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Catharsis


DISCLAIMER:
This post is a little long and somewhat scattered(maybe even a little confusing, so apologies for that part. also apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors, etc.). I figure if there's a safe place for this to be read where I know no one has to respond and completely ignore this (or read and just empathize), this is the place for it. This is just my mind. It's when my writing becomes my catharsis. It feels like a physical draining of everything that gets bottled up inside of me. This is the first time I'm showing this kind of stuff to anyone. I am in no way trying to gain sympathy or to have someone pat me on the back and tell me I'm amazing and that these things I see about myself simply aren't true. While I'd like to say deep down I know none of this is true (in regards to how I view myself), it still resonates within me. I struggle with that and I'm trying my best to believe in my self-worth. These are some things that I've wanted to just get out in the open, because I want to move forward. This is one of the best ways I can face these demons I have. I need to not be afraid to just be me, and share myself, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Another small step for me... So for any of you that read this: Thank you.

________________


I think in one way or another that I've always struggled with anxiety every since I was a child. I've never been diagnosed, never taken medication, or gone to a therapist. And although I should probably seek some sort of help out, I hesitate. I hesitate because I don't want to rely on medication to level me out. I don't want to have to go to someone to pour out my emotions when the idea terrifies me to be vulnerable.

On the other hand, what if there's nothing wrong with me in that respect? What if I actually don't have anxiety? What if it's something worse? What if it's just me subconsciously crying for attention?

I really don't know. I'm always thinking of the worst possible thing. A million different things. I'm never satisfied with just one answer.


I'm not even sure if this is related to the anxiety or if it is depression, but I have had these moments lately (more than I can ever really recall) that just completely wipe me out.

Its moments like this where I feel achingly, overwhelmingly, and utterly worthless and alone. I feel lonely. I know I have people around me. I do have my friends, my family that supports me but I just can't even begin to explain how my heart and my mind squeezes. I feel like I'm falling into a black hole. I want to talk to people. I want to reach out to them, but I feel like I'm just trying to throw a pity party. I battle with this. I battle with sharing anything about myself. I'm scared of the judgment, the lack of acceptance. There are so many things I fear. It’s in moments like this where I feel like that the one thing I truly want to do for the rest of my life, regardless of whatever jobs or opportunities cross my path, is to write. Even if it ends up being that I make no money and it touches just one person, that's what I want. I touched on this briefly in my previous entry. I am afraid I will not be able to write because my mind won't let me. I legitimately feel like I'm not good enough for it. Good enough for anything or anyone.

I get so sick and tired of people telling me to "calm down” or "It's not a big deal" or "you're crazy, stop being ridiculous"
OR even worse, when you have an anxiety attack in public with your college friend at another college friend's wedding, you try to apologize by saying "Sorry, I'm not much fun right now" and they respond with "Let me know when you want to be"

The amount of swearing I want to do right now is obscene.

Everyone thinks I'm too angry, too emotional, too blunt, and too harsh. I have to cater everyone else's personality and needs because they are the softer individuals.

I can be soft. I can be affectionate. But no one gives me any chance to just let me have my emotions. I am an incredibly overwhelming person when it comes down to it. I overwhelm myself on a regular basis, so I can only imagine how intense I can come across to other people.

I just wish I didn't have to deal with this kind of crap. It would be easier if I knew when these crippling moments would occur. I could better prepare myself. They knock me down and pummel me into the floor. Sometimes they crush me. Other times it just fades away to a gentle jab in my mind. There are moments where I'm more reflective on why I feel the way I do and I can process it in a more logical fashion, but other times, man it just slays me.

Now I'm just exhausted from the entire ordeal.

I think as far as this whole "taking steps towards my ultimate healing" goes, this was a definitely a step.

For now I will stop. Otherwise I will just overwhelm myself more than anything.

For anyone who has read until the end, thank you. Even if I won't know it, it means more to me than I think I could express.

Comments

hammy

We are what we are.. My wife has suffered with anxiety and depression for over thirty years. It was in her mid twenties when she first started to have major panic attacks. She has endured and thrived over the years because she has refused to let her anxiety's and depression rule her life. She's had help of course, by seeking therapy, medications and the support of her family and friends. But mostly the strength to continue on and live life to its fullest no matter the obstacles comes from within herself.

She's funny and an extremely extroverted person despite her battle with panic disorder and depression. It's a battle she fights every day -some days are bad but more are good . No man or women is an island alone we all need to reach out to someone or something in order to keep our sanity intact.

You seem much like my wife, warm, outspoken, emotional, caring, talented , kind and sweet. You're not alone or crazy or an emotional fire cracker but you are a slightly wounded human being who seeks to be healed from the demons that haunt our souls. You've already started the process of healing by writing about it- reaching out to kindred souls who fight demons of our own.

You are an interesting and interested women - I'm delighted to know you...


my warmest
bob
 
You are not alone, battling your own mind and pushing uphill every inch in that battle. The lousy part: There are no major solutions I have to offer beyond cliche. "Stay Strong", "Keep fighting", "mighty trees grow tall by bending with the breeze", that BS. I've been told every one of them, and it's still impotent advice.
 
Pity parties happen to be my favorite social event. Kidding of course.


But honestly, I don't comment because I feel pressured, nor for pity or empathy. I also don't share because I want your pity. I don't want you to feel bad for me. Neither am I inviting you to my pity party.

I'll only ask of you to keep reading.

I would consider myself a generally calm person. In other threads I've posted quite a lot about myself. I enjoy learning and sharing experiences with others. I've had several life threatening situations. Dangerous accidents. I've never had any kind of post traumatic stress nor do I understand it.

But your problem here is something I do share. Even from little things that shouldn't matter. On either end of the spectrum, right?
Anger. Bitter, sarcastic, crushing feelings, from pure, blind rage, to emptiness, loneliness, worthlessness, and that glorious feeling of being generally unlovable. They leave me both physically and mentally exhausted for no reason, and come in episodes, after which there's nothing but lethargy. Like you, I have no idea when it will come, or why. Hormones? Brain chemical inbalance? Stress, depression? Do I need a therapist? Should I take drugs? The questions are as troublesome as the problem, aren't they.

And, like you, I'm afraid. Rejection, judgement, disappointment. I don't want to let anyone down. So I'm afraid to try, or share my problems. I already daydream and playfight and act out things in the yard. What if they think I'm just crazy now?

And, yes. I can't go anywhere or do anything when it happens. I've been to weddings. Graduation parties. Funerals. Cook outs, sleep overs. People tell me I can be so happy and encouraging at times.

I see that in you. I see that in myself. But I can tell you're not that kind of person. Neither am I.

It does become a part of you. I have to admit that as well. A good third to half of my life is dominated by that mental attitude. Others may not understand what you're going through. Or recognize that it's really an issue at all.

That you actually bothered to share shows a certain strength on your part. You're willing to admit it rather than blame an attitude or feeling on others, which is more than I can say.

I can't provide the solutions, nor emotional support, nor pity nor empathy. But I read all of this and only saw myself. You're not the only one.
 
You don't have to be professionally treated for anxiety if you don't want to, or if there are legitimate reasons to be anxious that can be worked out naturally. You've poured your heart out here, and what's coming out is that you feel alone in the world. That people don't understand you, or seem to accept you for who you are; as you're growing, these thoughts are becoming more intense, because they're not subsiding, and you're wondering if they'll ever go away. It's okay, and even healthy to think these things -- you should never downplay your true feelings. They hold power over us when unspoken, especially when you're still in the earlier stages of life.

That's not being overly emotional, or highly strung, or crazy. I can't tell you if they will go, because mine haven't, but the fact you know what makes you feel best -- writing -- is a huge thing. Do it more, if you can. Write more about how you're feeling. Create a character that represents you, and a story that represents all that weight you feel pressing on you. That black hole. At some point, you need to get it all out.

This isn't advice. I have severe anxiety issues myself. I regularly have panic attacks, to the point I haven't left my own home in over three years. The arts are the only things that keep me sane. Real life was too much for me, and I gave up. Try not to do the same thing I've done, at least. You're young, full of life, and honest. You'll find people who get you, and want to be around you because of the way you are, not in spite of it.

I won't tell you to hang in there, because that's a useless sentence. Deal with it in the way you feel best, and whenever you feel like bottling up your feelings, write them down instead, whether through blog, writing 'fuck' a thousand times, or some flash-fiction.

I read every word, by the way, just so you know. I hope my comment brings some warmth.

Bruno.
 
hammy, wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom, but I am ashamed to say that I just don't...All these tumultuous feeling are overwhelming, isolating--debilitating...This world sometimes is not kind or sympathetic -and especially if you are different. And you are different--you are a writer and writers are a breed apart, we live in our head---a lot. I believe that writers process info and emotions differently than , say --well Doctors or CEO's ..Most people deal in facts, that is their reality, We as writers create our own reality ... I hope one day, you will read your blog, and have gained [ by then] an appreciation for the wonderful , unique person you really are..
 
Like Fire, I don't have any great words of wisdom either. I do know you and I relate in the way that we express ourselves through humor. I've felt that has helped an awful lot with my own bouts of depression. Anyway, I think you'll find a significant group who has gone through some feelings similar to yours. :)
 
If there's one thing that has helped me, it would be writing.

Not only do I enjoy it, and like to think I'm good at it (through the constant self-doubt, of course) but it's also a good outlet, as you've discovered here. A good, therapeutic way to explore and understand yourself. That, and I also have found it helps others to understand me. I'm a lot better at conveying things with writing than talking.

I know what it feels like to be your own worst enemy. Often it keeps me from writing. Fight through it though, and do what you seem to love. If you need somebody to talk to, let me know.
 
I have read every single one of your comments and I have been struggling what to say in return and the only thing I feel or can express right now is gratitude. Truly. It makes me feel a little less alone. I take all your words and store them in my mind for when I need them most. Thank you.
 

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