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Life - Bits of where I'm at right now.

Feels like it's been forever since I made a blog post.

Every time I sit down to write one, I always get distracted or just lose my motivation to get my thoughts out. There are so many things I want to talk about, but I will only touch on two topics.

First topic is food, and my weight. PiP has recently talked and blogged about her own struggle, so I've been motivated to talk a little bit about mine. I've wanted to talk about it, but would always shy away every time I tried to write it out. So thanks for the extra motivation PiP.

Since mid-march, I've decided to turn around my eating habits and cut a bunch of crap out of my diet that I don't need. The biggest issues I had were my sodium, saturated fat, sugar, and caffeine levels. I'd consume an average of 3000 mg of sodium in a given day. That's 21,000 mg a week. That's 84,000 mg a month. That's absolutely disgusting. I can't eve begin to calculate how much saturated fat I was consuming. A lot of it came from eating sweets and eating cheese. I had cheese almost every day. It would actually start to make my breathe smell after while. The amount of fast food I had was unreal as well. I honestly should have been much heavier than I was.

I needed to make a change. I struggled with acid reflux, heart burn, headaches, I wasn't sleeping well, my energy levels sucked, going up a flight of stairs was mortifying and embarrassing, and it didn't help my knee (which has loose cartilage in it). So in mid March I started to eat better. I cut my saturated fat down to 11-13g in a single day, and I try to stay under 1300mg of sodium in a day as well.

About a year and a half ago I had a 3-session package with a nutritionist and she recommended the sat. fat to me and talked about my sugar and protein levels. As far as sugar goes, I cut out sweets and I stay away from specialty coffee drinks (ie. Frappucinos, tea drinks with simple syrups, etc). Once in awhile I will have some chocolate, or cookies, or something to satisfy my sweet tooth, but it's not every day anymore. I also designate a treat day and that's usually when I will drink or eat something that goes outside of my every day diet, although I still watch my sodium and my saturated fat. I'm still working on the other stuff and figuring out my sugar and protein levels, but so far what I've been doing has been working. I don't really eat processed foods anymore. I buy fresh groceries every couple of days and cook more than I ever did in college. It's paid off.

Sure, I have my moments where I eat more than I should, and I've had my slip ups, but they happen. And it's okay if they happen. You just have to keep moving forward.

The first two weeks were really hard. My body was not happy. I cried a lot and I had intense mood swings. I also got this weird bug in the first week of being a diet, so it wasn't a fun time.

So far I've lost 8 pounds. I've started to incorporate walking, as I really can't do anything else because of my knee. Once I get that sorted out I can start exercising like I used to.

The second thing that I want to touch on is my anxiety. It's been good in some ways, but horrible in others. I've had some major panic attacks in the last couple of months and I've gone through this whole stage in my life where everything makes me cry.

I had a particular situation I was in about a week ago that kind of jolted me out of my funk a bit. I've still been off and on with crying, but it made me realize more than ever that I need to get out of this hole that I constantly find myself in. It had gotten to the point where I was starting to misinterpret a lot of what was being said to me and projecting certain things from my past into recent situations, particularly this one.

It's toxic, the way that I've been and it's not healthy and I want it to stop. It's really hard to express myself when I'm feeling emotional in the moment and usually I can never get across what I want to. I also must confess that I haven't really been writing at all and that's not good. I used to write about my feelings all the time and just kind of lost that. I'm trying to get back into it all, but there are certain things in my life that I need to sort out. It's just going to take time. After that situation happened, later that day I wrote out my feelings and shared it with the other person involved. Man did it feel good to get it out, and it felt good to know that it made sense. So this is my next attempt at getting back into it and the cathartic ways of writing that I love so much.

This is a little all over the place, but I usually am when I blog, haha. I'm hoping to be more consistent with this and post some more nuggets of my life, as there are many things that currently plague my 25 year old self. It's another thing that bothers me. I'm too young for these particular issues I'm having, so I'm making moves to move past it all and become a better me. I've lived for a quarter of a century already. I need to make my mark in this world 'cause I ain't gettin' any younger!


It's good to consciously realize a problem, rather then ignore it.

If I may share some advice? Some from experience, from mental health experts, and my father.

Humans are creatures of habit. We do the same things, and our brain automatically records this and strengthens it. The body thus develops many addictions, of which we are often unaware of, until the habit slips and our body goes: "WHAT THE HELL, I NEED THAT!"

Myself, I know I'm addicted to caffeine, (Cups of coffee since I was eight, now Red Bull and NOS,) Nicotine, and unhealthy food and sugar.

Also, I'm grumpy to begin with. You wouldn't know from online, but I was the most angry person until recently. Now, I have to take something for it.

So, if I slip on one of my habits, forget my pill, or forget to eat, I get pretty grumpy again. I will get emotional, mad, and rave like I'm smarter than Einstein with my middle fingers to the world. Then, I do whatever is it, and I feel absolutely FINE again.

During those times when your body causes those delightful brain reactions, something that has helped me is simply being self-aware.

I monitor my mood. Hourly ususally. Then, if I suddenly have a mood swing, or a down day, week, or month, I can figure it out. Then, I can consciously say, 'I know I'm only upset because of (Blank), so I shouldn't be upset.'Basically, 'I won't let my body control my mind.' When I'm aware of the cause, it makes it easier to step outside of myself, and take myself less seriously.

At least, that's what works for me. I guess it's a mental trick. Once I know WHY I'm angry, I can say I don't really have a good reason to be angry.Then it's a hell of a lot easier to PROPERLY express those emotions, then, gloriously, LET THEM GO! Which of course, everyone has a different outlet for emotion. Just make sure it's a healthy one.Writing is excellent as long as it's not bitter emails! Hahaha. Humor helps too.

I try never to take myself too seriously, it helps me let go of those stupid emotions. Most men are indeed problem solvers, but I've always been more emotional. I often quabbled with my father because of that reason. I do the exact same thing. I misinterpret others, and swear they have a problem with me, and find out it's only in my head.

Sorry for the long post, but I read your words and saw some of the same problems that I had, and thought I'd share how I deal with it. Best of luck to you.

People in MUUUUCH worse shape have won the fight. At least you're not on that crack rock yet. Keep it up! Joo can doo eet. :D
I think you write about some universal themes that many of us can relate too. This was a great blog entry. If you wrote more, I'd read what you post. You have a very nice writing style that is clear.

I can list my own "issues" that I manage every day, as well. It is possible to make a change and stay committed to it, but damn it, it isn't easy. One thing I can recommend is make a simple routine or ritual and stick to it. For example, every day after dinner I walk as my form of exercise, me-time, mediative time- whatever. I can be very hormonal or imbalanced at the tip of the hat, so this ritual or routine helps me to keep myself from being too neurotic.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Weight loss is a bitch. I lost 60 pounds after my second pregnacy and I am keeping it off by the exercise and avoiding many types of fatty food, caffeine, alcohol, and too much diary.
I'm glad you are addressing your diet at an early age. I wish I had done so in my youth. For me it was fats, mainly Fried Chicken and Pizza. Anyway, a year and a half ago, I had an embolism. Now at 53, I'm taking several pills a day, and have to eat a practically salt free diet. You don't know how hard it is to find enough food that doesn't go over 1500 mg of sodium (The USDA requirements are 2300; the doc thinks that's too much for me).

Anyway, what I'm saying is the better you take care of yourself now, the better you'll feel when you're older.

So keep doing what you're doing. You know we always have your back :smile2:
Crowley - Thanks for the read and the encouragement! Sometimes the hardest thing for me with monitoring my mood is sometimes I don't realize when it switches until the emotional reaction occurs. I've been trying this new thing when I hear stuff that might set me off in any way, I just don't say anything back. My natural instinct is to immediately jump to conclusions and say whats on my mind. I'm working on finding the balance and trying to calm down emotionally so I can be a smidge more logical in those moments that I have.

tinacrapapple - Thank you so much. That's incredibly encouraging to hear that you would read more of what I wrote. Half the time I'm always worried no one will read what I have to say and won't find it engaging so thank you for that. I'm glad that it translates well. That's all I want really, to have people understand what I'm saying even if they always can't relate to it. You'll definitely be seeing more posts from me! Yeah, smaller is definitely better. There are certain aspects about my life where I've tried to go bigger and it works, but for these particular aspects, I have to start small. It sucks, and you're right it definitely isn't easy but I am starting to slowly see results. Thank you for reading ^_^

mustard - I had a particular person I've become close to help jolt me into the process. It does become easier when you have someone rooting for you. I've always been criticized for my weight growing up by a particular family member, so to have someone outside of my family accept me and help push me in a positive way has helped tremendously and I couldn't have done what I have so far without them. Thanks for reading musty and honestly, it's still better late than never to start. And it's incredibly difficult to find stuff with less sodium. It can become depressing really fast, but I kept searching for stuff and I have found food products that are still yummy, still satisfy me and stays within my restrictions I've created for myself. Just takes perseverance and dedication, two things I'm learning about every single day. It's a battle that I'm going to win.
I'm really sorry to hear you were criticized for your weight, especially by your own family. We share a lot in common; anxiety, taking things personally, etc. It's nice to be able to relate. Good luck with your new diet, sounds like you are doing well!
Smith - Thank you =) It's nice to see you around again. I agree that we definitely have similarities with one another. It's nice to have fellow spirits to be kindred with. Thanks for the wishes! =) Glad to have you back!

escorial - It indeed is a journey. I try my best to stay safe as well. But I try not to live in too much fear, because if I do then I won't be able to experience life. So just enough safety with a bit of adventure!
Hey am_hammy,

Thanks so much for sharing! The great thing about opening up is it helps you and others who share the same issues (or similar). Not easy talking about anything that makes us sound less than perfect so hats off to you. I was in my 30s before I gave any thought to eating healthy. It is something I have to focus on to make happen. Ugh. I can't count the number of times I've wished that I was one of these people who eats when they are hungry and not just to be eating.

Anyway, so glad you are here!
Well done on losing 8lbs! That's a great result :) Staying focused is SO difficult and it's surprising how many times 'food thoughts' forces their way to the forefront of our mind.

As for anxiety, I think quite a few of us suffer with this at some point in our lives and we gradually learn to manage it. You are such a wonderful positive person, Hammy, I would never have guessed how much you are struggling. When I get anxious about something I usually give myself a good talking to which more often than not end with the words: Shit happens. Onwards, H... onwards. :)

Or the prayer...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to recognise the difference.

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