That part doesn't bother me as much. I needed a different job anyway. Hotels suck.
My parents are still helping me, of course.
I can get re-hired almost instantly, since apparently bosses love me, but it'll still be two weeks before a first pay check. And then, however long it takes for another apartment application to go through. So I'm not starving, I don't have tests, I shouldn't have stress, right? No.
As I admitted, I'm sick and tired of being viewed as a child, and pissed off and whatever is holding me back. The longer I stay between jobs, the longer I'm still my father's son and not my own man. And the less time I have for any artistic endeavors.
But this did help me realize something. I've also, as if by delightful depressing coincidence, remembered several things. Flashbacks, almost. Many things I had buried beneath the other memories or swore I burned long ago.
I found that I'm still holding onto them, as if with my own fist. Every present problem only adds to every problem I've ever had, because I still haven't let go of anything.
I try to. Believe me.
But there is no belief, prayer, meditation, process of thought, exercise, or person alive that can make me do it.
I don't care. I don't care about SO MUCH.
Why does the tiny 1% of the things I choose to care about lodge itself in my mind like a parasite, and grow until my knees give out under the weight? And why can't a throw it off?
I can lie to myself, I can lie to others, but it doesn't matter. They feel it. No matter how 'cute' or whatever the fuck people see me as I am, they feel it. Everything I've ever dealt with hangs on me like price tags.
I don't WANT to be one of those people with 'baggage.' I want to throw it away and burn it, so I can be who I am.
But I can't. Why?