Lately I've been feeling very depressed. I find I have no words to really even talk about it like I want to. It even depresses me thinking how depressed I am. That's ridiculous. I'm tired of always being emotional. I'm tired of my anger and how it imposes upon situations in my life. I'm tired of stuff always bothering me so deeply.
I analyze and think too much for my own good. I also care too much of what others think of me, wondering if they like me, if I did something right, or if they even value me as a person.
It drives me fucking crazy. Because then, I just assume no one likes me, they only pretend... but I know that's not true. But shit, when I feel like it's true, it's really difficult to tell myself that it's not true. I'm my own worst enemy.
When you feel like you are worthless, everything you do feels worthless, then you stop trying to do those things because you start to think "what's the point?"
Wow, my self confidence sucks. I'm a horrible self motivator and I always beat myself up if something goes wrong. Even if it's not my fault, I still feel like it's my fault. Nine times out of ten, my emotions outweigh my logic. I fight for clarity all the time. I fight wanting to sleep all day or drink away my problems.
To be clear, I do drink occasionally when I'm already in high spirits, but when I'm like this... the urge to drown in my sorrows with liquor is strong. I wouldn't say I'm an addict, but I went through a phase in college and I turned to alcohol for support. Then I stopped for about two and a half years. I was in a better place at that point and I incorporated occasional drinking into my life again.
I still don't like when my thoughts turn to it. Last year I started to experience anxiety again and depression and I partied and didn't take care of myself. I ended up getting into a car accident on my birthday, sank into a deeper depression and blacked out all the time from drinking too much. I started to get severe headaches again and my body started to shut down on me. I was running away from life again and I had to stop.
I could elaborate more, but it's a story for another time. There's so much I have to say about my life. It's exhausting, trying to work through it all and put words to it. I'm only just touching the surface.
It's all a chain reaction for me. One circumstance will occur and I'm suddenly ripped into hundreds of directions and my thoughts go to some of the darkest times in my life and I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand. It all goes away after awhile, after my moments have subsided. I just wish it would come in a soft drizzle, not a massive storm every time.
Again, there's still so much more I could say, but this is enough for now. Forgive the choppy nature.
Even with all of that said and where I am now and how stuck I feel sometimes, I know that I will be okay. There are people who love me, who support me, who want to see me succeed and who will stick by me and have stuck by me through all the shit. I look back on these moments I have and I realize that no matter how ugly those days are, there is beauty that comes out of it. I just have to remind myself that I will have those beautiful days. They will come and it will be okay.
It will be okay.