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Mental development. (Long)

I had never in my life though of myself as one who might frequently make use of a blog of any kind. Hm.

But I also enjoy a good monologue.

As I have no shame in admitting, there was a time in my life where I truly considered if I should even be alive. To the detriment of such thoughts, I ended up reasoning that, all problems aside, I am still better off living.

But, to elaborate on and sort out such past feelings, I'll write them.

I've stated elsewhere that I don't enjoy being young. Every age makes lovely stereotypes about every other age group.

As air-headed as I can be, dancing around in the yard with my music, drawing and writing, I think people underestimate me.

And especially as a young person, I had always felt pitied. As if I inspire maternal instincts, like I was nothing but a small child that needed to be coddled and given bad news with soft, white lies.

I also did not particularly enjoy having no rights until I was 18. We can admit to that, right? Kids have no rights. maybe human rights, but no decisions, no choices. Because they don't know any better.

But I'm getting back on my age thing. Haha.

My point being, add that, the irritation at waiting for time to pass, and my family relationships, and as many in my generation did, I took to a period of depression.

I had a lot of time to think, and of course I chose to stick around.

Now that I'm older and moved out, those problems I thought I had seem like a distant, uncomfortable dream. Hazy, and unreal. Irrational.

Although I'm still terrible at math, I have become much more rational, while I have still maintained my creative side.

I feel as if my mind has four tracks.

One part is optimistic and peppy, one part is cynical and grim. One part is creative, and the other is rational. Being very self aware, I always monitor my state of mind, and those four switches seem to toggle the most.

The more aware of this I became, the harder I tried to change myself to suit that image. Changing, shifting, mysterious. I supposed I wanted to have appeal. It started just for female attention, but before long it was less of a ruse, and more of this delusion that I decidedly adopted.

I chose to keep living. Now, I don't regret it.

Comments

dude it's harder to go on living then to top yourself...youth man wasted on the young....you ask the right questions deep inside and i get the notion the ideas are formulated with so much internal interrogation...four minds/tracks reminds me of the film quadrophenia and just maybe you have alot in common with jimmy..but aside from that you use words with a very dramatic, honest approach that your way of expressing yourself in words will always be a testament to one of your abilities on life's ride.
 
I've heard a lot of what you say before. From the dozens upon dozens of teenagers and young people who hung out at my house rather than go home. Many "older" people think they have to take a young person and try to mold them into a carbon copy of themselves. I'd rather let the kid be and see what they figure out on their own. More times than not that kid will get around to a good decision or a fantastic view of something or other. I was there to answer a question, hand over the dictionary or say what I thought when asked. I absolutely enjoy my young friends to this day. Some are now bringing their children to visit. Another generation. I was recently asked, "what would my Daddy do?" My stock answer? "Go ask him and tell him I said to tell you."
 
I've heard a lot of what you say before. From the dozens upon dozens of teenagers and young people who hung out at my house rather than go home. Many "older" people think they have to take a young person and try to mold them into a carbon copy of themselves. I'd rather let the kid be and see what they figure out on their own. More times than not that kid will get around to a good decision or a fantastic view of something or other. I was there to answer a question, hand over the dictionary or say what I thought when asked. I absolutely enjoy my young friends to this day. Some are now bringing their children to visit. Another generation. I was recently asked, "what would my Daddy do?" My stock answer? "Go ask him and tell him I said to tell you."
 
Anari;bt3901 said:
I've heard a lot of what you say before. From the dozens upon dozens of teenagers and young people who hung out at my house rather than go home. Many "older" people think they have to take a young person and try to mold them into a carbon copy of themselves. I'd rather let the kid be and see what they figure out on their own. More times than not that kid will get around to a good decision or a fantastic view of something or other. I was there to answer a question, hand over the dictionary or say what I thought when asked. I absolutely enjoy my young friends to this day. Some are now bringing their children to visit. Another generation. I was recently asked, "what would my Daddy do?" My stock answer? "Go ask him and tell him I said to tell you."


Sorry. Don't know how that got there twice.
 

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Crowley K. Jarvis
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