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Purpose.

I'm tired.

Don't start. Yes, I know, I'm young. Blahblahgfhdhf. If you could step in my body and feel it, perhaps you'd have more sympathy. And no, I don't care that I might be rude. Days like this are the days I cover up the most.

I tell people quite often that, in the past, I used to be angry.

So. Incredibly. Angry.

The words do not exist with the proper strength to express it. Now, I do not feel any proper anger. More accurately, I cannot.Normally, emotion can be a stimulant. Anger especially, turns into energy. Drive.

I may have been angry, but I was driven. Driven to do something. Anything.Now, I can't maintain a state of active anger. I'm too tired. My hands shake, my vision is blurry... it feels like every step I take is weighed down.

There are known and unknown causes for this.

First off, my diet has been terrible. Likely it is affecting my energy level. My sleep has also been off. Secondly, I have blood sugar problems, a huge predisposition for diabetes. My hands shake regardless and quite often my balance is off.

But aside from the physical... emotionally, I don't feel like doing anything. To be honest, I was fired. I need to have another job by the time that I move. My parents were not kind in expressing their concern to me.

I hardly can daydream anymore, like I used to.

Is this really what happens to us?

Do our only concerns become work, providing for ourselves? Draining our imagination and limiting our free thought? I see what workaholics do to themselves. 'Career-driven' people lead miserable lives. I'm not saying I don't want to work. By all means, I CAN and WILL provide for myself, and survive.

But consider it my foolish dream to cling to the mindset of youth. I will daydream. I will draw, I will write.

But, as I said, I'm tired.

So very tired.

That little rebellion in me is the only thing I have left to keep me going.

Family ties mean nothing. Nor do any friends. I seem to have burned all my bridges, as of late.

Why do I feel so weak?

I have so much I need to do. I can't afford to sit around and sleep.

The only thing I can do is get mad about it to motivate myself.

But as I said, now, my anger dries up more quickly, and the lethargy returns.

It is a terrible cycle.

Comments

If you can't accept the way things are, you'll waste time trying to change them with unproductive labor. Once you accept the externals, then you can change your internals. But it'll take time.

For example, if you want to change the course of a river, just putting your hand into it won't change it. You'd have to dig the new canal. If you change your thoughts, you can change yourself, and then change others.

It might not work to be an example, but at least no one will be able to call you a hypocrite.
 
Jadon, first off, a doctor may be able to help you with the fatigue. Yeah, they charge an arm and a leg, but if there's a physical cause for it, and a prescription medicine can help... Walmart pharmacy has a program where most generic drugs are $4. It stinks to take pills every day, but I take a total of 6 daily. It's not as horrible as it might sound. I was just two years older than you when I went from 0 pills per day to 6 pills per day. I got through it with a crude joke: I'm never satisfied. High-school students like to experiment with drugs, but I waited until it was possible to mix 'em with booze...

The thing about burning bridges is that even though the bridge is gone, the timbers that hadn't completely burned up fell in the water and stopped burning. Get that wood and build new bridges. My point? Take what you know from those problems, and put that knowledge toward the next bridge you build to other people. There are times when I don't want new bridges, and I'm in a rut like that right now. It sounds like you are too. I've been in this run so many times, and it always passes.

The mental rut? I have only one technique that works for me. I've had thousands of items added to my ****et list. It's like a bucket list, but instead of items I want to do, it's items I never want to do. Most I've added were added in anger, some aren't. You don't feel like drawing, don't feel like writing. That's pretty normal to go through periods in time when you don't/can't. Stop trying. Seriously man, you try to force it, it's only going to push the subject further away. Leave it alone for a while. You cannot properly miss someone who won't leave, and you cannot properly yearn for something you stay close to. Harper Lee spent a long period of time not writing, but according to rumor, she didn't lose a step. It's not something you'll forget how to do, so give yourself a rest. Are you writing or drawing for an income? No, so you can afford to put your mental energy into other things like calling up new bosses and assessing whether they are more edifice or orifice.

I hate that you got fired, but the good thing about it is that you've got an opportunity to find a better job than the one that was snatched from your hands. I've been fired a few times, and all but twice the job I found was better than the one I lost.

Jadon, the one rule is to never give up. Don't give the hurdles in your path the satisfaction of knowing they won. I live my life with a simple plan: those hurdles, I'm going to be so stubborn and pigheaded that they give up first. Yeah, it's bitten me in the ass a few times, left me bloody and hurting, but I got back up and looked for the next hurdle. Stay stubborn. ;)
 
Hi,

Are your physical problems, the lethargy and what have you the cause of you being fired? I know it's too late now, but unless you pistol whipped your boss then he/she might have cut you some slack for absence, late attendance, failing performance if you had shared these things with them. That's just a guess. Your symptoms of fatigue could have many causes. Diabetes yes, depression, and a whole menagerie of other stuff too. In your current frame of mind/physical condition looking for a job might not be a priority because the whole process is exhausting and loaded with potential disappointment. I don't know what your situation is with your parents, but it was important enough for you to include in your blog. Mending bridges might help because you need support right now. Get a diagnosis from your GP to recognise and define your problems, at least that would be my first step because unless you can put that right then jobs, career and your future cannot be fixed.

Hope that wasn't too much of a lecture :) but I mean well.......
 
Joining the work force can be shocking. I remember my first job and getting up everyday 5 days a week, doing it over and over and over, but then something happens and you realize that it is just what people do and there are more hours in the day besides work. It is a matter of accepting that working for a living can often be unpleasant. Thinking about the weekend and building a "balanced life" with things outside of work to look forward to like writing or reading. It may also be worth thinking about doing something that you like as apposed to just getting another job or get another job and then make a plan for pursuing something that is more interesting to you. It sucks when you get fired. I don't have a lot of skills either.
 
I remember when I got let-go from my first job earlier this year. I was devastated to say the least.

It was in the midst of a ton of other problems, like yours seems to have been. School, relationships, depression... it felt like the final nail in the coffin.

I just want you to know that it has been four months since, and everything worked out. I see why some of those things happened. Learned from them. Picked myself back up, pushed through to pass my classes. Got back on track. Some bridges haven't been repaired. The ones that were though were the ones worth keeping, in my opinion.

Wish you the best. As others have said, don't force the creativity. It's counter-productive. Maybe try exercising, going to the gym or something. I stopped writing poetry for months, and just a few days ago wrote a new poem. I'm right were I left off. :)

You can do it man! If you need to talk to somebody personally, you know what to do. ;P
 
people who don't have to worry about money get to play at what ever they want and go through the same trials and tribulations that go along with it all..but when you have to provide for yourself and live in a world were no money no fun then that's just the way it is for you.....
 

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Crowley K. Jarvis
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