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Struggling with Senryu

Does anyone else find senryu addictive? I have been working on this one for weeks and it still does not feel right


tequila sunrise
autumn colours in a glass -
nature served with ice

***
tequila sunrise
sunset colours in a glass -
nature served with ice

***
tequila sunrise
sunset flavours in a glass -
nature served with ice

***

tequila sunrise
happiness served in a glass -
penny for your thoughts




Comments

Yes, I have my moments too :) Senryu is something I go to when I feel a need to express something, but I prefer not to write in quantity. However, expressing something in so few words can be a challenge so I try to make each word earn its keep. Sometimes this can involve a double meaning or using one word to allude to another. This probably isn't the original intention as Japanese is a different concept of language from English

To the senryu that you have written here: I think that you could make room for 'sunburst' rather than 'sunrise', because it feels stronger to me and can give the visuals as well as implying flavour - effectively carrying out two tasks; I've heard the term bursting with flavour. It may even be possible to refer to the drink as 'tequila sunburst'
Although there's no requirement to write senryu in such a manner, the -burst will give a little internal rhyme with 'serve' if you decide to retain the idea of service.
I'm sensing an image of the sun starting to rise between two mountains and those mountains form the bowl-shaped part of a glass.
The word 'crystalline' has formed in my mind while writing this and might serve to express the idea of the ice.
I can imagine the concept of a 'frozen moment' too.

Writing this has taken me to something like:

tequila sunburst
a crystalline creation

By using another set of words, I've managed to condense the concept into the first two lines, though it is more obscure. I've used sunburst to imply the flavour and/or colour, crystalline to imply the ice, and creation to show nature. I even have an 'a' in there which seems wasteful, but I'm trying to keep with the 5-7-5 syllable format even though many say it's not essential. Also, it does leave a full five syllables for the final cut line which isn't leaping out at me right now. I did give brief thoughts to using Waterford for glass but that may not be a good fit.
Just a few thoughts from me. Back to bed now :)
 
Potential Last line from a Pink Floyd aficionado

comfortably numb
 
I really like the dea of using double meaning idea! Tequila Sunburst - I think you've just created a new cocktail.

By using another set of words, I've managed to condense the concept into the first two lines, though it is more obscure. I've used sunburst to imply the flavour and/or colour, crystalline to imply the ice, and creation to show nature. I even have an 'a' in there which seems wasteful, but I'm trying to keep with the 5-7-5 syllable format even though many say it's not essential. Also, it does leave a full five syllables for the final cut line which isn't leaping out at me right now. I did give brief thoughts to using Waterford for glass but that may not be a good fit.

Could be

(2 syllable word) + crystalline thoughts

Just a few thoughts from me. Back to bed now :)

Interesting to meet another creative night owl.

thanks, Phil

I challenge you to write a senyru about night owls
 
try this:
tequila sunrise
forgotten until sunset
then stirred to enjoy

Just a thought. I have been writing a lot of haiku, not senryu, but I do believe it is not supposed to rhyme and is usually about human nature and its foibles.
 

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