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Life - Bits and Snippets

So I'm on my fancy iMac at the moment. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. It's quite foreign to me as I've been a PC user forever and a day. I still have my Sony, but man this is nice to sit at a desktop computer and I've always loved mac keyboards. There's a wonderful feeling to the keys and how they feel and sound when you press down on them.


Just wanted to shout out some thoughts into the WF community. I've been quiet on here for awhile now. Behind the scenes I'm a bit more active but out in the public, I've been scarce. I feel like I've not had much to say or write or create. Which is sad, because my life issues have so consumed me, it's like I have no time for anything.

I did draw something last night and I wrote a little poem in work today though to go with the picture. It's not much but it was nice. I edited some photos last night from a vacation I took in July, and that felt really good.

I'm sure this post seems a little scattered, but that's alright. It's just my thoughts and they are never quite polished and there's nothing wrong with that.

I know my last post was all depressive and stuff, but mentally I'm a little better than what I was at the time. Work still sucks, which I might elaborate on in a later blog post, friend stuff has had it's ups and downs, my current mental state is still shot, BUT I'm in a zone of self reflection. When I went to Colorado last week I experienced some frustrations while I was there but I also experienced something else: peace. Like true, quiet, thoughtful, moving, spiritual peace. The biggest concentration of it was being at the top of Pike's Peak in Colorado Springs, Manitou Springs to be exact. Other than the few people snapping some shots and some distant voices, it was so freaking quiet up there. Over 14,000 feet above sea level, crisp and cold 35 degrees (Fahrenheit) and so so quiet. I cried.

It was the most in tune with myself I've felt in a very long time. Through all the traveling, and the site seeing and the occasional tiff between my traveling buddies and I, it leveled everything for me.

Since then I've been in this thought process of what I'm going to do to make myself better. After years of fighting it, and thinking I didn't need to, I'm going to finally start talking to someone so I can get through these barriers I've created for myself. I'm tired of not being the best me, I'm tired of letting my anxiety take control of me, I'm tired of letting my anxiety and stress effect others around me and my relationships with them, with my daily activities and doing the things I love most.

So while my journey will be long, and it will be hard, I'm ready to start. I know at some point again, whether it be tomorrow or the next or even a month from now I'm going to be in an awful mental state because of something, but I know I'm working towards obtaining tools to help me overcome those moments and days. Eventually, it will become second nature and I will be able to control my anxiety and take control of my mind again, strive towards who I want to be and discover who I am ultimately.

I'll tell you what though, it feels good to have some relief from my emotions. I know it won't last long but I'm preparing myself and taking steps for that day when I won't even think about saying "It won't last long" because it will simply last and I won't be in fear of losing it.

Yes indeed, one day at a time friends. One day at a time.

Comments

When visiting my aunt in Denver last Christmas, I know what you mean about the peace and quiet. Colorado is a beautiful state; when we went up to Echo Lake, I don't think I have ever, in my entire life, experienced that kind of silence.

Eventually some hikers appeared across the lake, and while you couldn't make out what they were saying, you could hear them very clearly.

I don't think I've ever breathed air that felt so crisp and clean, or drank water so cold and pure for that matter (besides that awesome Fiji or Smartwater stuff).

Keep on going ams! Like my hero Jim Adkins said, everybody is a work-in-progress, and that's the best we can do.
 
Oh man, Kyle, there is nothing like the air over there. It fills your lungs and clears your minds. And it's true, you can hear everything. Even your thoughts seem loud. But the greatest thing of all, was the fact that I had no thoughts other than how beautiful it was. My mind was empty in the fullest way it could have possibly been. It was amazing and I'm so glad you've experienced that same kind of awesome silence. I hope everyone can get a chance to experience it! You keep it up too bud!
 
when your brain is in a state of confusion and so many things seem to be guided by self-introspection, it's not easy to focus on the future and build on it. Wanting to get away from yourself and enjoy the feeling of not being you. Losing yourself in the pursuit of things you enjoy, just seems to add to the list of things you want or can't do and feeling trapped is never a good place to be but the mind is judge and juror and one can feel like a bystander while your life is played out. If you went the doctors today and he told you that your time was limited you would be forced to accept the future as a place you don't want to visit or maybe except your fate..but today you have a destiny and there is nobody who will find the meaning of your destiny except you and i think you realise that only you can heal you and it's a lonely journey but what you have is life and time, so keep focused and stay safe.
 
I really wish you would have taken some pics... The Peak sounds awesome and there's definitely something fulfilling in nature.

I hope u find your way, hammy. Then kick it's ass for taking so long...
 

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