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letting it out

(edit: this is from 2.14.20, took a while to figure out how to publish).

hi all. back again with another installment. I get out of work early on Fridays – 11 am – which makes up some for the four, 10-hour days prior. today was somewhat difficult for me.

I tend to be really bad at processing anger. I repress and ignore it until I blow up at something or (unfortunately) someone. I’ve grown more adept at releasing it safely through sublimation techniques (ie playing a game where I release some of that tension) but it can happen when i don't have access to coping tools.

that all goes to say that something about today set me off. anger is one emotion I shy away from, being so reminiscent of how my parents often taught me. my upbringing was brought about by anger and repression rather than care and love. as such, anger has never been attractive to me.

but today I…just got angry. I was being juggled around from project to project, asking questions and receiving hopelessly circuitous answers, feeling exhausted from the exertion of writing copy all week. perhaps, in fact, it was my mother texting me today.

regardless of the cause, I let it out. it’s never a proud moment for me after the fact, but I can also judge now that it was useful. I didn’t blow up on the people who were stonewalling me or shifting my projects, but I expressed my thoughts to a coworker who has had similar problems. despite this, I still felt regret at the outburst.

that’s what I’m working on, though. being more okay at expressing myself to others, even when it’s anger. because none of us are without anger. we all feel it some time or another; we all have to deal with it. and sometimes, I won’t have my healthier outlets nearby.

now, this is not to say I want to throw my anger at others and let them deal with it. that’s doing what my parents did. i have grown past that. but what I am saying is it’s okay, occasionally, to express your feelings – especially when you express them to someone who is sharing theirs with you. this is what we might call symbiosis. (or a relationship for those more normal types reading).

I’m working on accepting the symbiosis of society. we are each other’s counselors, teachers, patients, and students all the time. when we slip into one role and out of another is sometimes imperceptible, but we are all and one.

that’s today, thanks for stopping by. I’ll send you off with a picture and a poem, let me know what you think.

seems even the clouds
celebrate valentine’s day
dressed in pink billows

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Comments

I'm the same way. It's taken me a long time to learn to be pro-active about how I'm feeling.

There's so much to unpack here. This is really a thought-provoking blog post, truly.

I don't want to hijack it, but I will say that when I realized I couldn't keep blowing up on everything and everyone, I turned it in on myself. I think that was a major factor that led to depression.

Which just further serves your point that finding an outlet - carefully venting, playing a video game, or *exercise* - is absolutely necessary, because we've established what the alternatives are. It either is unleashed upon somebody else, and / or you become self-destructive.

Unless you think you're just never going to be angry. If somebody achieves that and never feels anger, then more power to them I guess.

Let me tell you. The conversation I had with the property manager about some shelves that broke in our fridge went a lot better since I got out all of my viciousness and snarkyness before hand.
 
I’m glad it was thought provoking! Letting it out, bit by bit, seems to work wonders. I still have to find that Seven Samurai scene…it’s been my main source of inspiration for doing this work. Glad to hear you got that anger out before the discussion, and that you didn’t turn it inwards again. There are many scars people hide within themselves from repressed emotions, and that can be just as unhealthy as expressing everything.
hope you’re doing well with your work and that you are slowly figuring out healthy and safe ways to address your anger. Thanks for stopping by as usual


Smith;bt15206 said:
I'm the same way. It's taken me a long time to learn to be pro-active about how I'm feeling.

There's so much to unpack here. This is really a thought-provoking blog post, truly.

I don't want to hijack it, but I will say that when I realized I couldn't keep blowing up on everything and everyone, I turned it in on myself. I think that was a major factor that led to depression.

Which just further serves your point that finding an outlet - carefully venting, playing a video game, or *exercise* - is absolutely necessary, because we've established what the alternatives are. It either is unleashed upon somebody else, and / or you become self-destructive.

Unless you think you're just never going to be angry. If somebody achieves that and never feels anger, then more power to them I guess.

Let me tell you. The conversation I had with the property manager about some shelves that broke in our fridge went a lot better since I got out all of my viciousness and snarkyness before hand.
 

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Greyson
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