But I also enjoy a good monologue.
As I have no shame in admitting, there was a time in my life where I truly considered if I should even be alive. To the detriment of such thoughts, I ended up reasoning that, all problems aside, I am still better off living.
But, to elaborate on and sort out such past feelings, I'll write them.
I've stated elsewhere that I don't enjoy being young. Every age makes lovely stereotypes about every other age group.
As air-headed as I can be, dancing around in the yard with my music, drawing and writing, I think people underestimate me.
And especially as a young person, I had always felt pitied. As if I inspire maternal instincts, like I was nothing but a small child that needed to be coddled and given bad news with soft, white lies.
I also did not particularly enjoy having no rights until I was 18. We can admit to that, right? Kids have no rights. maybe human rights, but no decisions, no choices. Because they don't know any better.
But I'm getting back on my age thing. Haha.
My point being, add that, the irritation at waiting for time to pass, and my family relationships, and as many in my generation did, I took to a period of depression.
I had a lot of time to think, and of course I chose to stick around.
Now that I'm older and moved out, those problems I thought I had seem like a distant, uncomfortable dream. Hazy, and unreal. Irrational.
Although I'm still terrible at math, I have become much more rational, while I have still maintained my creative side.
I feel as if my mind has four tracks.
One part is optimistic and peppy, one part is cynical and grim. One part is creative, and the other is rational. Being very self aware, I always monitor my state of mind, and those four switches seem to toggle the most.
The more aware of this I became, the harder I tried to change myself to suit that image. Changing, shifting, mysterious. I supposed I wanted to have appeal. It started just for female attention, but before long it was less of a ruse, and more of this delusion that I decidedly adopted.
I chose to keep living. Now, I don't regret it.