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a mother sized hole

i don’t have much to say today. mother’s day is a hard day for me to be okay with. my mother has borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. the former causes her moods to be unstable, as well as her relationships. the latter results in emotional abuse of her family.

as such, it’s hard for me to be thankful today. rather than being a day dedicated to recognizing the past and what she’s taught me, it quickly becomes a day of rumination and sadness.
my mother refused to eat today until i called. she was angry i took so long, despite the fact that i’m two hours behind and called 30 minutes after i woke up. she chewed out my father and sibling for not buying her good enough presents. and when i did call, she hardly spoke and then complained i don’t care about her. the only reason i called, she said, was because my father had reminded me.

and as much as there is a kernel of truth to that, i still find myself incredulous and hurt. she takes a day meant to be about love, family, and recognition of growth and turns it into a guilt trip. she can’t accept that i’ve moved on with my life, that i am controlling my direction, and instead takes out her anger on me and my loved ones.

i know i shouldn’t be affected by this, nor should i be surprised. but it still hurts.

i hope all of you have a wonderful mother’s day and can share your love, light, and wisdom with those around you.

Comments

Just know you're not alone in how you feel. Your mom sounds very similar to mine. She just recently passed away and I still have some very conflicted emotions to deal with. I will tell you what I have realized. Some people teach you wonderful lessons in life by setting a good example of how to be and some show you how not to be. That is the lesson I have learned from my mom. I couldn't change how she acted, no matter what I ever did. But I can control how her actions have impacted my life and how I react going forward.
 
I cut people out of my life who bring nothing to it but unnecessary misery, and also their personal drama agents. There is really no good option but that's the best one for me. Good luck with it.
 
Ma'am;bt15396 said:
I cut people out of my life who bring nothing to it but unnecessary misery, and also their personal drama agents. There is really no good option but that's the best one for me. Good luck with it.

I did that, and now I have no-one.

Life eh?
 
dither;bt15397 said:
I did that, and now I have no-one.

Life eh?

I know a few people who seem to turn to their pets, rather than people, for companionship. (Dr. Phil, who apparently knows everything, calls it "relating down.") I used to think they were kind of strange but now I totally get it. People can be so disappointing but your cat or dog needs you and always thinks you're fabulous. Unless it's a cat but even then it still needs you. :)
 
I’m so sorry, dither. That’s not a normal mother and sadly, there are women who don’t have a naturally developed maternal instinct. You deserved better.


Oops, my apologies, greyson! I meant to type your name above, instead I wrote "dither". It was a total slip of my mental train, off the tracks, unfortunately. I only just realized what I had typed.
 
greyson, please see my apology note in my first comment - I am so sorry!
 
Neetu;bt15399 said:
I’m so sorry, dither. That’s not a normal mother and sadly, there are women who don’t have a naturally developed maternal instinct. You deserved better.


Oops, my apologies, greyson! I meant to type your name above, instead I wrote "dither". It was a total slip of my mental train, off the tracks, unfortunately. I only just realized what I had typed.

I totally agree w Neetu. It’s never the child’s fault. Not an adult child, not a small child. Some women are have been abused themselves or as Neetu stated just lack a mothers instinct. They become narcissistic and play the victim to their own children. I apologize for her behavior. All children no matter their age deserve better. Much better. Hugs you.
 
I suffer from a mood disorder (schizoaffective). I met one person with borderline personality disorder once. It seemed this person was a victim of abuse. I don't know much about it. They could use therapy as I saw one in nami which is a free organization for people with illnesses (located in the United States in every state with a free therapist). I suffer from a mood disorder that only becomes unstable after a lot of stress or depression. You will have better days I feel. Not everyone may be agreeable. But it's not her fault she is the way she is.
 
Neetu;bt15401 said:
greyson, please see my apology note in my first comment - I am so sorry!

No worries, please! a totally understandable mistake on your part :) thank you for the supportive words!
 
@theglasshouse, you're right about the last part for sure. i know she had a rather traumatic childhood, and a lot of her disorders arise from that. it's the getting there, the accepting of "i feel bad" but also not letting her get away with the abuse. I'm working on it though, along side a therapist. i appreciate all the kind words here. thank you all so much!
 
I've always been a strong believer in responsible parenthood. I know it is not always possible to be the perfect or even a good parent due to so many different circumstances in life. But if you cannot give the best of yourself to a child you give birth to, it would be better not to give birth at all. We have all the resources available to us to make informed choices, yet so many women and men don't. Mothers who are themselves traumatized, fathers who are reckless, etc, and the cycle continues from one generation to the next. No child should have to suffer because their parent suffered because it won't be surprising then if the child grows up passing on his/her suffering to the next offspring. I know it can't always be prevented, but if more people could stop and think what it means to raise a child and ask themselves if they're willing to take it on, it would reduce the pain to both the parent and the child.
Giving birth is easy. Giving someone a life is much harder. And it takes some sacrifice of our own selfish agenda.
 

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