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Life - Bits of depression and everything that follows (some language)

This is a bit of a vent. I'd also like to say that I am okay right now, but I still need to get stuff out. Get it out so I can move past it all and actually live life like I'm supposed to. I want to share because it helps me and I hope it helps others in some small way. It's jumbled, messy, and I hop around to different moments but it helps. There are plenty of gaps I will leave to be filled, but it's something for now at least.

Lately I've been feeling very depressed. I find I have no words to really even talk about it like I want to. It even depresses me thinking how depressed I am. That's ridiculous. I'm tired of always being emotional. I'm tired of my anger and how it imposes upon situations in my life. I'm tired of stuff always bothering me so deeply.

I analyze and think too much for my own good. I also care too much of what others think of me, wondering if they like me, if I did something right, or if they even value me as a person.

It drives me fucking crazy. Because then, I just assume no one likes me, they only pretend... but I know that's not true. But shit, when I feel like it's true, it's really difficult to tell myself that it's not true. I'm my own worst enemy.

When you feel like you are worthless, everything you do feels worthless, then you stop trying to do those things because you start to think "what's the point?"

Wow, my self confidence sucks. I'm a horrible self motivator and I always beat myself up if something goes wrong. Even if it's not my fault, I still feel like it's my fault. Nine times out of ten, my emotions outweigh my logic. I fight for clarity all the time. I fight wanting to sleep all day or drink away my problems.

To be clear, I do drink occasionally when I'm already in high spirits, but when I'm like this... the urge to drown in my sorrows with liquor is strong. I wouldn't say I'm an addict, but I went through a phase in college and I turned to alcohol for support. Then I stopped for about two and a half years. I was in a better place at that point and I incorporated occasional drinking into my life again.

I still don't like when my thoughts turn to it. Last year I started to experience anxiety again and depression and I partied and didn't take care of myself. I ended up getting into a car accident on my birthday, sank into a deeper depression and blacked out all the time from drinking too much. I started to get severe headaches again and my body started to shut down on me. I was running away from life again and I had to stop.

I could elaborate more, but it's a story for another time. There's so much I have to say about my life. It's exhausting, trying to work through it all and put words to it. I'm only just touching the surface.

It's all a chain reaction for me. One circumstance will occur and I'm suddenly ripped into hundreds of directions and my thoughts go to some of the darkest times in my life and I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand. It all goes away after awhile, after my moments have subsided. I just wish it would come in a soft drizzle, not a massive storm every time.

Again, there's still so much more I could say, but this is enough for now. Forgive the choppy nature.

Even with all of that said and where I am now and how stuck I feel sometimes, I know that I will be okay. There are people who love me, who support me, who want to see me succeed and who will stick by me and have stuck by me through all the shit. I look back on these moments I have and I realize that no matter how ugly those days are, there is beauty that comes out of it. I just have to remind myself that I will have those beautiful days. They will come and it will be okay.

It will be okay.

Comments

I hope you can now take a step towards some kind of support. You seem extremely aware, so I hope you can use this to your benefit.
 
Well, Hams, I don't know what your life is out there in the real world, but you have to know you're loved here. Heck, you're a content manager. You wouldn't be there if you weren't popular to begin with.

Anyway, I have my self doubts too. It's very normal, actually. I'm not going to tell you to buck up, buttercup, because it doesn't work that way. But do know that you have a lot of friends here, okay? :smile2:

(And if you're really feeling blue, you can always drop me a line. You know my PM address :smile2:)
 
There's a lot of me in there hammy.
I don't know a soul outside of work.
I hate the world for rejecting me.
How do i know that they reject me?
Well, they couldn't possibly like me.
Could they?
Wheels within wheels.

Life eh?

Good luck with your's.
 
life's a journey and finding your place in it..ain't easy....some people never fit in and time goes so fast....main thing is to stay safe...
 
Thanks to all of you for responding and reading. I'm just glad there are people around that listen to me. It's nice to have this place to lean on it. I've been blessed by WF in many ways.
 
Hammy, for a long time my worst enemy has been myself. Some guy making trouble for me? I'll knock the crap out of him and he stops. Somebody getting in my face in one of my games? Well, I mostly play shoot'em games, so that's an easy solve. My own insecurities and doubts? That's not an easy one to beat.

I tried booze for a while, and that bottle may talk like your friend, but it doesn't give a rosy red rat's ass about you. The bliss I felt when smashed, it disappeared when I discovered the things I did while drunk. The things alcohol did. See, I wouldn't do some things that I did drunk, but I still had to deal with the repercussions afterwards sober.

There are people who can talk through your problems with you. Talk to your doctor about 'em. Seriously, I've gotten to a place in my life where the "embarrassment" of talking to my doc about depression is less than the embarrassment I'd feel going through a trial for having chopped half a dozen people into tiny pieces because I'd had enough of their shit. There's no shame in needing help. There is shame in knowing you need help, but letting foolish pride or peer pressure keep you from finding it. You can believe me on that one. ;)
 
Take life one day at a time, deploying the humour and kindness, you share so generously here on the forums. Find one thing each day, that either makes you laugh, smile, or just pause for a moment. Life is a about the journey, not the destination and everyone has stretches of South Dakota...(endless beige unto the end of nowhere). But if you are patient and persistent, you will discover amazing things, strengths you didn't think you had.

Talking about it takes more courage than a lot of folks have, yet here you are! As individuals, we are prone to being our own worst enemies, but we are also our own greatest advocates. Acknowledging that fact is half the battle, breaking the cycle is the second half and you've done that. Keep it broken, keep writing and know that folks around here are listening.
 
I can really relate to a lot of what you said. Glad you are staying strong. If you need somebody to talk to, you'll never have to worry about me pretending to like you. ;)
 
TJ, Darkkin, and Smith -I appreciate all of your words. I don't many words in response other than thank you for taking the time to read and respond. It truly means a lot to read those words and gain encouragement from them and go through them again as a reminder that I'm not alone.
 
Hammy darlin', don't get caught in that insidious loop... shut that inner freak up and don't fall for those lies we tell ourselves... Take your life one day at a time, you are loved, and cherished...that is YOUR TRUTH... love ya bunches...
 

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