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Biotics: pro or anti?

If you do a search for Clostridium difficile, you’ll find illustrations of miserable looking people sitting on toilets. One shows a guy with steam coming out of his head, which may be to indicate a fever. Or maybe he banged his head while running to the bathroom.

That’s what I was diagnosed with. For those in a hurry, it’s called C Diff. Like for if you have to go and somebody asks you what the hell is wrong with you, instead of telling him Clostridium difficile (which is actually fun to say), you can just tell him C. Diff.!!! I need to go!!! Get the hell out of my way!!!

So how did I get C. Diff? I was being treated with antibiotics for facial cellulitus and one of the side effects of those antibiotics is a susceptibility to C. Diff. The doctor prescribed other antibiotics to treat the infection caused by the first antibiotics. Along with antibiotics, I’m also taking probiotics. The antibiotics are fighting it out with probiotics in my system like neo-nazis fighting antifa at an alt-right rally.

Personally, I’ve always been ambivalent about biotics. As long as they don’t give me a bad case of diarrhea, I don’t have a problem with them. A few times in my life when my system needed a little help, I’ve taken antibiotics. And before this situation, I’ve never taken probiotics. So I guess I’m more anti than pro when it comes to biotics.

When I went to get my probiotics, I needed to talk to the pharacist because I had no idea what to get. The doctor told me to get some that had the most probiotics in each dosage, but she couldn’t recommend a brand.

And I did say “she” when I mentioned my doctor. I have a female doctor, which is a little different for certain examinations. Every time a male doctor gave me a prostrate exam, he would kind of reach behind my package and just use his finger to feel around. But when she did it, she cupped my package with her hand and whoo-hoo!!! It became more than just an exam. She quickly exited the examination room. I thought about sending her flowers but decided not to. But back to the probiotics.

So I was in the grocery store pharmacy section, and there was a bit of a line and I didn’t want to wait in line for fear of having an accident. I spotted a little window off to the side with no line so I went to that window. A woman counting pills just glared at me. I greeted her with a cheerful Hi! and she kept glaring at me. I wanted to say Hey you fuckin’ cunt. I need some help here, but instead I told her that I needed to speak to a pharmacist about probiotics. Without saying anything, she retrieved a pharmacist who approached me just glaring at me. Hmmm. Strange. But he did help me. Maybe that’s the window designated for people with low self-esteem who want to be treated with contempt.

Since I’d never taken probiotics before and had no idea what they were, I checked with my regular doctor: Dr. Wikipedia. It turns out that probiotics are live microorganisms. Yikes! I thought about opening one of the capsules to see what they looked like. My guess is they’d look like centipedes, crabs, slugs, and other creatures that live under rocks, so I decided not to open a capsule. Some things are better left unknown.

Besides taking antibiotics and probiotics, I can’t drink milk or eat cheese, nor can I drink alcohol. But I am starting to feel better.

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Irwin
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