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Don't stand so close to me ...

I was battered.
www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/battery said:
1b law : an offensive touching or use of force on a person without the person's consent.
Honestly, I was not physically harmed. But harm isn't in that definition. Consent is. Touch is. And I was touched without my consent.

Here's what happened: My husband and I purchased a pre-owned car from a dealership near my dentist. We did the paperwork for the purchase at the Internet department but we financed the purchase and handled that through the dealership's finance department, in another building at the other end of the dealership--driving distance. We came back to the Internet department after finalizing everything to pick up the vehicle--I would drive the old one home and astroandy would drive the newly-purchased one. I needed to use the restroom so I did that and meanwhile, astroandy left. On my way out of the restroom, I encountered the salesman who had worked with us.

He hugged me.

I didn't know what to do. I was caught entirely by surprise. We were in this big room with staffed salesdesks. So I let him

Then I left.

But dayum, I did not want this person touching me. At all. And that, in and of itself, should be sufficient. It was not.

Comments

The nerve of some people never ceases to amaze me. I struggle with being within a metre of anybody.
 
It's inappropriate and he shouldn't have done it. Even though his motivation may well have been positive, it should still not have happened.
From a sales point of view, I imagine you are very unlikely to return to that dealership - the opposite to what was probably intended.
Indeed, if you are so inclined, it may even be possible to cancel the purchase without penalty - depending on the cooling-off period laws in your area.
 
I hug everyone, annnie. Living here has taught me to be more tactile with people and this is where I will come unstuck if we ever move back to the UK.

When the surgeon removed my thumbnail recently he put his arm around me at the end of the op because I was physically shaking. In the UK, he would have been arrested but here I never thought anything of it. I think I hugged the car salesman when he gave us a good part exchange deal on our car.

We greet everyone with an embrace and a kiss on each cheek. Mr Pip reckons it spreads germs... If anyone of you came to visit me in Portugal I would greet you with a big hug and a kiss on each cheek when I met you at the airport. When someone is in trouble and even if I don't know them I lay my had on their arm for reassurance.
 
I am with PiP on this, I give hugs, I get hugs. Pip said "When someone is in trouble and even if I don't know them, I lay my hand on their arm for reassurance." There is nothing more reassuring than touch, for someone truly in need, it is the best way to show you care and there is as they say "real" power in that touch.



From a salesman's point of view, having been one... Your livelihood depends on sales and connecting with the customer. You work hard to earn a bond and get their trust. There is a real commitment on your part as a salesman to understand their needs and desire. The closing of the sale means you're getting paid. that what you did worked and that they trusted you. While it has been just the purchase of a new car for you, it was an affirmation to the salesman that what he did worked. He did have both a financial and emotional investment in your transaction.


Someday I may get to meet PiP, I can assure you there will be hugs involved. :}
 
i was brought up in a family were emotions were never shown...the arcytipical english family scenario and i ended up being apart of a family were emotions and caring feelings were flowing...my two kids are more touchy feely than i ever was at their age and i'm glad there like that then the way i use to be and being part of that more open,touchy thing i find is good for the soul..the other week when i signed for my flat if there wasn't a desk between us i think i may have been a bit more emotional than i was....
 
Yeah, at the end of the day I think it's a problem when the individual asks for them to stop hugging (or whatever the case may be) and it continues.

Of course, I'm sorry to hear it made you uncomfortable. I'd rest assured that it was with the best of intentions, and no harm was meant. Unless the dude was obviously being creepy or something, that's a different story.
 
A handshake upon the completion of a major purchase is sufficent. Hugging...Not so much.
 
It's pretty clear that hugging is OK for some and not for others. Therefore, I would go for not hugging a stranger - erring on the side of caution.
There is context though - what may happen after a recovery group with someone who is troubled need not be the same as what happens when flogging a lump of metal.
 
Okay, you don't like being hugged. That's your prerogative and everyone should respect it.

But did you specify this to the person beforehand? If not, they had no idea that you felt that way. Thus, to call it battery is rather nonsensical.

People aren't mind-readers, and I've been hugged at different jobs, mostly by women, for doing as little as carrying a heavy object from one place to another. It took me by surprise, yes, but I didn't think they did it to intentionally upset, unsettle, or make me uncomfortable.
 
a) I don't want to cancel the purchase
b) I didn't even leave a bad review
c) this was not in connection with the purchase except that it occurred at the purchase location and involved the purchase salesman -- this was a specifically separate encounter

This is not somewhere where people go around randomly hugging strangers. And that's basically what happened. His only connection with me was that he'd sold me a car an hour earlier. He's still a stranger.
 
Curious...I can't remember ever being offended by getting a hug. On the other hand, I do remember witnessing an uncomfortable hug given to (forced upon?) a woman employee by her boss.

Creepy. He was creepy; she was not, and it was creepy.

Im trying to think, trying to imagine what the difference is- me being male and possibly getting an unwanted hug ( not that I've wanted every hug I've ever gotten, more often it was a feeling of mild surprise, not being a hugger myself). It's even hard to discuss- unwanted vs. wanted, as hugs are spoken of as 'given', like they're a gift, and received (like they're a gift). How does one describe an unwanted 'gift'? Like you're ungrateful or something?

Which brings me back to myself, being a male... I never go to hug first, not the first time, I mean, unless the person is in dire distress or something ( I guess, not being a hugger...).

I'm thinking that if it (someone hugging me)was unwanted( untoward) being male, I could always... easily perform some 'pain-causing physical action' to end it.

And, being a male, if I were mistaken in my interpretation of said hugger's intent, well, being male, I could always 'talk' an excuse out of any action. "Sorry dude, I thought you getting 'frisky' with me or something." "What!? Frisky?! What tha- so you smashed me in the balls?!" "Wouldn't you?" And then we're done. Anything more than that, and then they're out of line. They've broken etiquette. I mean they could complain some more about the pain, or about my interpretation, but the action taken, given reasonable expectation, no...
 
i'm perplexed by the initial entry..i totaely understand why you feel this way and yet i'm kind of ok with the hug by a stranger...i'm sure you could have embaresed him and stood your ground and he would have to consider his next hug... afraid i'm stuck here..it's deffo one to think about in the future if i attempt to hug a stranger....
 
That's part of it. I'm short. I'm curvaceous and all but I've been described as "fun size" (as in the miniature candy bars). This guy was not as large as my 6'3" 360# son, but he was definitely large compared to me. Creepy is a good word. It's the difference I think. I was creeped.
 
Sam;bt8777 said:
Okay, you don't like being hugged. That's your prerogative and everyone should respect it.

But did you specify this to the person beforehand? If not, they had no idea that you felt that way. Thus, to call it battery is rather nonsensical.

People aren't mind-readers, and I've been hugged at different jobs, mostly by women, for doing as little as carrying a heavy object from one place to another. It took me by surprise, yes, but I didn't think they did it to intentionally upset, unsettle, or make me uncomfortable.

And so he/they presumed,too much i would venture. I'm sorry but even speaking as a bloke, i am so not okay with this.

All i would say to astroannie is, all anyone CAN say, put it down to just one more bad experience and move on. Don't let it weigh you down.
 
Here we're giving/getting kisses in the air while cheek-to-cheek - first to the one side, then to the other :)
Everybody does that - also male-to-male.
Some are more enthusiastic and will not just kiss in the air, but tend to wet your cheeks all over.
A hug on the other hand, that's something more, hence for people who know each other aforehand - it's more intimate, as it's not only your cheek you're pairing but your whole body.
May be you translated his, a stranger's hug as a sexual approach (you're curvy you say) - but he should be able to feel you stiffened - and that should be enough.
He didn't invite you on something, did he ??
Then it's over and done with.
If ever you go there again you'll carry something big and heavy in front of you :star:
 
Definitely seems to be a cultural thing more than anything else. In a lot of western countries I've noticed it's an absolute atrocity if there's any sort of affection shown between strangers.

In places like Italy, Greece, and so on, there seems to be a different phenomena of kissing people on the cheek, hugging, and so forth. I'm not a cultural expert; this specifically is just something I've noticed from documentaries.

Like Sam said, the healthy response is to accept that the person did not intend any harm. God forbid they awkwardly walk about the rest of their life asking for people to sign an additional contract with the car that says "it's okay if I hug you after the purchase". As far as legality, I draw the line when the recipient of the hug (or whatever) has asked the giver to stop, and it doesn't stop.
 
My name is bdcharles and I have, in the past, hugged people I don't know well.

(Admittedly most of my hugs were given around London nightclubs in the nineties, where, for some reason, not engaging in affectionate contact with total strangers was grounds for a lifetime ban ... ;) )

I empathise with the discomfort; I absolutely do - particularly for women, but really for anyone, anyone who is anxious, unsure of themselves or maybe even just not wanting that sort of attention. There is alot to be said for maintaining a level of sensitivity and awareness of others. It is important and it feels good. But equally I do find it interesting that there seem to be more unspoken conventions on how we can express the better angels of our nature to others, than there are when it comes to expressing the worse ones; something about our inability to handle the situation that's being laid bare. Not saying that's the case here, but food for thought perhaps?
 
I hug people that I am close to but feel strange if others hug me, even if theyare doing it to be comforting or nice, I find it realy starnge but then when I was growing up I didn't hug my siblings or parents as much as myfriends did with their families but then I see that as just being me. I would not expect a stranger such as a carsales man to hug me so I would have to agree with you annie.
 

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