Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

HAIKU

Comments

Butterfly Storm

"riding" isn't the word you want. The butterfly is not riding a thousand miles. I don't know if you want a concrete number there either. You do want an expression of distance, but you also want to find a linking verb to imply causality.

Evergreen Winter

I think your third line is weak. I think you set yourself up by trying to use "crystalline" instead of "crystal" It's a beautiful word and I love it, but it's an extra syllable that means you need to economize elsewhere. If you want to keep crystalline ... "forms" is kind of a weak verb. I would try to recast it using "sheathes" and rework L2 and L3. YMMV.

Red Fire

Does the sunshine turn pink? That's how it reads. Also try "transiting" instead of "crosses the sky".

Note: I am not a grammarian. I don't even pretend to it. But there are two different tenses and the one with -ing is more immediate-sounding.

Fall

You are determined to make me work. "Rusty" is a beautiful word choice. If you're personifying Hawk, he should be capitalized. Is he gliding through the winds or with/on them?

No Rain!

This looks crammed. You don't have the sharp focus on one idea.


Hope I'm helpful. I'm not really good at binge-ku
 
Butterfly Storm

I had read a bit about Monarchs which migrate about a thousand miles, using wind to their advantage to complete the journey. So I thought I did mean "riding." Also, 'thousand' is often used to represent a large number, as in "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," and is often used similarly in some biblical passages, and I was using it as an approximation. If the causality you mean is the idea of a butterfly flapping its wings linked to a hurricane... well, that was already done and well known. My intended purpose was to contrast the destruction of wind with its usefulness. Please don't mistake this for defensiveness; I simply wanted to clarify my ideas. If they are flawed or ill-conceived... well asking is how we learn.

Evergreen Winter

I am confused regarding 'crystalline' - extra syllable? I will replace 'forms' and likely 'upon' as well.


Naptime, I'll return to this - oh, I did see what you mean about pink, LOL. Got more rewriting to do than I thought.
 
Okay, the idea I thought you were going for was the "butterfly effect" and that isn't about migration.
 

Blog entry information

Author
musichal
Views
133
Comments
5
Last update

More entries in Creative Writing 101

Top