hi all. back again with another installment. I get out of work early on Fridays – 11 am – which makes up some for the four, 10-hour days prior. today was somewhat difficult for me.
I tend to be really bad at processing anger. I repress and ignore it until I blow up at something or (unfortunately) someone. I’ve grown more adept at releasing it safely through sublimation techniques (ie playing a game where I release some of that tension) but it can happen when i don't have access to coping tools.
that all goes to say that something about today set me off. anger is one emotion I shy away from, being so reminiscent of how my parents often taught me. my upbringing was brought about by anger and repression rather than care and love. as such, anger has never been attractive to me.
but today I…just got angry. I was being juggled around from project to project, asking questions and receiving hopelessly circuitous answers, feeling exhausted from the exertion of writing copy all week. perhaps, in fact, it was my mother texting me today.
regardless of the cause, I let it out. it’s never a proud moment for me after the fact, but I can also judge now that it was useful. I didn’t blow up on the people who were stonewalling me or shifting my projects, but I expressed my thoughts to a coworker who has had similar problems. despite this, I still felt regret at the outburst.
that’s what I’m working on, though. being more okay at expressing myself to others, even when it’s anger. because none of us are without anger. we all feel it some time or another; we all have to deal with it. and sometimes, I won’t have my healthier outlets nearby.
now, this is not to say I want to throw my anger at others and let them deal with it. that’s doing what my parents did. i have grown past that. but what I am saying is it’s okay, occasionally, to express your feelings – especially when you express them to someone who is sharing theirs with you. this is what we might call symbiosis. (or a relationship for those more normal types reading).
I’m working on accepting the symbiosis of society. we are each other’s counselors, teachers, patients, and students all the time. when we slip into one role and out of another is sometimes imperceptible, but we are all and one.
that’s today, thanks for stopping by. I’ll send you off with a picture and a poem, let me know what you think.
seems even the clouds
celebrate valentine’s day
dressed in pink billows
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