It's not like a stone on the chest or back, but a stone within the very person, making every movement so much harder. It is a gravity that brings one low eventually and inevitably- no matter how high one is brought. Eventually, it becomes not only a force of nature...but a law of nature.
No matter how happy I am, time will rob me of this joy come tomorrow.
I get up with the sun and I wash. I eat. I clip and cut myself and put on my clothes. I pack my bags. I am rugged for a moment. I see the day as something to get through. See the people from A to B as a stranger would see stragglers in a post-apocalyptic future...with a small, shining light of hope, but general concern. Who are they? And what do they want of me?
I'm on the bus...
Then on the train...
Riding through a gray and raining landscape- the season not so accommodating with it's fiery autumn leaves, but drab and listless shades of orange and brown matted to the wet earth.
Another stop on the train. Another flood of people come in. Some pushing and jostling. The smell of wet cottons and the screeching slide of polyesters. The clop clop of high heels. A jostle from my right as a person drops between me and an old lady.
Blonde hair and blue eyes. She turned her winter-blues toward me. She smiled, and warm, beaming flame broke through. "I'm sorry" she says. For what, I think. You've given me a moment of summer.
I didn't even realize she had a child- a little blonde girl- until she bumped into my leg. Another bumper- just like her mother. She didn't look like her mother. Her blues were more deep and solid. She looked at me in the way children look at you- simply looking.
Her mother looked back and forth between us. She turned to me, offering that smile once again. "She likes you."
And then, completely unexpected, the little girl pipes up "I like you." breaking out into a giggling smile.
Couldn't tell you how red I was. I'm not sure how sudden the smile broke out of my soul and split my mouth wide. I couldn't say how, in an instant, a warm, brilliant, and fierce flow of heart and almost painful protectiveness swept out of me for the little demon, but it came nonetheless and I could only bob and blunder through it like a keg in the ocean.
A couple of hours passed that moment...heaving crates to and fro along the gray shoreline...I was still smiling. I still felt warm. I'd never meet her again. Why was I so sure I liked her. Maybe that's how children are designed to be.
It was only past lunch that I realized my dark-angel had disappeared. I only realized it when it came back. Slowly pushing out the warmth. Slowly filling me with the familiar weight...the apathy...the listless desire to slide through another empty day. Like a constrictor it wrapped itself around me once again and squeezed. And I let it. There was a comfort to it. A familiarity. A return to normalcy.
But for one moment, it jerked. For a moment I remembered that smile again. Those words. That feel. Fierce, intense, immediate, unyielding. It squeezes again- a slow...steady...crushing weight. But I knew it and it knew it... That single moment- that shard in time- would glow like a tiny ember in the hollow depths of my being.
For a moment, I found something to live for. And I think...I can find it again.