Don't start. Yes, I know, I'm young. Blahblahgfhdhf. If you could step in my body and feel it, perhaps you'd have more sympathy. And no, I don't care that I might be rude. Days like this are the days I cover up the most.
I tell people quite often that, in the past, I used to be angry.
So. Incredibly. Angry.
The words do not exist with the proper strength to express it. Now, I do not feel any proper anger. More accurately, I cannot.Normally, emotion can be a stimulant. Anger especially, turns into energy. Drive.
I may have been angry, but I was driven. Driven to do something. Anything.Now, I can't maintain a state of active anger. I'm too tired. My hands shake, my vision is blurry... it feels like every step I take is weighed down.
There are known and unknown causes for this.
First off, my diet has been terrible. Likely it is affecting my energy level. My sleep has also been off. Secondly, I have blood sugar problems, a huge predisposition for diabetes. My hands shake regardless and quite often my balance is off.
But aside from the physical... emotionally, I don't feel like doing anything. To be honest, I was fired. I need to have another job by the time that I move. My parents were not kind in expressing their concern to me.
I hardly can daydream anymore, like I used to.
Is this really what happens to us?
Do our only concerns become work, providing for ourselves? Draining our imagination and limiting our free thought? I see what workaholics do to themselves. 'Career-driven' people lead miserable lives. I'm not saying I don't want to work. By all means, I CAN and WILL provide for myself, and survive.
But consider it my foolish dream to cling to the mindset of youth. I will daydream. I will draw, I will write.
But, as I said, I'm tired.
So very tired.
That little rebellion in me is the only thing I have left to keep me going.
Family ties mean nothing. Nor do any friends. I seem to have burned all my bridges, as of late.
Why do I feel so weak?
I have so much I need to do. I can't afford to sit around and sleep.
The only thing I can do is get mad about it to motivate myself.
But as I said, now, my anger dries up more quickly, and the lethargy returns.
It is a terrible cycle.