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In the deep night...

Darkness draws another close,
not feeling loved, again I froze.
Day to night in dreams retreat,
tears are shed in pale moonlight.

Time's suspended as shadows shift
and from my cheeks the truth will lift.
Whispered thoughts break, against
solitude's tortured kiss.

As bells toll twelve across the night,
I burry my soul with such tight might.
My mind flying across silver fields,
blocks out reality as pain yields.

Comments

1. Cut "as" from the second line and add a comma. End it with a period.

2. Solitude's. Can't personify without the apostrophe.

3. EVERY line ending with a comma is distacting from the pacing of the poem.

All that aside it's fucking beautiful.
 
This is such a good poem. The disconnection between the author and reality are contrasted by the reality of the setting; there is a clear presence and the poem ends in a climax IMO.

One last thing: instead of "cheeks," "lips" would add more emotion into the line and add more emphasis on the whole 'whisper/kiss' thing you have going on.
 
Inagree with the change to lips rhythm, also I have posted this poem in the poets open forum to get more reviews and have made some changes there, would be greatful for imput if you can. :)
 

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Author
H.Brown
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