So it's exam week at my university, and it's all finally hitting me. No, not the studying and all-nighters and other academic stuff. I'm perfectly okay with those. But the people leaving part is wrecking me right now. I myself am only a junior, but most of my friends are seniors and we are a very, VERY close-knit bunch. When this week is over, almost everyone will be gone, off to start their life. And that'll be it. Done. All the people I just spent the last several years getting to know better than I know myself, all the people I have shared every last memory with these past few years, who have been with me through everything, who I have basically grown up with and matured with (I have come to consider my college years to be the most formative and emotionally maturing years of my life) more so than the rest of my life combined, they'll all be gone. That sounds cliche as heck, but going through it now, there's no other possible way to describe it.
The worst part is that due to exams week, there is no last shebang, no final great memories to be made before we go our separate ways. It's over. Everyone studies frantically, hardly interacting with each other, and then after their last exam, one by one they fade away. "Oh, so-and-so left this morning? Yeah, he had his last exam last night. Oh, okay." There is no closure, no real goodbyes. They just drift out of my life little by little until I realize they're all gone. Only this time they aren't coming back.
And now the regrets come. Why didn't I do more to show them how much they mean to me? Why did I waste so much time? Why wasn't I more proactive about making more memories with them? Why did I take our time together for granted? I want a do-over, but I don't, but I do, but I don't.
But that's it. All the memories we made together, they culminate in this. It just fizzles out. I love the flying frick out of them, but it makes no difference, they're still leaving.
I often hear the metaphor about a chapter in our lives ending. It isn't enough. It's more like a whole series coming to a close, and now I have to move on to the next, but it's terrifying. How am I going to make it without the support I've had, without the people I've come to lean on with all of my being? How do you just move on? I know everyone goes through this, and I know I'll be alright, but I just can't see it now. What makes it worse is I still have another year left here, and without them all it just seems so empty and pointless. They make this place the beautiful home it has become to me. It will be a rough year for sure (for other reasons as well).
But enough of the drama now. I know I'll see them again. In fact, I'll see most of them several times throughout the summer at least, and a few people will be around all year (including my housemates), and one of my best friends will be moving into my house for the year, so I'm excited about that. Plus, you know, technology and stuff. I'll talk to them all the time still. It makes things easier, but it still doesn't make it any less sad, not even a little. I still feel an emptiness, and the worst is yet to come when I finish my last exam and I finally feel the full weight of everyone being gone.
I said enough of the drama!!!
Well, that's what I've got. I'm not going to take the time to edit this because that would entirely defeat the purpose. If you read it all the way through, I apologize for inducing depression and/or nausea.
*sigh* this still didn't make me feel any better though...