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Comfort. Mentality. Latest Dreams. Jeopardized.

I've been working for a week straight without days off. I can't even keep my eyes open. I am literally typing this with my eyes closed. It seems like it's working just fine. I recently filled in for a night crew position from 11 PM to 7 AM. I also volunteered to load Peapod grocery delivery trucks from 4 AM to 9 AM, and stay for the remainder in a different part of the store until 12:30.

I finally crashed at 3:00 PM. My dream was bizarre. I was preaching something inspirational in a large crowd. People requested my number. I believe this came from work when people jokingly requested for my autograph after seeing how many hats I filled today.

In my dream, I had a difficult time typing my number into someone's phone. It transitioned into a dining facility with a room that holds a machine separating one chicken at a time above a pool loaded with chicken droppings and blood. The machine next to it cut watermelon perfectly. Don't ask me. I am not even going to comment on the possible interpretations. Finally, I was in the front row seat of someone's car. The guy from the restaurant wanted to take a ride into the woods. We crashed into a lot of things. The dream escalated to the point where someone had to jump into the mysterious pond water. I lend a hand as he shivered coming out.

There's still a blurry part of the dream. I can see the vivid colors of the scene, but I can't make out the picture anymore. I woke up in pain. I am sore. I don't usually lift that much in one day. I'm mentally drained. I am still trying to move on from recent events. My inner demons are calling. They chant a familiar word. "Worthless." Almost like my own father, except with more colorful language.My eyes are giving up on me. My body seems to protest in odd ways. I know I am not giving myself enough credit for what I do at work. That doesn't matter. I do everything I do to make a difference until eventually ... my body gives up. I am not ready to come back. Just know I am still alive.


You are capable of far more than that, it is good to push yourself, good to find out what your made of. Look at how fortunate you are that you get to take the test to see what your made of. The key to long hours and hard work are mostly mental, as soon as you tell yourself that your over worked, you feel tired, as soon as you tell yourself you need time off, your tired.

I look at your schedule and see you had 13 hours off, you only had to work 11 and your muscles are sore because you got a great work out that some guy had to pay to get by belonging to a gym. You had a great dream, probably better than any movie you could have paid to see. You'll sleep great tonight because your day was so full.

So to recap, you got a great work out, some time off, got to see a movie and are going to get a good nights sleep... And I bet your Dad would be proud of you...ain't so bad when you look at it that way :}
Thanks for the POV (Plasticweld's Observational Virtues)! You have listed great points, until 'father' and 'proud' were in the same sentence. That felt like a finger placed on a hot stove for a second. For the record, he called out sick for the next two days. So, I am sure you're right. Deep in the core, he's feeling something difficult to explain to his own son. You're right about being mental. Psychologically, though, I haven't been fair to myself. When I hurt someone (emotionally), I have to beat myself down for it. So, by coming into work and bending over backwards for people, I am doing it out of my own sake of altruism. I don't factor in the possible outcomes (other than the paycheck that separates me from potentially being homeless).

I do admire your approach. I advocate it the same way. I told someone at work today that if I had children, I'd be sure to tell them their lives are valuable every second their heart is beating. It's a matter of will power and execution. Anyone can say they will, but results need to happen. Anyone can try to find employment, but they still need to find ways to gain financial means. I know I am struggling, but my credit score is 745. I do what I can and make the best of it. I honestly want to try to be better to myself. I run to work. That saves money and improves my health. I try to eat well, but I am a dumpster diver at a local convenient store. They throw away a lot of packaged goods that aren't expired yet. I am not ashamed for what I do because I found a mall gift card worth $70 near a dumpster. The clock on my kitchen wall was buried in a landfill. It still ticks in sync with my heart. I honestly believe there's a brighter future ahead. I am not sure how long I can take this though. What I'd do just to give up my organs to someone else.

I need a hot shower. My neck is killing me. Thanks again for your support.
You just grew another inch in my mind for what is its worth :}

I am sending you a story I wrote awhile back, it gives a explanation of who I am and some of things that really inspired me when I was your age. I post on your blog and read both yours and Smith's thoughts because when I was young and in your shoes almost 40 years ago some old guys took the time to share a few things with me that really made a difference. The insight they shared, the stories, and the fact that they cared, really made a difference in my life and those little lessons, those values are still well remembered but more importantly well used today....Bob

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