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grey clouds

been a bit since i updated on here. i feel a little rusty, but we’ll give it a go. since my last post, i’ve been working from home.
with that, however, my room has become my office on top of general chill out and live area.

so i’ll wake up, turn on my computer and be at work. cool. 10 hours later, i’m done working…but still at work.
it’s a weird ocean for me to navigate, i tend to need separation of work and home.

except i’ve been working on it. i wake up on time to clock in at 7 am, then promptly sleep another hour or two.
when i get up, i make some coffee and slowly transition from sleep before starting some work. i cycle between
my project and games throughout the day. gaming is the carrot at the end of my work stick.

i also have taken the advice of a friend and determined what the hours of my day are worth to me.
i didn’t go so far as them (they calculate the actual price of their time), just found an amount of work that is considered
reasonable and spend my ten hours flitting between that and whatever else. elegant, i know.

work has gotten somewhat better as well with all of this. it took some time for me to become accustomed to the situation,
but now i find it’s enjoyable. i’ve learned quite a bit from this job, and enjoying work from home is just another check to the list.

another thing – i like writing more creative stuff, and i’m decent at it. i got an assignment this last week that
tasked me with creating copy for an escape room. for those not familiar, escape rooms are puzzle rooms
where you and a team are tasked with ‘getting out’ by solving riddles and such in under an hour. again, elegant.

i basically had full freedom to construct a backstory for the rooms, just keeping to the theme. and i had a lot of fun.
it took me two hours to complete the equivalent work as 10 hours on a normal day, and i didn’t take breaks.

this isn’t something new to me, per se. i have enjoyed every creative writing task ever given to me and
always cherish the results. but making it a goal for my adult self, a project…that has always scared me. not sure why still.

so i’ve been thinking again about new jobs and what direction i want to head. recently been playing a lot of board games
again and noticing the flavor text cards can have and, well, someone’s gotta write it. or story writing in video games.
figuring out a way to combine the things i’ve found help me pass the time most enjoyably.

since then i’ve stressed myself. when i contemplate, i have a habit of letting it turn to rumination. i’ve taken the thinking
too seriously and questioned my enjoyment with writing and games. i have a voice (Carl, i call it) that resurfaces, like a u-boat,
to torpedo my thought process. i’ve identified it as my parents, but calling it Carl makes it feel a little less overwhelming still.

this last week was spent with my thoughts flagging, sinking, and becoming obsessive witch hunts of my enjoyments.
this was how i was raised. if i cannot do something as soon as i think of it (or say it to another), i am a failure.

i know this more and more for the fiction it is, but that doesn’t get rid of Carl and his torpedo-ing. i’m growing to understand
all of us have our own Carls. little quirks instilled in us before full consciousness that inform us to this day. some good, some bad,
all unasked for. which has led me to question some philosophical holdings of mine, but that’s for another time perhaps.

what’s important for now is this: after all this thought and worrying, i have once again come out the other end still myself.
i am happy with myself, the speed, and the direction of my life.
that, i worry, is to be human. but if i give myself time, patience,
and kindness, i can remain strong through the confusion.

which is how i know that i need to learn to slow down more still. i thought i had a balance figured out perfectly before,
but i can see it still swung heavily one way. it’s time for me to practice contentedness for a change and be happy with who and where i am.

thank you for reading this much overdue update. i’m not sure it flowed in any way, in fact these mere 800 words took me two tries to get out.
perhaps i’ve been a bit stifled creatively since the end of April as well.

to break the streak, i leave you with a poem and my thanks again for your time.

grey clouds
canvass the sky…
i wonder –
what color will sunset
paint them today?

(also there was a weird amount of nautical references and metaphors this post…)


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