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A Moment in Time

Apathy is my dark-winged angel.

It's not like a stone on the chest or back, but a stone within the very person, making every movement so much harder. It is a gravity that brings one low eventually and inevitably- no matter how high one is brought. Eventually, it becomes not only a force of nature...but a law of nature.

No matter how happy I am, time will rob me of this joy come tomorrow.

I get up with the sun and I wash. I eat. I clip and cut myself and put on my clothes. I pack my bags. I am rugged for a moment. I see the day as something to get through. See the people from A to B as a stranger would see stragglers in a post-apocalyptic future...with a small, shining light of hope, but general concern. Who are they? And what do they want of me?

I'm on the bus...

Then on the train...

Riding through a gray and raining landscape- the season not so accommodating with it's fiery autumn leaves, but drab and listless shades of orange and brown matted to the wet earth.

Another stop on the train. Another flood of people come in. Some pushing and jostling. The smell of wet cottons and the screeching slide of polyesters. The clop clop of high heels. A jostle from my right as a person drops between me and an old lady.

Blonde hair and blue eyes. She turned her winter-blues toward me. She smiled, and warm, beaming flame broke through. "I'm sorry" she says. For what, I think. You've given me a moment of summer.

I didn't even realize she had a child- a little blonde girl- until she bumped into my leg. Another bumper- just like her mother. She didn't look like her mother. Her blues were more deep and solid. She looked at me in the way children look at you- simply looking.

Her mother looked back and forth between us. She turned to me, offering that smile once again. "She likes you."

And then, completely unexpected, the little girl pipes up "I like you." breaking out into a giggling smile.

Couldn't tell you how red I was. I'm not sure how sudden the smile broke out of my soul and split my mouth wide. I couldn't say how, in an instant, a warm, brilliant, and fierce flow of heart and almost painful protectiveness swept out of me for the little demon, but it came nonetheless and I could only bob and blunder through it like a keg in the ocean.

A couple of hours passed that moment...heaving crates to and fro along the gray shoreline...I was still smiling. I still felt warm. I'd never meet her again. Why was I so sure I liked her. Maybe that's how children are designed to be.

It was only past lunch that I realized my dark-angel had disappeared. I only realized it when it came back. Slowly pushing out the warmth. Slowly filling me with the familiar weight...the apathy...the listless desire to slide through another empty day. Like a constrictor it wrapped itself around me once again and squeezed. And I let it. There was a comfort to it. A familiarity. A return to normalcy.

But for one moment, it jerked. For a moment I remembered that smile again. Those words. That feel. Fierce, intense, immediate, unyielding. It squeezes again- a slow...steady...crushing weight. But I knew it and it knew it... That single moment- that shard in time- would glow like a tiny ember in the hollow depths of my being.

For a moment, I found something to live for. And I think...I can find it again.

Comments

The day that a little kid says "I like you" to me is the day that Hell has frozen over. And what you described as apathy, I call depression.

But yes. Whatever they might be, cherish the moments when the sun shines through on your soul, and keep the fire lit.
 
kaminoshiyo,
I think Smith maybe right about your darkness and for that I am both surprised and saddened.
I hope you work it out kaminoshiyo I really do.
Don't end up like me.
 
dither;bt13680 said:
kaminoshiyo,
I think Smith maybe right about your darkness and for that I am both surprised and saddened.
I hope you work it out kaminoshiyo I really do.
Don't end up like me.

I'm a bit of a dark child, but not this dark. This is completely fictional- even set in a different country (or what I interpreted as a different country) though I gave no sign as to what country.

The feeling of having a bad day suddenly broken by a sincere and unexpected act of kindness, though... That's real. It's the feeling I was trying to frame.
 
Smith;bt13674 said:
The day that a little kid says "I like you" to me is the day that Hell has frozen over. And what you described as apathy, I call depression.

But yes. Whatever they might be, cherish the moments when the sun shines through on your soul, and keep the fire lit.

You're right, though I considered apathy as a more extreme or at least more serious or heavy form of depression. A worse sort, if you would.

And you are right in your advice. I am one of those who looks up at a night sky and awes at the darkness rather than the stars, but I do appreciate the stars. Strangely, the black hole is technically the brightest of them all. It just eats its own light. Tragic.
 
Lol lol lol kaminoshiyo.

First Plasticweld then you.

That is good writing. It all seemed so real. TOO real.

Glad to know that's not the real you.

Write on kaminoshiyo. Write on.

Well done you.
 
dither;bt13687 said:
Lol lol lol kaminoshiyo.

First Plasticweld then you.

That is good writing. It all seemed so real. TOO real.

Glad to know that's not the real you.

Write on kaminoshiyo. Write on.

Well done you.

I sort of wish it were. I'd like to live in another country- though not one so gray and soggy. Preferably somewhere exotic and dense. Something that gives you the sense of being able to explore a wilderness of sorts...without freezing to death. Or snakes. And ticks. And those parasite things that swims up your holes and buries eggs inside you...

On second thought, I think I might just like New York City just fine, lol.
 
Exotic and dense I don't fancy.
Maybe it's my Britishness but however perfect your ideal situation might be there's a price to pay imo. There always is. Snakes, bugs, lol! parasites swimming up your holes [ speaking of which, I saw a tv programme once where these chaps were filming in some tropical location, a wildlife thing, and they were advised to wear condoms before crossing a river. Jeez! The very thought. UGH!]
Our climate might not be the most desirable in the world but we're as safe as one CAN be where wildlife is concerned.
 
I know from experience that you are right about apathy being a heavy form of depression, or rather apathy being a symptom of heavy depression. It isn't even a bad feeling, just the total absence of feeling, something that it is difficult to shake out of without that tiny ember to break the mood. That's why I always keep such embers glowing in my mind.
 
This makes me wish we still had the "post of the month". Some moments of real poetry here, for me.
 
No matter how happy I am, time will rob me of this joy come tomorrow.
That's why we take each "win" where we can, when we can. You are allowed to enjoy moments like a little girl's heartfelt smile. And thanks for sharing that.

Reminds me of a few days ago, dozens of us old, dirty, gruff shipyard workers scurrying to our ferry home. Up ahead, I saw a middle aged woman pushing an old lady up an incline. One of our workers stops, and offers to assist the woman pushing the chair. She politely declined, but from the distance I could clearly make out the smiles on all three of them.
I doesn't take a lot to make the world better. Often, inspiration comes from where you don't expect it.
 

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