I started the day by spending two hours thoroughly researching the problem. Two things stood out straight away– it can only get in via the eyes, nose or mouth, and alcohol hand wash kills it. I’m a bright lad and put two and two together very quickly. I immediately instigated a strict regime of a neat vodka mouthwash every ½ hour. Admittedly the vodka snort proved a bit messy, so I’ve just gone for cling filming my nose. Eating’s a bit noisy, but we all have to make sacrifices.
Having put in place a logical protective regime, I turned my mind to the problem of supplies. As it happens our garden is over-run by Magpies. I quickly deduced that a bird with a name incorporating “pie” has obviously been a major food source at some point in history. They’re scavengers, so I put a joint we had in the fridge in the middle of the lawn and settled down at the kitchen window with my trusty air rifle. Those fat grey birds, that make a cooing noise, kept getting in the way but eventually I saw the tell-tale flash of colour and let fly.
It’s unfortunate that our puppy is black and white and, in truth, I probably should have waited a bit longer for the effects of the vodka eyebath to subside. Anyway the vet says its only a nick and he’ll be fine in a week or two.
I’m very fortunate in having a hugely supportive partner. Shortly after we got back from the vet, she set up the blow- up bed in the shed for me. She said she’d slide food under the door periodically. To be honest, pizza had come to mind but the soup in the paella dish was nice, if a bit chilly. Clearly it had been handled, so I upped the mouthwash frequency.
Like many of us, I’ve been hugely impressed by the wonderful communal sing songs in Italy and Spain. It occurred to me that us reserved Brits just need somebody with the communal spirit and, let’s face it, raw guts, to be the first. It was beautiful moonlit night, so I stepped into the garden and launched into O Sole Mio. I don’t speak Italian so just went with “Just one Cornetto” being sure most people would know those words better. Alas ours is not a community minded suburb. A few dogs joined in and I thought I heard one man, but he was way out of tune and, frankly, shouting the words.
Day two has not gone so well. Despite my best efforts I seem to have caught it. My throat is on fire, mouth utterly devoid of saliva and the high fever is making my head throb miserably. My wife slid a saucer of tea under the door this morning and told me the police were here asking about a disturbance last night. Apparently, she’d slept through the shouty man, so I told her all about it.
I’m now in the back of a police car. Our first responders are just marvellous. Despite the clear risk to themselves of having a highly infectious person in the back they are rushing me to an isolation facility.
Apparently, this place has many bars, so I’m not really sure how that’s going to work. I’ll keep you informed.