Just wanted to shout out some thoughts into the WF community. I've been quiet on here for awhile now. Behind the scenes I'm a bit more active but out in the public, I've been scarce. I feel like I've not had much to say or write or create. Which is sad, because my life issues have so consumed me, it's like I have no time for anything.
I did draw something last night and I wrote a little poem in work today though to go with the picture. It's not much but it was nice. I edited some photos last night from a vacation I took in July, and that felt really good.
I'm sure this post seems a little scattered, but that's alright. It's just my thoughts and they are never quite polished and there's nothing wrong with that.
I know my last post was all depressive and stuff, but mentally I'm a little better than what I was at the time. Work still sucks, which I might elaborate on in a later blog post, friend stuff has had it's ups and downs, my current mental state is still shot, BUT I'm in a zone of self reflection. When I went to Colorado last week I experienced some frustrations while I was there but I also experienced something else: peace. Like true, quiet, thoughtful, moving, spiritual peace. The biggest concentration of it was being at the top of Pike's Peak in Colorado Springs, Manitou Springs to be exact. Other than the few people snapping some shots and some distant voices, it was so freaking quiet up there. Over 14,000 feet above sea level, crisp and cold 35 degrees (Fahrenheit) and so so quiet. I cried.
It was the most in tune with myself I've felt in a very long time. Through all the traveling, and the site seeing and the occasional tiff between my traveling buddies and I, it leveled everything for me.
Since then I've been in this thought process of what I'm going to do to make myself better. After years of fighting it, and thinking I didn't need to, I'm going to finally start talking to someone so I can get through these barriers I've created for myself. I'm tired of not being the best me, I'm tired of letting my anxiety take control of me, I'm tired of letting my anxiety and stress effect others around me and my relationships with them, with my daily activities and doing the things I love most.
So while my journey will be long, and it will be hard, I'm ready to start. I know at some point again, whether it be tomorrow or the next or even a month from now I'm going to be in an awful mental state because of something, but I know I'm working towards obtaining tools to help me overcome those moments and days. Eventually, it will become second nature and I will be able to control my anxiety and take control of my mind again, strive towards who I want to be and discover who I am ultimately.
I'll tell you what though, it feels good to have some relief from my emotions. I know it won't last long but I'm preparing myself and taking steps for that day when I won't even think about saying "It won't last long" because it will simply last and I won't be in fear of losing it.
Yes indeed, one day at a time friends. One day at a time.