P.S.: Hopefully this would be read by someone who would like to read and imagine the writer had no greater purpose and knowledge of life that kept passing her eyes before she knew and understood of what was going on giving to the era of terrorism, fear, the privacy act from the Bush Administration, sex, war, alcoholism, family feuds, life, and anything that she may have discussed and drawn in graphite gray. This goes to whomever that I pass this down to.
This is totally awesome. I get a grid locked journal for a Christmas present. Never had one before. I had journals but not like this. I don’t know what to do exactly sine I don’t always write my life story into something. Something like a notebook or anything.
But I also got colored gel pens, another journal, a book mark, a huggable teddy dog with a blanket, a thesaurus, and a dictionary. I have to ask my mom to get a pencil box or something for the pens that I was given today.
How difficult can it be to write backwards to keep a child from reading in your journal. But I’m starting to really get annoyed. It’s my 3 year old cousin. She turned on the lights to wake me up and now she’s reading what I’m writing here in you. But I’m trying not to kill her. I mean literally. I’m sure that her parents don’t want me to do it to her. She’s begging for attention from her parents (who are my aunt and uncle) who never give her attention. I’m not sure why but she’s just thirsty for attention. I just hope that she could get it soon. It’s just frustrating to give it to her. Even thou I can never guess what she can be when she turns 3 years old in May or March. But I’m not sure if she’s going to survive to her 4th Birthday. She’s driving everyone in the apartment. I told my mom about Carmen Jean and offered to send me a book on child psychology so I can understand my cousin because I really don’t understand her one bit. I guess I’m learning a 3 year old mind and it really help me in the distant future of raising my own kids. Now I think I could be more patient with them not yelling at them and spanking them like my aunt and uncle. I just wish I knew how a father acts toward kids because I have no idea how they act. My father hasn’t been there when I was growing up. He came to my graduation on May 31, 2008. Too bad he isn’t going to hear from me because he was trying to put me in to a mental institution. He just pissed me off with that.
Carmen Jean has been acting tired and stressed. Todd somehow twisted his left ankle. And he has gout. So honestly I don’t know how he did and where. Bonnie just had a second litter this year. Squirrel is now the father of 6 kittens. There should have been 7 but one from the previous litter died. I still remember it as if it was Lucy all over again. I remember the date when Lucy died. July 6, 2009. She was sick. So I wouldn’t be surprised if a kitten died from this second litter but at the same time it would be very sad if a kitten from this second litter. My mom and Cory (my new stepfather) are taking care of both litters. Even if Cory and mom are putting Squirrel into the main bathroom with the first litter. Right now Sandy and I are watching “The West Wing” for the second night since yesterday night. It’s not the first time I’ve watched the series. They are really good series. The State of the Union which is an interesting catch phrase of the political and military stand point of the United States of America. As I read many years from now I’m going to be very confused because this looks like a cross word puzzle to me right now. I hate my current life because I’m living with aunt, uncle, gran, and cousin because my father kicked me out for calling him piece of shit for trying to put me into a mental institution. He always thinks he‘s always right. He thought he was right about me having a mentally challenged but I have a language and learning disorders. He had me because mom kicked me out of the apartments in she thought that I wasn’t trying hard enough to look for another job while still working at an amusement park there in the Carolinas called Carowinds. I tried looking for another job but I wasn’t trying hard enough in my mom’s standards. What I’ve learned in this amusement park is that amusement parks are really crazy. Especially during the most hot summer days of working with coworker who worked longer than I have. I had several times with my mom. Whenever that happened I’ve hated doing them with her because I felt like I hated my mom. I just felt angry at my mom. Good Bye!
Today, it’s snowing. Kids in the apartment complex were screaming about the snow here in Salem, Oregon. I didn’t realize that the snow was still a big hit with kids today. And gran was complaining about the kids wearing t-shirts and no coat and she yelled at some about the noise they were making when they were coming up or down the stairs outside our door. She asked me if she was reacting- or was she being unreasonable/reacting- and I said she wasn’t. Now the snowing has stopped as I look out of the slide window. The ground is covered with the snow. Not entirely covered since there are bare spots showing. I’m not sure if it’s going to snow again. C.J. is just being a 3 year old going on 4 next year. Still I’m wigged out about turning 21 next October. Which is the legal age to drink out in public. So literally I can/could go to a bar and drink alcohol. But I don’t know. Still watching “West Wing” and Sandy hasn’t come back from whatever she was doing. I don’t know what she’s doing. But I know that she was going to see if- or to see or to get some medication for either herself or for Todd. So she’s getting some stuff. C.J. was fussing about going to bed. It’s snowing again. I’m wondering if Obama was going to change things if that’s what he said if I heard him correctly. But I wasn’t paying attention to the presidential elections because I was too busy looking for a job in South Carolina after I moved there with mom. I didn’t want to go to South Carolina from Baltimore, Maryland and leaving behind so many friends. And I was angry about that. I wanted to stay there in Maryland. To be there for my friends. I wouldn’t’ve be in the situation that I am in now: jobless, homeless. Even after being in South Carolina for a year, mom told me that I didn’t have a job in Baltimore and that I didn’t have a place of my own. I couldn’t help but think that she was lying to me. I’m still angry about that. Soon after that, she kicked me out by sending me to my father in California. I was there almost 3 weeks but he kicked me out of his apartment sending me to Sandy and Todd who kindly took me in. Todd was ready to come down to California and beat dad up for being an ass to me. Snowing is up again. Maybe soon enough that I can get a shovel or a snow blower/plow. I need my exercise because I hate feeling and looking fat. I hate being in the sizes of 18 and 22 in women’s clothes so I’ve told gran that I want to martial arts so she handed me a book called “T’ai Chi in a chair” but I want to do t’ai chi while standing up. I hate it when mom argues that I’m fat and that I need to lose weight. Every time she said that it hurts my feeling and my ego/self esteem is low. I told gran about the martial arts and her giving me the book took place yesterday. But I have no life outside my aunt and uncle’s apartment. I tried having a life in South Caroline but mom was jealous of me. Because of the economy and the money being too little to rent and other things. I tried looking for another job but no one was hiring me. That’s ‘why’ mom kicked me out. And I miss my friend, Victor. He’s all alone in Baltimore. I’m starting to in love with again like I did in high school but he wasn’t interested in me because we were in debate and then later had a girlfriend who I despised. I was a bit jealous but then I simply hated her because I felt that she was spoiled with things. Simply putting it that is she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Victor never understood it when I tried explaining it to him. He just thought that I was jealous. But now that she left a year ago this month I started to have feelings for Victor. He’s the first person to take my virginity. He took it from me when I asked him to. I was curious that night. I lost it to him on January 14, 2007. I was 17 years old. We were both seventeen. But he has more experience than I do. But we had sex in the back of his car. Last time I had sex with him, was the morning of the day I moved, behind the high school. By February 2010, it would be a year and a half since I slept with him. I haven’t seen him since either. I want to see him again but I have to lose the weight.