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Midnight Musings. 12:00

This is going to be a prologue/a little bit about my strange brain and what I'm going to attempt to accomplish with these blogs. Including the fact that there might be copious amounts of run-ons, comma splices and other grammatical errors that might make you cringe. Bare with me. I'm in self-discovery mode and this is my mind we're talking about here, heh (it's a bit much at times lol).

Before I begin, I just want to say that I've wanted to blog for the longest time. This is such a nice little addition to a forum I've never seen before and I am grateful for it. I feel safe here so now anyone who reads this will painfully endure Ashley's brain and all that she thinks about. :welcoming:


I feel I never express myself in the way I want to and when I try with anyone that I know it never comes out how I want it or no one understands or will even let me just feel the way I want to feel. I think this place is a place where someone will tell me to stop being ridiculous but at the same time will still let me be ridiculous. You just know when someone is judging you and I've not felt this way one bit since being here. I thought it would take me longer to want to do this, but after spending such a short amount time here, I think it's worth it.

This website, this community of writers is so incredibly inspiring to me. It's what I've been craving for the longest time and I wonder why I didn't go searching for something like this sooner. It's like I almost didn't believe it was there. Of course no one is perfect, and no community is perfect but I feel so at home here.

I want these blogs to be a method of figuring out what the hell I truly want in my writing, how I want to be perceived as a writer. I want to be able to share myself without being afraid of what anyone says or thinks of me.

Sometimes absolutely nothing good comes out of me from midnight on. This will be for those moments when my mind constantly spins and spins, throwing me deep into thoughts that sometimes I'd rather not be bothered with. It's a problem I have(and it prevents me from sleeping). I never want to deal with my crap and it hinders me. I need to find ways to mine that crap into gold and make my writing valuable.

I hope that I can wrestle these thoughts and eventually bare my soul. Alright, a little dramatic perhaps. But I need to find some sort of balance with sharing myself, letting myself go, and harnessing whatever potential I have.

I must have potential right? This need, this desire I have to put everything I have inside of me into words on a page or a screen and to let people read it and gain something, anything must amount to something right? Or is it for nothing?

Want to know what terrifies me?

I'm terrified of never being able to write. Yes, I know how to write, but I am so scared of never getting past what claws at my insides and tortures me and forces me to stare at a screen/pen and paper, yet absolutely nothing will come out. I feel like I have so much to give but I stop because I have these crippling moments of uncertainty. I will sit there and cry. Cry until my eyes hurt and my nose feels like it just went through three seasons of the flu.

I know that there has to be people out there that feel this way. I know there are.

So through these midnight musings I hope to gain clarity within myself and my writing and to be okay with anyone seeing it. Hope you come back at 12:01.

Comments

Uncertainty is a big part of my life. When I write vanilla, I worry that somebody will be bored by it. When I force myself to write non-vanilla, I worry somebody will be offended by it.

I've figured out, you just have to put your head down and do what you do. I'll be reading along as you write. :)
 
Good luck! It helps me to write about things. I hope you find that too. Can you make yourself the main character of a story/book? Then you are exploring the main character instead of yourself. Anyway, wishing you the best.
 
I've actually started something like that but it's been a work in progress. It's about a particular time in my life I had, but it's been on the back burner. I'm a writing mess haha.
 
Agreed with TJ. I'm my own worst enemy, so sometimes when I just stop giving a crap, I write more and I write better.
 
Yeah that's usually how it goes. I have to constantly remind myself that I need to stop caring in that way and just do it.
 

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