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Hoo boy. Introspection! Hurrah. Human beings do too much of this crap. Way too much.

Hmm. I'm tired again. I don't mean physically tired. Mentally. Er... metaphorically? Tired of doing the same things. Tired of seeing the same people.This is the price of a calm life. I had trouble. It's gone now.

Now I'm just... tired.

Me and my old soul. I'm world weary and I haven't even seen the world.

I almost don't want to.

How badly I wish I could travel. Just wake up tomorrow and leave. Go somewhere else, to a different part of the world where only one person knows you and shows you around.

Not where you know what has to be done. What has to be cleaned, and where everything goes. The world is more beautiful when you don't know how it works. But I do. I've seen it. Most people are quick to argue with their parents. Not me. I understood. I agreed. I learned.

Sure, I've done my fair share of stupid things, but there are people on meth at my age. I don't have any diseases or missing limbs from stupid injuries, or any psychological trauma.

It's the opposite.

I saw several documentaries... In other countries, any children born with defects are put in understaffed facilities where they rot.

Blind, deaf, mute, anything. They all go there. Some of them are technically adults. In their 20's. But they're still small. They were starved, their bodies stopped making growth hormones. Fully grown. They'll never get bigger. Many of them will never learn to speak. To read. To them, the world is senseless noise, or darkness, without meaning. They eat, they sleep, and they do nothing. Asides from bullying each other or being abused by the staff.

Many of them rock. Back and forth. For hours. Because it's the only stimulation they have. I don't meant to compare myself to that extreme lack of stimulation, but...It's something similar. I feel insane some days. Like everything is the same. I'm just going through the motions.

Occasionally someone touches me. Never for long. They always leave.

Nothing but silence and darkness. And me. Rocking.

Back and forth.


no one but you can make the world a place you fit in...its all about you and it really doesn't matter who is worse of or better of..all you can do is try and try and let the survival instinct kick in some how..
The only way to defeat monotony is the branch out from your comfort zone. The farther outside your element you travel, the less control you allot yourself, the more interesting your life will be.

Just use all that negative energy burning inside of you for what it's worth. It'll take you where you need to be to get away from it. If you embrace it, and utilize it intelligently, it'll protect you.
In one way I totally understand your perspective but at the same time I feel I need to caution you. Monotony isn't productive but complete chaos isn't either. Before you go on a Kerouac vacation, maybe try to break the chain that binds you first. Go out to a pawn shop and try to pawn a $1 bill, but for no less than eighty cents, firm. It was easily the most entertaining $1 bill I ever had, and I couldn't convince the guy it was no scam. I left with the dollar and he was utterly befuddled to the point that he was probably happy he didn't take my money and give me back less money. I imagine if there's a Pawnbroker's Gazette, I'm a legend by now. He truly thought I was working some kind of scam, or it was fake, or I had escaped from somewhere. I made a point to get cleaned up like I was going to a job interview. (Obviously, it wasn't a hometown pawn shop. I have to live here.)

One morning write down five things you could do today that you normally don't do, but would do if you had a reason. Space them on the page so they're not cluttered together and lay the paper in the floor. Toss a penny on the sheet with your eyes closed and do the one closest to the penny. (If it lands off the page, either retoss or pick the one closest to the penny where it fell on the floor by the paper.)

Do something different. Make an effort to make an effort. The easiest way to escape a rut is to turn your wheels in a different direction. You don't have to go on a Kerouac vacation, you don't have to try to join Cosa Nostra, and you don't have to attempt to seduce a pro boxer's girlfriend. Small changes, small and seemingly insignificant changes. Try the last restaurant that opened in your area no matter what it is (for me I'd be having my first exposure to Chinese Cuisine), ask someone in a store to help you pick a new cologne and flirt your ass off while you two choose a new brand, make yourself a promise to meet one new person today, or one new person every day for the next week, visit that store you've seen but never visited, etc.

Ruts stink but there's no reason you can't get out of them by making subtle adjustments to your life that will eventually snowball into larger changes. You go to a bookstore, strike up a light conversation with somebody, discover they're pretty cool, offer to lend them a copy of ____ book if they don't have it, friendship blossoms, and a couple weeks later discover that they know someone who might be perfect for you. Small effort, bigger outcome. You may have a rut but there's no reason for the rut to have you. ;)

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Crowley K. Jarvis
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