Since I've been more or less nocturnal, I woke up at four PM. Since they're still trying to sell this house, a man was very interested and came to look at it today. Of course I had to wake up.My mother visited about two hours later. So I never slept very deeply with such interruptions.
I had a very vivid dream that I can't remember.
I walked in the yard as usual. Thinking and making speeches to myself. What I thought, more or less, is as follows.
I know I have freedoms not afforded to many in life. What I realized is, what I plan and expect to do with my life, has little or nothing to do with my current limitations.Meaning, anything I want to accomplish right now, is something I have already started. Something to be improved.
I already taught myself how to draw. Now, I can practice, and become even better.
I can write halfway decent. Now I can practice that too.
I love working with wood. Making things. Well that's not a hard skill at all, and something there's classes for, with many tools and new techniques that make woodworking very interesting and fun. But...that's it. I don't want to skydive, tour the world, get rich, etc. I want to live a simple life. One that still allows me to create. Because I love to create.
My previous blog explained what else I want of course, someone to share it with.
If that someone wants to do something. Sure. All I want is someone that understands my drive to create. My endless thoughts, all the speeches I make, and all the stories I love. I do have problems right now. But... I don't feel anxious because of them. I'm not bothered in the least. Problems can be resolved with practical action on a person's part. Anything else that happens is beyond my scope of influence, and I accept that limitation.
So I'm not worried about any social fears. Nor about the future. Or anything for that matter. I'm worry-free.
The only things I think about are in the past. The word that comes to mind is closure.
They say without closure, things eat at you. I now realize, very little problems in my past have had proper resolution. Zero closure. Not with my parents, my friends, or any girls for that matter.
But, most of those problems are without resolution. Loose ends that are not within MY power to tie back up.
As per some excellent advice from my friends here, and elsewhere, (for which I thank all of you) I have realized I simply need to find my own peace. Or else, I'll never be able to devote my time and energies to someone else.
So for now, I'll enjoy that freedom I have, and probably, I dunno, meditate or something. I can't change the past but I can change my viewpoint towards it. It's only neural pathways. They can certainly change.