DISCLAIMER: This post is a little long and somewhat scattered(maybe even a little confusing, so apologies for that part. also apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors, etc.). I figure if there's a safe place for this to be read where I know no one has to respond and completely ignore this (or read and just empathize), this is the place for it. This is just my mind. It's when my writing becomes my catharsis. It feels like a physical draining of everything that gets bottled up inside of me. This is the first time I'm showing this kind of stuff to anyone. I am in no way trying to gain sympathy or to have someone pat me on the back and tell me I'm amazing and that these things I see about myself simply aren't true. While I'd like to say deep down I know none of this is true (in regards to how I view myself), it still resonates within me. I struggle with that and I'm trying my best to believe in my self-worth. These are some things that I've wanted to just get out in the open, because I want to move forward. This is one of the best ways I can face these demons I have. I need to not be afraid to just be me, and share myself, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Another small step for me... So for any of you that read this: Thank you.
I think in one way or another that I've always struggled with anxiety every since I was a child. I've never been diagnosed, never taken medication, or gone to a therapist. And although I should probably seek some sort of help out, I hesitate. I hesitate because I don't want to rely on medication to level me out. I don't want to have to go to someone to pour out my emotions when the idea terrifies me to be vulnerable.
On the other hand, what if there's nothing wrong with me in that respect? What if I actually don't have anxiety? What if it's something worse? What if it's just me subconsciously crying for attention?
I really don't know. I'm always thinking of the worst possible thing. A million different things. I'm never satisfied with just one answer.
I'm not even sure if this is related to the anxiety or if it is depression, but I have had these moments lately (more than I can ever really recall) that just completely wipe me out.
Its moments like this where I feel achingly, overwhelmingly, and utterly worthless and alone. I feel lonely. I know I have people around me. I do have my friends, my family that supports me but I just can't even begin to explain how my heart and my mind squeezes. I feel like I'm falling into a black hole. I want to talk to people. I want to reach out to them, but I feel like I'm just trying to throw a pity party. I battle with this. I battle with sharing anything about myself. I'm scared of the judgment, the lack of acceptance. There are so many things I fear. It’s in moments like this where I feel like that the one thing I truly want to do for the rest of my life, regardless of whatever jobs or opportunities cross my path, is to write. Even if it ends up being that I make no money and it touches just one person, that's what I want. I touched on this briefly in my previous entry. I am afraid I will not be able to write because my mind won't let me. I legitimately feel like I'm not good enough for it. Good enough for anything or anyone.
I get so sick and tired of people telling me to "calm down” or "It's not a big deal" or "you're crazy, stop being ridiculous"
OR even worse, when you have an anxiety attack in public with your college friend at another college friend's wedding, you try to apologize by saying "Sorry, I'm not much fun right now" and they respond with "Let me know when you want to be"
The amount of swearing I want to do right now is obscene.
Everyone thinks I'm too angry, too emotional, too blunt, and too harsh. I have to cater everyone else's personality and needs because they are the softer individuals.
I can be soft. I can be affectionate. But no one gives me any chance to just let me have my emotions. I am an incredibly overwhelming person when it comes down to it. I overwhelm myself on a regular basis, so I can only imagine how intense I can come across to other people.
I just wish I didn't have to deal with this kind of crap. It would be easier if I knew when these crippling moments would occur. I could better prepare myself. They knock me down and pummel me into the floor. Sometimes they crush me. Other times it just fades away to a gentle jab in my mind. There are moments where I'm more reflective on why I feel the way I do and I can process it in a more logical fashion, but other times, man it just slays me.
Now I'm just exhausted from the entire ordeal.
I think as far as this whole "taking steps towards my ultimate healing" goes, this was a definitely a step.
For now I will stop. Otherwise I will just overwhelm myself more than anything.
For anyone who has read until the end, thank you. Even if I won't know it, it means more to me than I think I could express.