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Dark Musings

Warning: This is a blog... but if you don't like anything dark, don't read it.

At the risk of my sanity, I often walk a dangerous line, consciously pondering what would never be morally acceptable or possible.Thankfully, there is a large, dominant, massive filter, between my brain, my mouth, and my body. Anything I say and do, is, for the most part, filtered until it's crystal clear.

But inside my mind, before anything gets out, the water is most often black.

If I haven't annoyed everyone with my long explanations of my choice of name yet, then humor me more.The duality I express closely represents this polarity as well.What Is in the very depths of my mind, and the clear surface, are very different. So different, depending on my mood, I might as well be a different person.

But, mostly, the good, my conscious mind, wins over, and makes sure these thoughts and desires never rise to the surface.

And yet, there are cracks. Whispers. Breaks in the line.

Though them, I see and hear my darkest inclinations, things I never would do, but, down there, often desire.

And sometimes they make me feel like nothing is stopping me.

What prevents me from punching you? What is stopping me from bringing one of my razor sharp swords, drawing one, and letting the blade bite into you before you know what's happened?

I would never draw my sword on anyone. Never even a robber.

That is but one example of many slight, little things that dash across my mind, through the cracks.

Those thoughts might be common to some people, but, they make me feel as if I should feel bad, for having them. Hm.


We need to define the people that we don't want to become in order not to do so. Consciously having them locked away inside us means that we are in control of our personalities. Surely it is the people who have never contemplated the possibility of becoming a monster who most run the risk of doing so. Being aware of the fragments of thought in our subconscious minds is not such a bad thing. Better the devil you know, even the one inside yourself.

How could anyone write a story about an appallingly bad character without creating that character and acting out his deeds within their own mind? Should readers see that writer as being a fundamentally bad person simply because they created such a character? Criminologists must have many criminal types lurking within their minds, but that doesn't make them criminals themselves, quite the opposite.

I don't think it is the thoughts that exist in our minds but the ones with which we identify that matter. That is the nature of free will, that we know that we have choices and make them. We cannot choose to be good without knowing that alternatives exist. To know right from wrong we must understand both.

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Crowley K. Jarvis
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