This line of thought of course doesn’t lend itself to a great mindset. Anytime i put myself in the cross-hairs, I tend to feel frustrated and confused. Often it culminates in a sense of overwhelming anxiety, anger, or sadness. The way forward isn’t clear, and despite all the good I can do for myself on other days, when I sit in an office writing about engineering services, writing that will later be optimized by an AI, I feel stranded. I’m offered free drinks, a seat, a warm place, and relative freedom – but none of these feels satisfying.
I would like to see this as a struggle forward toward where I want to go, but as I’ve said before, I don’t know where I want to go. This then becomes an inexhaustible exercise in spinning my wheels, and excuse to stop thinking and just putter along mindlessly.
Of course, it’s only been just over two months here. Perhaps that’s long enough, though. If I were to outline what I miss/dislike of this job, it would look like this:
-being cooped up inside all day is frustrating. I want to walk and be outside, not in an office
-my writing feels pointless and rushed. I write for word count and optimization and am measured in my worth by how well I fulfill those.
-the environment feels hostile. Or maybe not specifically hostile, but there is little communication within the department, and virtually none from superiors. The ‘boss’ walks around and is jovial with others but avoids us in content. Perhaps it’s because, again, we’re all so quiet. Getting a room of introverts to be gregarious is no doubt hard, but it leaves me feeling like an outcast.
-the pay is not consistent but is consistently not good.
-I feel rushed in every way in my life. And this comes even with me trying to mindfully slow down. Every day feels like a push to the end of the day. Every weekend feels like I’m trying to apply the breaks and they only fully engage once Sunday is wrapping up.
Again, I realize these things might just be considered ‘normal’. Welcome to the work force and all that. My privilege provided me with another mode of living and now when I must be normal, it feels like an affront. That’s a real possibility, I’ll admit. But if that’s all this is, if truly I must just ‘suck it up’, how can we all sit here and think this is okay?
I don’t know. I’m feeling a bit better, so maybe I just needed to complain. I think much of these complaints are accurate, that I am not just making these up on a bad day. They’ve been clouds that shadowed me even on good days. I trust my intuition, it’s pointed out many situations I was best leaving, and I’m thankful for its development. I just worry that it will never be satisfied. That I’m going to bounce around indefinitely, chasing some specter of an idea that doesn’t truly exist. No matter where I end up, I’ll just feel unsatisfied.
This is catastrophizing, I’m aware. It’s egged on by my anxiety and its conclusions are no more grounded in reality than the existence of elves or magic. But in the moment, I can lose sight of that and be engulfed, overwhelmed, in the despair it can bring.
And that’s the final thing – I don’t feel as though I can communicate those feelings here. It’s as if I am not a person, not someone with diagnosable issues who struggles some days. I’m a cog, one step above AI because I can string together colorful and coherent sentences. I am, ultimately, replaceable. And that is not a good feeling, no matter how much you may love your job.
Thanks for reading my anxiety rant. I feel better for having written it, and I hope you didn’t find me to be too distraught or apocalyptic. And, as usual, a poem for your efforts.
The cloudfilled sky
Feels reflected in my heart –
A blizzard is brewing.