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Life - Restless and Angry. Some language.

I'm restless tonight. Though I'm sure once I lay down and stay away from all my electronics I will fall away to dream land in a nano second.


I'm also angry, maybe a little bit sad. I'm becoming angrier every day. It's more anger at myself for being angry, if that makes sense. Work is better, but I'm having these little nagging moments I experience that completely rock me when they happen. It's like my world is falling apart and I have to out loud talk to myself and tell myself to cut the shit.

"You don't need to cry about this."
"You don't need to worry about this."
"Who cares what this person thinks."
"You didn't say the wrong thing, it's fine."
"Just stop. Get a grip on yourself."

Am I probably acting more butt-hurt than I should? Probably. I'm oversensitive and I can be dramatic. I'm sure it's a combo pack consisting of my natural disposition and my anxiety, but I don't have the time to create a pie chart and figure out which part reigns supreme over my being.

Sometimes I hate where I'm at. Well, more than sometimes. Most of the time I hate what consists of my life. My mentality, my job, my anger, my depression, my anxiety, my friends, the way I talk to people, and the way I overanaylize EVERYTHING.

I know my life isn't horrible. People have it much worse than I do. I just don't understand why I can't shake all this other stuff. Example: One minute I think my friends and I are great, everything is great, we're laughing, blah blah blah. Randomly, something happens. It could be anything, a sudden brake in the car, a sneeze, the way someone said something, a look I gave someone, just a simple feeling, and just like that the mood drops to negative a billion.

Am I over exaggerating? Probably, but I don't know how else to explain it all.

I guess I'm just trying to process through what I've verbally struggled to process over the last few months.

I've had good days, and bad. Right now, I'm restless, but my eyes are tired. I'm angry, yet sad. Do I want to go to work tomorrow? Hell no. Should I sleep? Yes. But then that means tomorrow comes faster.

I just want there to be one day where nothing goes wrong. Maybe that's my problem. Striving for something I know will never exist. Nothing is perfect. If I can learn to embrace all the shitty moments and not let it consume me for hours, or days on end, then I can be happier, most likely.

I think, more than getting my time down to something smaller, is knowing what to do after that time of freaking out about everything is over. I struggle greatly with getting over things. Most of the time it's guilt. Regardless of the situation, I always turn to it being my fault. As if saying that to myself will somehow make me feel better or make the situation understandable. Sometimes it isn't. In hindsight, I know this, but hindsight just doesn't cut the mustard for the daily process I deal with. Every single day I'm blaming myself for something.

Do I feel better after all this? Not better, but I feel a little clearer. One step closer to resolving whatever deep issues I've decided to bury again in my brain. It's like opening my mind's window and letting some of the smoke out because I made cookies and they burnt in the oven, but they're still in the oven baking. The next step would be to go take them out of the oven right? Maybe after some more smoke clears and perhaps I can make that crack in the window a bit bigger next time.

Comments

Sometimes I hate where I'm at. Well, more than sometimes. Most of the time I hate what consists of my life. My mentality, my job, my anger, my depression, my anxiety, my friends, the way I talk to people, and the way I overanaylize EVERYTHING.

I feel you deep to the bones.
I will not provide some sort of solution cause I still don't know how to fix that part of me as well. So I won't. HAHA.
But somehow, as I age and learn from other people, I find it easier to punch myself (hehe.) whenever I get too anxious when I try to convince myself that whatever I do, there will always be things that I can't control. It takes a lot of effort but it's worth a try.
Hugs, hammy! :)
 
Thanks reichelina. And I appreciate the hug.

I do try to tell myself that often,but you're right, it is difficult sometimes to follow through with believing it lol
 
You are in what I call "THE LOOP"...or maybe it feels like you are running on a hamster's wheel.. all of these emotions circling round and round... as soon as you deal with one negative thought, 3 more pop up .. plus the one you thought you had settled...Hammy, anytime we have negative thoughts about our self, it sets us up for failure... which creates MORE negativity... Every time you start on this loop, replace each negative thought with a positive one...If you can't think of any.. ask me, I can think of many.. MANY wonderful ... RARE qualities you have.. LOL... DON'T make me list them.. cause you KNOW I will..... love you bunches.... OH, one more thing... KEEP NEGATIVE PEOPLE AWAY FROM YOU....surround your fabulous self with positive people... your own personal cheer leaders...
 
Firemajic;bt5977 said:
You are in what I call "THE LOOP"...or maybe it feels like you are running on a hamster's wheel.. all of these emotions circling round and round... as soon as you deal with one negative thought, 3 more pop up .. plus the one you thought you had settled...Hammy, anytime we have negative thoughts about our self, it sets us up for failure... which creates MORE negativity... Every time you start on this loop, replace each negative thought with a positive one...If you can't think of any.. ask me, I can think of many.. MANY wonderful ... RARE qualities you have.. LOL... DON'T make me list them.. cause you KNOW I will..... love you bunches.... OH, one more thing... KEEP NEGATIVE PEOPLE AWAY FROM YOU....surround your fabulous self with positive people... your own personal cheer leaders...

You explained it perfectly. I have nothing better to say to add to it. Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond Julia <3 It means a lot to me. Love you bunches too

And don't worry, I'm trying to stay away from those negative people.
 
time has passed and it can or may not make a difference to where you are today..how you feel,your outlook..i'm sure you want to break free from all this and just wake and get on with it..well you can and you might find the answer,you can read,listen and follow all the advise in the world but you have to wake up and look in the mirror and see the same face..the answer is in you alone,somewhere deep inside of you is the ability to heal you..some find it and some spend a lifetime looking for it but there is only one you and you are it.....it's your world,your life everyone else is an onlooker..share your thoughts and air your views and one day you might find that inner peace...INNER
 

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