I'm trying to make this drawing thing work for me. Really, I am. I log my seat time, I'm making some small progress, I learn something new every day, I'm having a miserable time, I tend to fill my spare time with scribbling some shape or another, I really try, I study the craft. I want this, okay? I want to create the kind of stuff that makes the whole world go "Wow. That's, wow. I'm... I can't find the right words but I feel compelled to just give you money 'cause you showed me what awesome is and it's you. Would you be cool with that, just some... free money?"
A secret you might not know about me, I tend to make up words that I use for situations where currently existing words simply fail to imply the severity or grandeur I have perceived. For instance, squirky. Squirky is a descriptive word for anything mechanical that wiggles diagonally but shouldn't. Most old washing machines will go squirky from time to time if you put in too many pairs of jeans. A near-synonym would be... wibble-wobble.
Another is one that needs a bit of explanation: assplant. Okay, some of you may be familiar with "faceplant", those instances when someone falls down and the first thing to hit the ground is their face? That's a faceplant. Assplant is different. Imagine someone trying to climb up a wall with a rope. He's parallel to the ground, and he's walking up the wall with his feet and pulling himself up with his arms and the rope. Take the rope away. That's your classical assplant. It's a multitasker word, it can serve many purposes both tangible and intangible. It can be a higher-than-typical level of failure in an endeavor.
I assplanted so hard... It was a violent crash. I figured nothing would help me more than to expose myself (gutterball, I mean expose my drawings) to others, to peers. To people who are pretty skilled. So I went in search of a drawing forum and found one that caters to comic drawings. I joined and have yet to post any drawings. I likely never will.
Those guys, rather than bolstering my confidence, have essentially erased it. The worst art that I have seen there, the completely worthless works that devalue the paper they are crafted upon and could be classed as a waste of time and graphite... are two thousand times better than I am. They, they draw in a way that I simply cannot see as being akin to anything I've ever done. I'm not a huge comic book guy, I've only held a few in my whole life, and they could draw every one of them and likely do it better than the original. I drew a knife last night... It didn't look like a knife. I drew a car the other day, it didn't look like the kind of car I was trying to draw. These guys can create a panel that is publishing quality, and could easily start their own comic if they wished.
It's funny really because I figured I'd learn so much from them and all I've really learned is that I suck so badly as an artist that I devalue the word by using it to describe myself. I know what I want to produce but what I see in my head is nothing at all something I can produce. I know what kind of drawing/paintings I want to make but the concept is lost halfway down my arm and never gets to the stylus.
I suppose this has happened to writers. They have grand ambitions to be good and decide to serve as a typist or fact-checker for a "good" writer only to discover that the good writer is a great writer and they see the heights they'll never reach.