I'm also angry, maybe a little bit sad. I'm becoming angrier every day. It's more anger at myself for being angry, if that makes sense. Work is better, but I'm having these little nagging moments I experience that completely rock me when they happen. It's like my world is falling apart and I have to out loud talk to myself and tell myself to cut the shit.
"You don't need to cry about this."
"You don't need to worry about this."
"Who cares what this person thinks."
"You didn't say the wrong thing, it's fine."
"Just stop. Get a grip on yourself."
Am I probably acting more butt-hurt than I should? Probably. I'm oversensitive and I can be dramatic. I'm sure it's a combo pack consisting of my natural disposition and my anxiety, but I don't have the time to create a pie chart and figure out which part reigns supreme over my being.
Sometimes I hate where I'm at. Well, more than sometimes. Most of the time I hate what consists of my life. My mentality, my job, my anger, my depression, my anxiety, my friends, the way I talk to people, and the way I overanaylize EVERYTHING.
I know my life isn't horrible. People have it much worse than I do. I just don't understand why I can't shake all this other stuff. Example: One minute I think my friends and I are great, everything is great, we're laughing, blah blah blah. Randomly, something happens. It could be anything, a sudden brake in the car, a sneeze, the way someone said something, a look I gave someone, just a simple feeling, and just like that the mood drops to negative a billion.
Am I over exaggerating? Probably, but I don't know how else to explain it all.
I guess I'm just trying to process through what I've verbally struggled to process over the last few months.
I've had good days, and bad. Right now, I'm restless, but my eyes are tired. I'm angry, yet sad. Do I want to go to work tomorrow? Hell no. Should I sleep? Yes. But then that means tomorrow comes faster.
I just want there to be one day where nothing goes wrong. Maybe that's my problem. Striving for something I know will never exist. Nothing is perfect. If I can learn to embrace all the shitty moments and not let it consume me for hours, or days on end, then I can be happier, most likely.
I think, more than getting my time down to something smaller, is knowing what to do after that time of freaking out about everything is over. I struggle greatly with getting over things. Most of the time it's guilt. Regardless of the situation, I always turn to it being my fault. As if saying that to myself will somehow make me feel better or make the situation understandable. Sometimes it isn't. In hindsight, I know this, but hindsight just doesn't cut the mustard for the daily process I deal with. Every single day I'm blaming myself for something.
Do I feel better after all this? Not better, but I feel a little clearer. One step closer to resolving whatever deep issues I've decided to bury again in my brain. It's like opening my mind's window and letting some of the smoke out because I made cookies and they burnt in the oven, but they're still in the oven baking. The next step would be to go take them out of the oven right? Maybe after some more smoke clears and perhaps I can make that crack in the window a bit bigger next time.