In a Pigs Eye
My name is Thaddeus P. Cornsuckle, I‘m one of the pigs in that old chestnut of a story “The Three Little Pigs”. I’ve been called the smart one, the pig who made his house out of brick; the other two were my idiot brother and sister who barely knew how to tie their own piggy shoes, let alone outwit the Big Bad Wolf, the notorious villain who was terrorizing the fairylands.
There are many different versions of what happened during that troubled time. Most of them are exaggerations, malicious lies, fabrications and reckless reporting. I’m here to set the story straight. Now I’m going to start from the beginning. I assure you the events and happenings that I speak of are the true facts, no embellishments to amuse the wicked child that lies within us all.
Our mother was a bitch of a sow and one of loose morals; she threw me and my siblings out on the streets to fend for ourselves when we were still wee little piglets. She told us there was no room in the pig pen for three little piglets to run around in, that we needed to seek and find our own fortunes. She gave us what little money she had saved and told us to be on our way.
Now this might seem quite cruel to those reading this account. How could a mother throw her little piglets out in the world to look after themselves without any parental guidance?
My mother was a pig prostitute. Many of her clients were powerful and connected members of the pig community. Like any good prostitute she kept a little black book, with names and notations of the secrets told while under the sheets. My mother was part of a “Stable” of pleasure workers. Each week they reported to their pimp and divulged the names and pillow secrets of their clients.
Their pimp was a powerful crime capo of the Wolverine Syndicate. He was known as “Felix the Fox.” He ran the gambling and prostitution parlors for the syndicate. He was a demanding taskmaster. He required all those who worked in the pleasure trade to adhere to the rules and conditions set forth by the founder and leader of the syndicate, Louie the Wolf, otherwise known as the Big Bad Wolf. To disobey any of these conditions of employment was a cause for termination, which in this case meant death.
One of the syndicate’s rules was that all broods or litters produced by their pleasure workers were the sole property of the Big Bad Wolf and Company aka the Wolverine Syndicate.
Louie the Wolf craved young male pigs, either for snacks or for his perverted pleasures. All firstborn males were to be handed over to him once they reached puberty. All females were to be regulated and trained as his pleasure workers. As for the rest of their offspring, they were to be trained as soldiers of the syndicate.
Our Mother sacrificed her life for her “three little pigs.” As you can imagine, this didn’t sit well with the Big Bad Wolf. This set a bad precedent. Felix the Foxe’s head was never found, and my mother was eaten alive by Louie the Wolf. He made it one of his priorities to hunt us down to the ends of the earth if need be, and once found, to eat us up alive like he did our mother. We were on the run for most of our lives.
We were three little piglets with no survival skills. We went from village to village living off the kindness of strangers. There was a bounty on our heads but fortunately it had the opposite effect. Many fairylanders hid us from Louie the Wolf and his gangsters and eventually smuggled us out of the farmlands where his imprint and influence was strongest.
We ended up in the enchanted forest where we learned to live off the land. Our only other option, of course, was death. Our sister, Jubilee, although a little dim-witted like her brother, Julian, had a great sense of smell. She could sniff out what was poison and what was not. We lived on mushrooms, roots and berries and became strong, lean, and mean young pigs.
We lived in the Bogs, deep within the forest keep. Julian and Jubilee loved to wallow in the mud and decay of the bogs. They were dirty little pigs and proud of it. I, on the other hand, was more of a dapper Dan type of pig. I was meticulous about my appearance, making sure I always looked my best. I dressed to the nines, zoot suits, fedoras, and taps on my hooves.
Simple minded Julian and Jubilee didn’t have a care in the world; they let me do all the worrying. I did my best to keep us safe and secure. I made sure the proper traps were laid and set wooden pikes all along our perimeter. I even hired crows to watch out for any suspicious activity they happened to see, while doing flybys down by the bogs.
I questioned the fairylanders of the forest and its outlaying towns about any news concerning wolfverbeasts prowling the area. All of these beasts were either allied or related to Louie the Wolf. If any of them caught a whiff of us, then it wouldn’t be long before The Big Bad Wolf paid us a visit.
While my siblings and I were headed to one of the outlying towns for supplies, to our dismay and horror, we inadvertently bumped into a wolverbeast. He seemed in a hurry and was quite surprised to see us as well. He eyed us hungrily and said,
“My, my, my, three little pigs on their way to market. My brother has been looking for you; he’s dying to make an offer you can’t refuse. We’ll talk about it after my visit at little Reds, grandmas’ house,” he howled with laugher as he ran off.
As you can imagine, we were in a panic. We needed to secure our living space. I decided that we needed to erect houses to keep the big bad wolf out. As luck will have it we ran into a hunter while continuing on our way to town to get building supplies as well as the regular supplies that we needed. He asked us if we saw a big wolf in the woods. He told us he was eating little boys and girls in the area. We told him about our encounter with the Wolf and that he was on his way to Reds Grandma’s house. He thanked us and went on his way. We later heard that he cut opened up the wolf’s belly while he was asleep and rescued little red riding hood and her grandmother. He then slew the beast. Unfortunately not in time before he told some of his comrades about us.
Now here’s the part of the story that has been totally misconstrued. My brother and sister may not have been the brightest bulbs in the park, but they weren’t suicidal either. We all knew of Louie the Wolfs legendary lung capacity. His blowing skills were unmatched in all of the fairylands. They knew that straw and sticks would not keep him at bay.
We built three houses. One of straw, the other of sticks and lastly mine, the one made of brick. We knew he would easily blow those houses made of straw and sticks down. We also built underground tunnels that led to my house.
After about a month or so after our meeting with his brother the Big Bad Wolf arrived at the bogs. The crows warned us of his approach. We set our trap and waited. He easily bypassed the pikes and little traps along the way and arrived at Jubilees house of straw.
He huffed and puffed and blew her house down, but not before she taunted him with curses and insults. This made him livid. He screamed in rage when he couldn’t find her amongst the clumps of straw. He moved on to Julian’s house of sticks.
He huffed and puffed and blew his house down, but not before Julian taunted him with curses and insults about his manliness. He was foaming at the mouth in utter rage. He went ballistic when he couldn’t find him amongst the broken sticks. He now moved on to my house of bricks.
He was now raving mad, as he huffed and puffed, and puffed and huffed, but couldn’t blow my house down, no matter how hard he tried. His eyes nearly popped out as he went into conniption fits as all three of us taunted him with curses and insults about his intelligence and family heritage.
He howled at the moon and collapsed. He put too much strain on his heart; his anger did him in, he had a massive heart attack. While still on the ground panting in pain we dragged him in the house, threw him in our cauldron, and cooked him alive. It was the best meal that we ever had.
Now you know the real story. We avenged our mother and gave a grievous blow to the Wolverine Syndicate. Once it was known that three little pigs killed the mighty big bad wolf, no one was afraid of the wolves no more. Their shield of invincibility disappeared and it was they who were now hunted.
We all lived happily ever after, except for the wolves....