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More feelings and fantasized murdling.<3

For certain kinds of people... there is no form of motivation more effective than competition.

A challenge. An opponent.

Someone who, in some way, has either implied, shown, or given you reason to feel that they are better than you at something, or succeeding in some way or another that you have not.

It doesn't matter how little the difference is.

"I'm a inch taller."

To some people that doesn't matter. Others, however, fantasize about murdering the taller person over that inch.

I am the latter. I choose not to play sports. Or board games. Or anything that has any degree of skill involving multiple human beings.

No, I will not go fishing. You'll catch more fish than me and I'll spend the afternoon wondering how I could've killed you in the boat. Some people only feel it at healthy levels. But rather than angry, they're inspired. Motivated. Not me. I do not have 'role models.' I have 'people I want to surpass.'

Given my normal, daydreaming, uncaring nature, this particular facet of my thinking vexes me.

It's not a problem, normally. I can get over it. It's when someone says something. Why? Why, in your pathetic need to feel superior, must you make some comparison between us in a remark?It doesn't matter how light-hearted the conversation, how close the friend...

It is a bitter, burning hatred.

It is not healthy. But I don't care.

Is that wrong? Probably.

It inhibits my relationships terribly. When I feel inferior to someone, I lose any and all sense of kinship with them. They are above. I am below. There is something between us, a pedestal. It makes me sick.

This is, of course... ignoring love.

Love conquers all. Love never fails.

Most importantly, it melts away this sickness in my mind.

But with love comes jealousy.

And with jealousy, the sickness returns. Like a stubborn, drug resistant infection. Normally, jealousy has no place in my mind. I'm not delusional, certainly. Or paranoid. I don't have crippling fear of betrayal or loss. I wouldn't be the crazy possessive type...

But when given actual reason to exist, it is more deeply rooted than any emotion I have ever experienced.


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Crowley K. Jarvis
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