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Chapter 1 of The Broken Crown (1.1)

Chapter 1
The sun shone through the forest right between all the trees.
Freya walked through the forest as her blond hair flowed in wind and her jacket hung loosely off her shoulders. Her sword, which she had placed in its scathe, swayed on her left leg.
Her jacket was adorned with an official bounty hunter pin. Her boots had bright red laces, which was a direct contrast to the rest of her black boots. Her hair was done in a ponytail, and her blue eyes shone a little brighter today, which they always did if Freya had completed a mission that day, which she just had.
Freya Morrison was a bounty hunter. She took on jobs that usually involved hunting down criminals or finding objects of certain importance. She had just completed a mission involving an extremely dangerous tax evader, and was coming back home to collect the full bounty.
She picked up her pace until she came to a small clearing in the forest. It lead out into a large field, filled with grass and flowers. The sun wasn't full up yet, so Freya guessed the time was at least two hours earlier than noon. She began to walk through the field.
Eventually, she came to a small path with a sign that read, Official Bounty Hunters Guild, This way right on the side. She walked past the sign and continued down the path. Then she reached The Official Guild.
The area looked a lot like an old town with all the buildings dropped everywhere. The main building looked like a large mansion with Mansardic architecture. All the places in the Official Guild were scattered around this one main area. Knowing that was her destination, she set off to go towards it.
Being a bounty hunter, Freya needed a place to accept bounties from. Sometimes they were from regular people, but most of the time missions were issued out by the Official Guild.
Very few bounty hunters could do anything without interacting with the Official Guild in some way.
As she approached the main centre she saw a person wave her over. It was Julian, her best friend. Julian was usually her partner on missions, but this time he had to stay behind to finish paperwork. When he hugged her, she nearly fell over. His short blue hair flew in her face when he reached her.
“How was the mission?” he asked. His gray eyes were filled with curiosity, and his long-sleeved shirt looked a little too big on him.
“Um, good. I guess,” she replied.
He smiled and turned behind him and waved someone over. Freya almost immediately saw that person.
It was Helga, the representative of the Official Guild.
Helga’s brown hair rolled down her back almost to her waistline and her sweater dress reached down to her knees, and her boots went just up to under her knees. Her eyes looked like a predator who was about to pounce, hungry and alert. Her glasses were perfectly positioned on her nose, and her perfect face didn’t look any different than the last time Freya saw her.
Freya turned away from Helga and rolled her eyes. Freya found Helga extremely annoying, because she always acted like she was above everyone else. As Helga got closer, Freya saw Helga wrinkle her nose for just a second, and then returned to her extremely bland face.
“Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise, Freya Morrison?” she said.
Freya gave Helga her an annoyed look and replied with, “Yes, I’m back. Thank you for acknowledging that.”
Helga wrinkled her nose again, this time with a more noticeable sense of disgust. "I hope you made sure to be professional about doing your job.”
That was another thing about Helga that annoyed Freya. Helga was obsessed with the reputation of the Official Guild, always trying to make sure that they always looked good in the public’s eyes. Being the official representative, Helga was supposed to be watching over stuff like that, but she always took it to an extreme that wasn’t necessary.
Freya shrugged and looked at Helga and said, “Yeah, sure.”
Helga frowned but thankfully didn’t say anything, which probably would’ve put Freya on the edge. Julian tapped Freya on the shoulder and pointed towards the bounty collection office. Julian smiled at Helga and then they were headed for the bounty collection office. Once Julian and Freya were successfully in the waiting line for bounty collection and Helga was no longer behind them, Julian let out a deep sigh.
“Good god, you don’t know how hard it was to have socialized with her for two days.”
Freya put her hand on his shoulder and said, “Yeah, I can imagine how that would be hard. I’ve never been alone with her for more than a day, and even that was a disaster.”
Julian nodded and pointed towards the collection desk. “You think this money will cover food for the week?”
Freya nodded and patted Julian’s shoulder again. “Yeah, I made sure it will.”
Freya and Julian lived together in one small house on the outskirts of the Official Guild area. It was easier to cover expenses that way. Freya was mostly in charge of making the money, and Julian always managed it. They collected her bounty and went to their house. Freya gave Julian the money he needed to go shopping for food and set him on his way. She unpacked her stuff and wandered through the house for a while until someone knocked on her door. She looked through the tiny peephole on the door to see who was there.
The person standing there was Reimund, Head of Managing Hunters in the Official Guild.
His white button-up shirt and gray cardigan matched perfectly. The blue and red pins on his cardigan reflected the bright sunlight that morning. His shiny black dress shoes seemed like they had just been polished recently. His dress pants looked newly ironed. His full moon glasses hung off his nose, just barely holding on.
He knocked on the door again and Freya opened the door this time. When he saw Freya, he politely smiled and bowed. “Freya. It’s a pleasure to see you again. May I come in?”
Freya smiled and said, “Sure, I’ll get you a drink.”
She opened the door further and let Reimund sit at her main table and went to go get him a glass of fresh water from her kitchen. Reimund was pretty nice to Freya most of the time, though he was a bit rigid and wanted everyone to respect the rules.
Anyone was better than Helga at this point.
When she put a glass of water with ice in front of him, he politely smiled again and adjusted his collar slightly. He always did that if he was nervous, and Freya knew immediately that nothing good was going to come out of this.
“So, Freya, normally I would start with small talk, like how the weather is today. However, I believe that this subject is quite, um, urgent.”
Freya nodded with a curious look and said, “Well, what is it?”
Reimund stared at her with a serious expression and said, “We need you to take Julian’s place as Vice President of Training.”
This was the worst subject Reimund could have brought up, and some days, Freya would wonder if she had been too harsh with him that day. Julian was the vice president of training new bounty hunters, a job he did quite well. He was always very interested in why someone wanted to become a bounty hunter. The thing was, Julian was two years younger than Freya, and because he was only twenty-five years old, most people in The Official Guild who were higher and older than him didn’t believe he could manage the job.
Freya thought that was ridiculous, mainly because he was still running the job and doing well. She had told the Official Guild about this before, but they had just suggested she take his place. Even though she wasn’t much older than him, she had begun accepting missions much earlier than Julian did, so she did have more experience than him. From then on, they kept suggesting she take his place.
Reimund seemed to notice she was getting mad, even though she hadn’t spoken yet. “You see, it’s not because the board believes he is inexperienced. There’s another reason.”
Freya’s anger was suddenly replaced with curiosity. Another reason? The board, which consisted of all the important leaders of the Official Guild, including Helga and Reimund,didn’t act like they would have a different reason other than Julian’s age to want to get rid of him.
Freya tilted her head and asked, “And what other reason do you have?”
Reimund adjusted his collar again and sighed. He looked fatigued, probably because Reimund was quite overworked on a regular day, but also what he was about to say had stressed him out all day. “Well, I know you won’t believe me, but, the board believes that Julian has stolen some official documents.”
Freya frowned and got a little closer to Reimund, her face fuming. She tried to calm herself down, but anger steeped in her voice. “What documents? Huh?” she asked.
Reimund frowned and looked down at his glass of water. “The documents that he says connect us to a terrorist organization, The Time Society.”


Thanks! (please tell me if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes)
Thanks to RythmOvPain for tons of edits for 1.1!

Comments

The sun shone through the forest right between all the trees.
Freya walked through the forest as her blond hair flowed in wind and her jacket hung loosely off her shoulders. Her sword, which she had placed in its scathe, swayed on her left leg.

Combine these paragraphs. I feel like the second paragraph could be written a little better.

Her jacket was adorned with an official bounty hunter pin. Her boots had bright red laces, which was a direct contrast to the rest of her black boots. Her hair was done in a ponytail, and her blue eyes shone a little brighter today. They always did if Freya had completed a mission that day, which she just had.

The last sentence seems weird to me; I'd suggest editing it down into the previous sentence.

You see, Freya Morrison was a bounty hunter. She took on jobs that usually involved hunting down criminals or finding objects of certain importance. She had just completed a mission involving an extremely dangerous tax evader, a was coming back home to collect the full bounty.

"You see" is unnecessary here. Also, it would be better served to elaborate on the tax collector than cutting away to a totally different subject. The continuity of the story is crucial when you're setting the... setting.


She picked up her pace until she came to a small clearing in the forest. It lead out into a large field, filled with grass and flowers. It was like a door out of the dark forest and into this wonderful field. She went into the field and ran through it.

This paragraph needs considerable reworking. It kind of seems like it belongs conjoined to the paragraph below.

Eventually, she came to a small path with a sign that read, Official Bounty Hunters Guild, This way right on the side. She walked past the sign and continued down the path. Eventually, she reached The Official Guild.

Repeating eventually like that is awkward.

The area looked a lot like an old town with all the buildings dropped everywhere. The main building looked like a large mansion with Mansardic architecture. All the buildings in the Official Guild were scattered around this one main building. Knowing her destination, she set off to go towards that main building.

Massive overuse of the word "building" here.

The Official Guild was the place for anyone who wanted to become a bounty hunter to go. Any bounty hunter could easily accept missions issued out by the Official Guild. As she got closer to the main building, she saw a figure run towards her.

Your exposition seems clunky and forced thus far... kind of like your narrator is wandering between thought processes.

It was Julian, her best friend. Julian was usually her partner on missions, but this time he had to stay behind to finish paperwork. When he hugged her, she nearly fell over. His short blue hair flew in her face when he reached her. “How was the mission?” he asked. His gray eyes were filled with curiosity, and his long-sleeved shirt looked a little too big on him. “Um, good. I guess,” she replied. He smiled and turned behind him and waved someone over.
Freya almost immediately saw that person. It was Helga, the representative of the Official Guild. Helga’s brown hair rolled down her back almost to her waistline and her sweater dress reached down to her knees, and her boots went just up to under her knees. Her eyes looked like a predator who was about to pounce, hungry and alert. Her glasses were perfectly positioned on her nose, and her perfect face didn’t look any different than the last time Freya saw her.

There's way too much going on in these paragraphs. It needs to be edited into no less than three paragraphs.

Freya turned away from looking at Helga and rolled her eyes. Freya found Helga extremely annoying, because she always acted like she was above everyone else. As Helga got closer, Freya saw her wrinkle her nose, and signature move of hers, and then returned to her extremely bland face.

Please edit the last sentence for spag and continuity.

“Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise, Freya Morrison?” she said. Freya gave Helga her an annoyed look and replied with, “Yes, I’m back. Thank you for acknowledging that.” Helga wrinkled her nose again, this time with a more noticeable sense of disgust. “Well, I hope you made sure to be professional about doing your job.”

Dialogue like this needs to be separated. This should be three separate paragraphs.

That was another about Helga that annoyed Freya. Helga was obsessed with the reputation of the Official Guild, always trying to make sure that we always looked good in the public’s eyes. Being the official representative, Helga was supposed to be watching over stuff like that, but she took it to an extreme that wasn’t necessary.

This paragraph has a small spag issue, but a huge continuity error; "we" does not belong here.

Freya shrugged and looked at Helga and said, “Yeah, sure.” Helga frowned but thankfully didn’t say anything, which probably would’ve put Freya on the edge. Julian tapped Freya on the shoulder and pointed towards the bounty collection office. Julian smiled at Helga and then they were headed for the bounty collection office.

After "yeah sure," you should begin a new paragraph. This issue has thus far been prevalent above all else. Dialogue needs to be separated.

Once Julian and Freya were successfully in the waiting line for bounty collection, and Helga was no longer behind them, Julian let out a deep sigh. “Good god, you don’t know how hard it was to have socialized with her for 2 days.” Freya put her hand on his shoulder and said, “Yeah, I can imagine how that would be hard. I’ve never been alone with her for more than a day, and even that was a disaster.”
Julian nodded and pointed towards the collection desk. “You think this money will cover food for the week?” Freya nodded and patted Julian’s shoulder again. “Yeah, I made sure it will.”

First sentence, there shouldn't be a comma after "and." Again, dialogue formatting is wrong. "2" should be "two."

Freya and Julian lived together in one small house on the outskirts of the Official Guild area. It was easier to cover expenses that way. Freya was mostly in charge of making the money, and Julian always managed it. They collected her bounty and head off home. Freya gave Julian half the money he needed to go shopping for food and set him on his way. He complained, but eventually, she got him out the door. She unpacked her stuff and wandered around the house for a while until someone knocked on her door.
She looked through the tiny peephole on the door. The person standing there was Reimund, Head of Managing Hunters in the Official Guild. His white button-up shirt and his gray cardigan matched perfectly. The blue and red pins on his cardigan reflected the bright sunlight that morning. His shiny black dress shoes seemed like they had just been polished recently, and his dress pants looked newly ironed. His full moon glasses hung off his nose and barely hung on.

There's a couple things about these paragraphs that aren't correct. It has spag issues (one thing that made me lol: Freya gave Julian half the money he needed to go shopping for food and set him on his way). I would suggest to you that you inspect your default sentence structure, which in turn will allow you to include more information into your paragraphs more succinctly.

He knocked on the door again and Freya opened the door this time. When he saw Freya, he politely smiled and bowed. “Freya. It’s a pleasure to see you again. May I come in?” Freya smiled and said, “Sure, I’ll get you a drink.” She opened the door further and let Reimund sit at her main table and went to go get him a glass of fresh water from her kitchen.

Your formatting for dialogue seems to be the weakest point of your writing, which is something I'm sure you can easily address. As previously stated, you're jamming dialogue all into one paragraph and it's all bleeding over.

Reimund was nice to Freya, a little rigid, but really nice when you get to know him. Anyone was better than Helga at this point. When she put a glass of water with ice in front of him, he politely smiled again and adjusted his collar slightly. He always did that if he was nervous, and Freya knew immediately that nothing good was going to come out of this.

First sentence should be rewritten or reworded.

“So, Freya, normally I would start with small talk, like how the weather is today. However, I believe that this subject is quite, um, urgent.” Freya nodded with a curious look and said, “Well, what is it?” Reimund stared at her with a serious expression and said, “We need you to take Julian’s place as Vice President of Training.”

Dialogue formatting again.

This was the worst subject Reimund could have brought up, and some days, Freya would wonder if she had been too harsh with him that day. Julian was the vice president of training new bounty hunters, a job he did quite well. He was always very interested in why someone wanted to become a bounty hunter. The thing was, Julian was 2 years younger than Freya, and because he was only 25 years old, most people in The Official Guild who were higher and older than him didn’t believe he could manage the job.
Freya thought that was ridiculous, mainly because he was still running the job and doing well. She had told the Official Guild about this before, but they had just suggested she take his place. Even though she wasn’t much older than him, she had begun accepting missions much earlier than Julian did, so she did have more experience than him. From then on, they kept suggesting she take his place.

Numbers 2 and 25 should be written out.

Reimund seemed to notice she was getting mad, even though she hadn’t spoken yet. “You see, it’s not because the board believes he is inexperienced. There’s another reason.” Freya’s anger was suddenly replaced with curiosity. Another reason? The board, which consisted of all the important leaders of the Official Guild, including Helga and Reimund. They made all the important decisions, but Freya never thought they would have a different reason other than Julian’s age to want to get rid of him.

When you switch to Freya's perspective, make s new paragraph.

Freya tilted her head and asked, “And what other reason do you have?” Reimund adjusted his collar again and sighed. He looked fatigued, probably because Reimund was quite overworked on a regular day, but also what he was about to say had stressed him out all day. “Well, I know you won’t believe me, but, the board believes that Julian has stolen some official documents.”

Dialouge bleedover.

Freya frowned and got a little closer to Reimund, her face fuming. She tried to calm herself down, but anger steeped in her voice. “What documents? Huh?” she asked. Reimund frowned and looked down at his glass of water. “The documents that he says connect us to a terrorist organization, The Time Society.”



...

One thing I must say is that your ability to write is not in question; you know what it is that you're writing, and it's mostly well written. You have thus far told the story adequately enough to consider this a first draft. It's time to edit.
 
Thanks! 1.1 is done now. I'm still working on changing around some sentences to make them work better.
 

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