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Fateful day...

​I have yet to sort out spellings but here is some more story if anyone is interested. :)

Across decades, centuries, millennia our love reaches back to that fateful day. You remember it almost as well as I, don't you? I stared across the filled ballroom, bored to tears, as you entered. Your dark hair obscuring half your face, one twinkling blue eye arrested my attention. Holding me in place as you crossed the room. Breathing became harder as you neared but still I didn't look away, you were powerful and magnificently proud as you stalked you way over to the President's daughter.

We danced that night, remember? You twirled me around and around until everything else blurred into the background. until it was just you and me. Together and laughing. I smile even now as I hear the deep tones of your laugh, can still feel you body pressed warmly against mine. I can still smell your honeysuckle scent on the air. I still hold dear the words you whispered to me that night. So many years have passed since then, so much has happened to us both, but I regret nothing.

I love you still, my love, my demon of shadows.


As always the dream left me breathless and tingling all over as I looked at my familiar faded blue walls. I felt the crushing pain of loneliness that wasn't my own. I longed after a love that couldn't possible exist, there was no such thing as demons or otherworldly councils, that held secret balls. But it felt so real, almost as if I could reach out and touch that world.

Shaking my head, I threw back the covers, shivering in the early morning chill air. Glancing at my light up clock, I saw it was only 5.30am. Grimacing I slid my feet into my blue bootie slippers and made my way, as quietly as I could to the shared bathroom, down the hall.

I could hear echoes of late party goers returning to their own dorms, but other than that the morning was peaceful, I encountered nobody. Splashing cold water on my warm face, I breathed a sigh of relief as my heart-rate slowed down and the strange passion slowly faded into nothing.

It was just a dream, I told myself, staring into my dark blue eyes. As the sun rose outside I studied my appearence; cheeks stained in a natural blush, full red lips that contrasted with pale ivory skin. Mum said I was beautful but I couldn't see it, neither could boys for that matter.

I'd made it to university having been kissed only once by a member of the male gender. What was wrong with me? I'd often thought, but now at the grand age of nineteen I found I didn't really care. I would find someone eventually no point pouting about it not happening. As the first rose tinted rays of sun lit up the small white bathroom, I left, returning to my dorm room and waiting for the rest of my flatmates to awaken.

It was going to be a beautiful day. Smiling I shut my door and began to hum my favourite tune.

Comments

The italicized portion is written essentially flawlessly, but when your character wakes up your writing becomes a tad sloppy. There's a lot of substance that explains the character. It's got a hook to it, so I would read more.
 
As always the dream left me breathless and tingling all over as I looked at my familiar faded blue walls.

This sentence seems like a mouthful. I think it needs punctuation.

I longed after a love that couldn't possible exist, there was no such thing as demons or otherworldly councils, that held secret balls. But it felt so real, almost as if I could reach out and touch that world.

The first sentence is running on and you start the second sentence with "but."

It's mostly punctuation errors that pop out at me.
 
That use of the word "demons" was very effective as a pivot from blissful fantasy to harsh reality.
An overall engaging piece. Solid details. Makes me sympathetic to your character.
 
Ah, I see what you mean now, I will have have a look at it. It's going to turned into a full length book and hopefully a dark paranormal series with atleast 3 books. I have the ideas bouncing around my head, I just now have to flesh them out and build the worlds they will inhibit.
 
Winston;bt11833 said:
That use of the word "demons" was very effective as a pivot from blissful fantasy to harsh reality.
An overall engaging piece. Solid details. Makes me sympathetic to your character.

Thank you for reading and commenting Winston, what do you mean by a pivot from blissful fantasy to harsh reality? And which use of demons?
 
H.Brown;bt11835 said:
Thank you for reading and commenting Winston, what do you mean by a pivot from blissful fantasy to harsh reality? And which use of demons?

I believe he's referring to the contrast between the context of the dream and the main's interpretation of it.
 
RhythmOvPain;bt11840 said:
I believe he's referring to the contrast between the context of the dream and the main's interpretation of it.

Ah, they are supposed be noticeably different from each other, I like that that came across.
 

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