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Humor me, strangers! {Language near the end}

Stay awhile, and listen. :listening_headphone

As I have no shame in admitting, whatever stream of consciousness I have that somewhat resembles sanity is loosely held together by the tiniest of effort and medication.

If it didn't help that I was bent sideways in the first place, (Brain complications,) but I also have a lack of serotonin that runs on the male side of the family that gives me a hearty dose of depression on top of it. A certain someone forgot to get the prescription filled.

Now I'm remembering for the first time why things had gotten so bad for me.

I do have some of the more common symptoms. Lack of motivation, for instance. Some people use odd phrasing. They say their depression is 'smart.' And somehow knows exactly when the best time is to strike.

My self-depreciating sense of humor makes me laugh at that. If that's the case...then my depression is pretty stupid. Why? Like I said, I have a few common symptoms, but, the only real, huge difference in my behavior... is anger.

It's not sadness that bar my way to feeling happy. No. It's anger. A lot of people wouldn't ever know it. I cope very well. But when one goes without the needed medication, the cracks widen, and I start to notice it again.

The reason anger has such a negative context is because most people fail to express it in healthy ways.

Properly, it can be it's own source of motivation and energy. So my depression is stupid if it thinks anger is the right tool to use. :glee:I had to deal with it for a good 16 years before we discovered the problem.

Breathing exercises, thought processes... It's only a matter of willpower to overcome the red haze.

I can stay happy. Easily. There's only one problem. Other people.

With the beautiful anger comes negativity. Cynicism. Narcissism! Don't I loooooove to talk about myself? Yeah. Sorry about that.

And jealousy, finally. Yeah, I said it. It sounds like a stupid word. You look at other people and say 'they're so stupid for being jealous of so-and-so.' And then, when it happens to YOU, you have a thousand 'good reasons' that your emotions are valid. Pffff. Yeah right.

Well, I caught myself doing it. Being jealous again like I used to.

You get to the point where you physically CANNOT be happy for anyone else. To see anyone else succeed or do well is only another source of negative emotion.

Oh, you paint? Nice bushes, jackass.

How long did you look in the mirror to fix your hair, douchebag?

You scored a goal! Way to go! Fuck you!

--ETC ETC...

I've always used a good mental imaging technique to deal with it. A fire. Take a deep breath. Imagine that fire within you. Now, take everything you care about. Every single thing.

As you breath in, you're throwing it into the fire. Burning it.

That's my only issue now. I can cope ok.

If I can manage to use negative emotion as fuel. For energy. For motivation. Instead of just being spiteful and not doing anything all day.

But I'll be fine. I've done it before, after all.


I've found that the only way to overcome my jealousy is to appreciate who I am and what I have.
I used to calm my anger issues by fighting (sport, not randomly on the street) but it got to the point where that did nothing.

It's shit when you find yourself being someone you don't want to be but the fact that you notice it and do something about it is all that matters in the end.

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Crowley K. Jarvis
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