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Spring came, but did I come with it?

It's been a long time since I've really sat down and wrote a story, or a poem that had actually had meaning, and that I wanted to write, not just because I felt like I had to. I'm not sure I'm quite there yet, but I can feel the itch.

All of 2016 was so difficult for me. My job ripped me apart, my anxiety was unbearable, and I let it seep in to every aspect of my life. My relationships, work, my free time, the forum, everything.

I finally said no one day and applied for a job back in October. A month later in Mid November I got the offer and took it. 10 days notice I gave. My last day at Hallmark was December 3 2016 and on December 5, I started my new job.

Is it the greatest thing in the world? No. But it has given me time to start healing. Has my anxiety crept up on me since then? Absolutely. However it's gotten better. There's still so many things I have to deal with. I still need to actually go to the doctor and get diagnosed, or at least talk to someone.

I also know that I don't want to have the job I have now for the rest of my life. I'm starting to gain back the fever I had for writing when I first joined this place, and my need to pour out my thoughts and to create stories. I know I have it in me somewhere but my brain tries to tell me otherwise. I'm working on it.

I'm not happy with how I let myself drift off. It got to the point where I was snapping so much, getting so angry, and having so many attacks that I couldn't even find solace in this place and felt like I became a burden and an eye sore. I'm most angry at myself for not living up to what I promised. I told myself I could do it all and I just couldn't. I had to make a choice and step away from everything and give myself time to think.

Does it still bother me? Hell yeah it still bothers me, but I know it will fade in time.

I can't make anyone change their minds about me. I can't allow other people's opinions of me dictate my own opinion of myself. I also know that no matter how much I explain something to someone, sometimes apologies aren't enough and the damage is done.

But all I know is I can move forward and let my actions speak louder than my words.

This feels good. This feels right and I feel like it's been so long since I've done this. I'm going to try and I hope, no, I will, stick with this and stay with it because I feel like I have to, want to, need to.

Here's to starting over.


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