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Coping with Loss (when there is no land to lay upon)

Last night, a girl I have known for almost my entire life passed away. It came suddenly, and I had no idea it happened until this morning when I awoke to an email sent to friends and family, notifying us of what happened.
I’m sure many people would assume immediately that I would be devastated– I mean a childhood friend just passed out of my life forever, I will never see her again and there’s nothing I can do about it – but frankly I don’t know what I am. There’s this part of me, the part that understands empathy and knows it is okay to feel, that knows that I can be sad and express my emotions, but then there’s a stronger part of me that doesn’t want to feel anything. A stoic part of me, which hearkens back to Marcus Aurelius perhaps, that says emotion should be held back, that life is pain and this is just some more to add to the heaping pile that resides corrodes the bottom of my heart. I don’t know which person is me though. All I know is I have no idea what to do with myself.

This isn’t the first person I have lost who was close to me in some way, and this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this, had to go through this tearing of my personality into the person I am and the person I show others. The emotional part wants desperately to free itself, but I won’t let it. It’s a struggle that exhausts me, and leaves me empty most nights. I have very few friends and even fewer people with whom I confide in, and losing any of those people is impossibly difficult.

My Grandfather, for whom I am named after, passed last year right after Christmas. I didn’t cry then either, I didn’t feel anything frankly. But there is still something that eats at me to this day; possibly it is the guilt of knowing that I should have cried and didn’t, the pain of knowing that I continued to act the stoic in a time when I was most vulnerable. He was one of the few men I have known in my life who was so kind and so wise that I would gladly live in squalor and destitution if only I could live as he did. And losing him killed a part of me that I don’t know will ever grow back fully. But still, here I am. I have to keep living, and I know that he would want me to.
And now with the loss of my friend, I don’t know where to look, who to go to, what to feel, what to think. I am a boat adrift in harbor, waiting for a line to be cast which will anchor it, but it never comes. Only bigger and stronger waves come, and push me further from land, and soon I fear that I will lose all sight of land, left adrift in an endlessly empty and endlessly deep sea.

No escape.

I don’t write this for sympathy, in fact if you want to leave sympathetic words I ask that you keep them to yourself; I have no need nor room for them in my heart. I do this simply for myself, because I am human and in the end we all care for ourselves more than anything in this world.

To quote EE Cummings: "in time of daffodils (who know the goal of living is to grow) forgetting why, remember how."

Maybe I just need to remember how.

Rest in peace, to all my loved ones and yours. I may not be religious, but for the sake of those who have passed, I truly and deeply hope they are in a better place.

Comments

Will I sound demonic if I say that whenever I hear of deaths, I say...

"Good for them...."

I don't mean that in a harsh way but if you ponder, DEATH is end of all your sufferings in life.
I kind of feel jealous. I'm a Christian so I believe the bible especially what it says about life and death...

Ecclesiastes 2 (KJV)
[SUP]12 [/SUP]And I turned myself to behold wisdom, and madness, and folly: for what can the man do that cometh after the king? even that which hath been already done.
[SUP]13 [/SUP]Then I saw that wisdom excelleth folly, as far as light excelleth darkness.
[SUP]14 [/SUP]The wise man's eyes are in his head; but the fool walketh in darkness: and I myself perceived also that one event happeneth to them all.
[SUP]15 [/SUP]Then said I in my heart, As it happeneth to the fool, so it happeneth even to me; and why was I then more wise? Then I said in my heart, that this also is vanity.
[SUP]16 [/SUP]For there is no remembrance of the wise more than of the fool for ever; seeing that which now is in the days to come shall all be forgotten. And how dieth the wise man? as the fool.
[SUP]17 [/SUP]Therefore I hated life; because the work that is wrought under the sun is grievous unto me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit.
[SUP]18 [/SUP]Yea, I hated all my labour which I had taken under the sun: because I should leave it unto the man that shall be after me.
[SUP]19 [/SUP]And who knoweth whether he shall be a wise man or a fool? yet shall he have rule over all my labour wherein I have laboured, and wherein I have shewed myself wise under the sun. This is also vanity.
[SUP]20 [/SUP]Therefore I went about to cause my heart to despair of all the labour which I took under the sun.
[SUP]21 [/SUP]For there is a man whose labour is in wisdom, and in knowledge, and in equity; yet to a man that hath not laboured therein shall he leave it for his portion. This also is vanity and a great evil.
[SUP]22 [/SUP]For what hath man of all his labour, and of the vexation of his heart, wherein he hath laboured under the sun?
[SUP]23 [/SUP]For all his days are sorrows, and his travail grief; yea, his heart taketh not rest in the night. This is also vanity.
[SUP]24 [/SUP]There is nothing better for a man, than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour. This also I saw, that it was from the hand of God.
[SUP]25 [/SUP]For who can eat, or who else can hasten hereunto, more than I?
[SUP]26 [/SUP]For God giveth to a man that is good in his sight wisdom, and knowledge, and joy: but to the sinner he giveth travail, to gather and to heap up, that he may give to him that is good before God. This also is vanity and vexation of spirit.


Ecclesiastes 3 (KJV)
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
[SUP]2 [/SUP]A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
[SUP]3 [/SUP]A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
[SUP]4 [/SUP]A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
[SUP]5 [/SUP]A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
[SUP]6 [/SUP]A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
[SUP]7 [/SUP]A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
[SUP]8 [/SUP]A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
[SUP]9 [/SUP]What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
[SUP]10 [/SUP]I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
[SUP]11 [/SUP]He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
[SUP]12 [/SUP]I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
[SUP]13 [/SUP]And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
[SUP]14 [/SUP]I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
[SUP]15 [/SUP]That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.
[SUP]16 [/SUP]And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.
[SUP]17 [/SUP]I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
[SUP]18 [/SUP]I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.
[SUP]19 [/SUP]For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.
[SUP]20 [/SUP]All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.
[SUP]21 [/SUP]Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?
[SUP]22 [/SUP]Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?
 
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/12/# This is a link to a test on closure. I have found over the years from doing counseling that not everyone needs to go through a grief period when they go through a loss. You are not that different than many others, for some reason society thinks that you need to go through some form of closure to let things go when some people don't need any at all. Some of it has to do with your personality and your need for thing to fall into order. Based on what I read and experienced, those that are uncomfortable in unfamiliarity need closure and those that deal well with uncertainty have little nor no need for it.


I would bet if you took the test you would find that you deal well with changing situations and are comfortable with doing things at the spur of the moment.

I would be curious to know what you thought of the test and information.
 
Reichelina;bt5902 said:
Will I sound demonic if I say that whenever I hear of deaths, I say...

"Good for them...."

I don't mean that in a harsh way but if you ponder, DEATH is end of all your sufferings in life.
I kind of feel jealous. I'm a Christian so I believe the bible especially what it says about life and death...

Not demonic. I'm jealous too, and it feels wrong. But some of us are able to romanticize things because of the mystery and the allure of exactly what you said, an end. Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to be dead and just watch the world continue on around me and see what people feel, without having to expose myself to it and feel the hurt or something.

You're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you. Let me know if you ever want to ponder death with me sometime :)
 
Plasticweld;bt5903 said:
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/12/# This is a link to a test on closure. I have found over the years from doing counseling that not everyone needs to go through a grief period when they go through a loss. You are not that different than many others, for some reason society thinks that you need to go through some form of closure to let things go when some people don't need any at all. Some of it has to do with your personality and your need for thing to fall into order. Based on what I read and experienced, those that are uncomfortable in unfamiliarity need closure and those that deal well with uncertainty have little nor no need for it.


I would bet if you took the test you would find that you deal well with changing situations and are comfortable with doing things at the spur of the moment.

I would be curious to know what you thought of the test and information.

I would take the quiz, but the link appears to not work :(. But to affirm your hypothesis, I would say that you are absolutely correct in saying I'm more of a spur of the moment person. If you can find the working link for the quiz though, I'll be glad to take it and let you know exactly what it says!
 
Greyson;bt5904 said:
Not demonic. I'm jealous too, and it feels wrong. But some of us are able to romanticize things because of the mystery and the allure of exactly what you said, an end. Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to be dead and just watch the world continue on around me and see what people feel, without having to expose myself to it and feel the hurt or something.

You're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you. Let me know if you ever want to ponder death with me sometime :)


Life and death.
Sure!

You see as much as death is attractive, you have to stay strong to live on.
You do realize that it takes more effort to live. And so, life is short.
Make it count.

I'm not afraid of death itself BUT I'm kind of worried about the process. I don't want to die through being burnt alive or something. HAHA.

PM me when you're bored. I will make it even more boring. HAHA.
 
Plasticweld;bt5908 said:

Got it, here are the results:

Here are your basic results:
Full Score: 87 Your need for closure is below average.


Order: 14 Your need for order is well below average.


Predictability: 21 Your need for predictability is in the low average range.


Decisiveness: 12 Your reported level of decisiveness is a little below average.


Ambiguity: 26


Closed Mindedness: 14 Your reported level of closedmindedness is a little below average range.
 
In my mind that makes you above normal when it comes to dealing with the life's problems not what they would call below average. There are other tests out there. I figured it would give you some idea as to the mindset of dealing with problems and also make you more aware of situations where others are less capable than dealing with things than you are. The score range that you ended up also puts you into the role of leader.
 
Plasticweld;bt5912 said:
In my mind that makes you above normal when it comes to dealing with the life's problems not what they would call below average. There are other tests out there. I figured it would give you some idea as to the mindset of dealing with problems and also make you more aware of situations where others are less capable than dealing with things than you are. The score range that you ended up also puts you into the role of leader.

Well I'll be damned. Never thought of myself as a leader in any respect, so that's a pleasant surprise! And yeah, the "below average" was making me feel bad about myself, seems as though I'm below average and above average amount of times, if you know what I mean ;)
 
Greyson;bt5914 said:
Well I'll be damned. Never thought of myself as a leader in any respect, so that's a pleasant surprise! And yeah, the "below average" was making me feel bad about myself, seems as though I'm below average and above average amount of times, if you know what I mean ;)

He's just kidding the test was to determine if you're gay.
Uh oh. LOOOOOOL.
 

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